Cup of Joe with Jo/Help, I need somebody

Help, not just anybody

Help, you know I need someone

Help!" -- The Beatles

Whats in your cup?
I HAD REDBULL AND THEN COFFEE. I CAN SMELL COLORS.

Whats going on flaveslice?
Its been almost a month since my last post. I've been mulling over what to post next, because my life has been running at warp speed lately. Its been great!

Well, it was. And then it wasn't. And then it was again! Its like the oreo cookie of life.

And this case I'm about to talk about that middle part where it wasn't. That center section that is meant to teach you why the good stuff is so good. THAT part.

Oh, well, I don't want to read a negative blog post, Flave.
Yeah no, me neither. And I don't want to write one. Stay tuned, cuz I promise you that this is not a woe is me situation. This is just the honest truth about someone who accidentally found herself starting a business, instead of just a hobby.

Okay, how does one not know they're starting a business? Now I'm intrigued.
Well, okay. Let me begin. No interruptions fake interviewer!

Okay?

OK. SHUT UP. MY TURN. ;)

So I bought a camera in 2012. Its a very basic Canon. I shouldn't really shy away from being honest about my equipment, so... its a Canon Rebel T3i. I bought it out of curiosity. I really didn't have a ton of money to spend at the time, but I wanted a new hobby, and I had a little background in the industry and the kids I nanny for are so damn cute, I thought "HEY. WHY NOT?"

But not long after, the "nay sayers", the "haters", the "they" (hat tip Dj Khaled) started weighing in on it. And it got to me. And I don't mean any one person, there were quite of few people who felt some kinda way about what I was doing. So other than a few pictures here and there of the kids and the Mahaney 4th of July shindigs, I really just shied away from it. Because, I mean, maybe "they" were right. Maybe "they" knew something I didn't about me. Maybe I should just stop. Because if "they" are right about me, then I just need to not even begin down this road because if "they" are right this is just a waste of time and I should just stick to what I know, which apparently, is nothing.

Your brain can be so incredibly cruel to you sometimes. Especially when you're trying something new. They negative voices creep into your mindset; Its so easy to let "they" effect your actions. And its so easy to let "they" stop you. And if we're be honest, you gave them the power (in your own head), to have that kind of control over you. Its because you're scared, and feeling unprotected, and green. So, maybe since you're so unsure about what you're doing, and since they seem so confident about their opinions... its so easy to listen. Its almost comforting to hear some agree with you, even if what they're saying is "You should stop doing what you're doing because its just not worth it. You're not worth it.  You're just going to fail anyway, so... why even start? Go find something else to do cuz, I mean really... obviously, this is a waste of time, because you are a waste of time."

Don't listen. Don't listen when that brain thing starts happening. I know its scary, but don't listen.

You are worth it. And, actually, you are worth MORE. You're worth more than you think possible in this moment. "They", the people who are discouraging you? They're the ones that you should be neglecting, because they're wrong. They always are. Stay the course, friend. Don't give power, over your heart, mind, body or soul to someone who isn't trying to give you high 5's and fist bumps while you're trying something new. Give the power back to yourself.

So thats what I did. It took a while, but its what I did.

I picked the camera back up pretty steadily this past summer. Got reacquainted with the camera machine, started switching lenses around, developed challenges with my friends, went on photo walks with like minded creatives, watched Creative Live like it was my job.

Then, you guys, I got ballsy. Super ballsy. I made an announcement. I made a facebook fanpage (Mflave Photography btw). I said it with conviction. I said it here, and on facebook and on twitter. I said it out loud: "HEY. YOU GUYS (well girls, mostly), I want to take you're picture because you are gorgeous and stunning and amazing, let me remind you of all the light you have to offer"!

And you know what happened after I said out loud that I wanted to be a photographer? Positivity. I'm not sure if its just that I was in a different place and didn't hear the nonsense, or if it wasn't happening at all but... what I do know, is that things started changing.

It was slow at first. I had some inquiries about prints and canvases, and about my pricing. Sold a few little things here and there. And then Jo came around and that session changed everything for me.

Okay, I have to interrupt, Jo? You mean Jo of Photography by Jo?Indeed. She was my first official session that included a boudoir experience. And it changed everything. I was a little nervous going in, because I knew there was a certain expectation there, and plus, I love her so I didn't want to disappoint. But the session turned out better than I could have imagined. And she LOVED her images. And so she ranted and raved about it to all of her friends and then a few weeks later she sent me Jamie P. And then the holidays happened, and once I started posting images from those sessions, my calendar filled up through February VERY quick. So I took the holidays and spent days on end looking at print labs and taking online courses trying to learn how to price myself accordingly so that the next time someone asked my prices I wasn't shaking... lol

I started marketing a bit, because, well, when you find something you like doing you want to do MORE of it. So thats what I did. And WHAM BAM HEY GUESS WHAT. All of the sudden I found myself with a new bank account, a paypal account, a solid price list, data base sheets, expense sheets, client work flow charts and a new email address...

I'm sorry. what the fuck just happened. Didn't I just start doing this like 4 months ago? Aren't I just supposed to be doing this as a hobby? What about taxes? How do I do that? do I charge sales and service tax? Whats that website that I can go and find that information...? So, do I add that to the package...? or...? Okay, how do I claim it as a business? And what should I claim? LLC? S-corp? Sole proprietor? what are the cost of goods and profit? How does that factor in? How many bank accounts do I need? Should I keep track of all this shit NOW as if I am official so that when I am, I am already ahead? And how do I do that? Should I file taxes quarterly? I haven't had a bank account in years, how do I do bank things?  Am I even on the grid anymore? I don't even know how to use my new phone entirely yet, how am I supposed to run a moderately complex business system?!?! WHAT IS INSURANCE EVEN FOR. I'm overwhelmed. Can I do this? What if I fuck this up? Oh god, what if I fuck this up... so much of my life has been me flying by the seat of my pants and that didn't go so well...! Why would this be any different? I have no idea what I am doing. Am I good enough to attempt this? What if I fail? What if I FAIL? WHAT IF I FAIL? How will I recover? Can I handle another devastating life changing goal? What if I can't handle this? OH MY GOD HOW DID I GET HERE. 

^^ me last week. Everyone I tried to talk to, sort of giggled at me. Not in a mean way, but in a "Oh, silly Martha. You're so endearing when you're panicked." kind of way. They meant well but it didn't help. And the lack of any real assurance from within myself sent me into a full blown sob fest. I came downstairs, turned on pandora, crawled under the covers and cried for like 90 minutes out of fear and panic.

Funny thing though, Jo had texted me about something totally brag worthy on her end, and since it was through text message it was real easy to be supportive while stealthily crying into my pillow between "sends". Then she said that things seemed to be moving well for me over here and then I just exploded into a big ball of "oh god help me I'm downing in insecurity please tell me that I am not alone in feeling this what am i doing help". We conversed about it a bit, and she said something that totally equalized me. "I know the fear is real. Don't let it stifle you."

Don't. Let it. Stifle you.

This wasn't other people ('they") coming in and trying to rain on my pretty parade. This was me raining on my pretty parade. This was ME doing this. This was me panicking about... things that don't necessarily even apply yet: Why are you trying to figure out things that aren't things to be freaking out about? Do the research. Embrace the fucking information, take time ti digest it, and breathe. Most of my fears are fears because I do not understand them. I really don't. Money is a nebulous monster in my eyes, and I just don't get it. I really need to find someone who knows what they're doing and team up with them... but in the mean time, I know a lot of people, self, that know stuff about this kind of thing. Just because I am afraid to ask, doesn't mean they're afraid to help me.

And, self,  you're a little ahead of the game because of how much information you've already gained. Which is why you're scared, Flave. But these are solvable problems. New problems? yes. But the truth is, you CAN do this, Flave. You can.

My biggest problem is that I am trying to plan ahead so that it makes my life easier in a few months when I'm making the decision between all my tax options, and claiming business status, essentially. And thats making my life infinitely hard than it needs to be now. But thats okay.

And by the time I had gotten to THAT point in my crazy rollercoaster of a brain... I realized:

I am scared because I AM starting a business. I am. I didn't know it. I didn't even realize thats what was happening. But I am.

I was ACTUALLY laying down serious groundwork to start. A business. Not just any business. MY business. And this has never ever ever been something I thought I'd want to do. Yet, here I am, freaking out because I AM doing it.

So, whats next?
Well statistically, February is a month of change for me. I've had my biggest heart breaks, my biggest leaps of faiths in love, in career, and path, in location, all in the month of February. So its no surprise that this month I have nearly every weekend booked with shoots (both days), that I had my first sale (and am expecting the order in tomorrow), my first real IPS session is set, and I'm booking well into March, now. So thats immediately next.

Its funny, when you start something you really have no idea how its going to turn out. I still don't really. I'm still not official official, but I'm about as official as it can get without it being official official. And I'm terrified. Fucking terrified.

But I had my moment last week. My moment of weakness (and it won't be the last), but I felt immediately better, and thats in part thanks to Jo.

"Don't let it stifle you."

And then I spent the rest of the evening outwardly processing and allowing some of my favorites to give me some assurance and comfort and I just... felt so much better. I needed to expel that energy so that I could refocus.

I guess my point is, is that I found myself accidentally running a business, and it snuck up on me much like a dense fog. But I turned on the headlights and I can see much better now. And I'm excited. In a very real and raw way. I think that is how its supposed to be.

Thanks for being a part of this adventure in some small way. Things are moving so quickly and thats largely because of you all. I'm sure things will start to slow down and I'll end up writing a post about that too.

But like Jo said... don't let it stifle you. Don't let "they", or fear, or anything dim your ideas. Because they are great. You are great. And its so hard to get the courage to put yourself out there and create. So believe in it, and yourself.

And I will do the same.

Community, you guys. Lets all get together and high five and fist bump each other. Soon. <3

For forth and be awesome,
~flave


*Martha is a photographer for Mflave Photography, which is primarily a boudoir photography studio based out of Maryland, dedicated to giving a luxurious and intimate boudoir experience*