Let the sunshine in, Let the sunshine in (hey, you got to feel it)
Let the sunshine in (when you open up your heart). -- The 5th Dimmension
This is a little different than what I usually post here, but bare with me. <3
I took this picture (below) in what I believe to be a haunted asylum. Its probably not haunted, but at the first hint of noise that didn't come from me or my creative partner I ran out of the house, through a half opened window for fear of my life. Homie don't play ;) There were a lot of buildings on this campus which allowed for some independent exploring. I must admit I was terrified. Not only was I afraid of the supernatural, I was also afraid of running into anyone who may have made this abandoned building their home. I was woefully unprepared for any such altercation so, I walked through these buildings as a guest, and announcing myself as I walked into different parts of the buildings. I am sure that I sounded crazy, but I honestly had no idea what I was walking into, and I wanted to be sure that whoever/whatever was living there knew I was not a threat, just someone who wanted to see the inside of a once magnificent building.
We went during the day, which was a good idea for many reasons, but mostly because the electricity in this building was non existent. But since it is an older building that is very much falling apart, there are a LOT of places that are dark... and wet too. When we went, the snow was melting through the roof and the stained glass ceiling onto the grand stair case.
There were many beautiful things within this place; huge 12 foot mirrors, an incredible layered staircase, intricate carvings on the fire places, a book written by Ben Carson... (lol)
But what I found the most striking was the dichotomy of it all. There would be this beautifully etched wooden french doors that led out to the wrap around covered porch, but the doors were warped and boarded up... which in turn made them ugly.
One of the buildings was completely deteriorated on the inside, the stair case had gaping holes in it, the windows were broken, there was a tree growing THROUGH the broken window, the paint was peeling off of everything, and the ceiling had fallen apart in places so badly that you could see into the floors above it.
Yet still, there was beauty in the magnificent decay. Frou Frou once said "There's beauty in the breakdown." and its always been something I've repeated to myself when cycling through my depression. It seems a little pretentious to say, and I realize that, but in walking through the decrepit halls and rooms of this once breathtaking building, there were numerous places where the sun had found its way INTO the building, from places it definitely should NOT be. From a contractor standpoint this is very unsafe and not at all ideal for a building that once housed very sick children, but as someone who got to walk around for a day... it was beautiful.
I didn't realize how many pictures I had taken of this phenomenon until I had gotten home and culled through the 500 images from the day. I would say about 20 percent of the pictures involved a sliver of light cutting through glass, or ceilings or second story floors to illuminate a small area.
It really truly was something I was not meaning capture, but there in my hands I realized I had found that curious light. Over and over again.
The thing that astounds me about it, is that it seemed so... pure. And I was clearly inadvertently captivated by it. And I know it sounds very... preachy to say, but I remember thinking to myself "wow, this is truly something beautiful. *click* There's a lesson here."
I was not going to post about it on facebook or any where but my private brain journal, because in essence. its just that the building is falling to pieces and therefore the sun is clearly going to shine through the cracks. Thats just physics, and science and obvious, martha. But I have been struggling very heavily with finding gratitude lately. And when I sat down to edit some images, i stumbled on this one posted below, and it kind of took my breath away and brought me back to that cold day in March.
As many of you know, I was diagnosed with bi polar type 2 when I was 18 years old, and over the past year my symptoms have really changed. While I have been very good at managing my mental health, a lot of my tips and tricks have been futile because it just isn't presenting the way it used to. This has caused me stress. So much to the point that I actually reached out to a few of my friends in the mental health field to try and see if maybe... I was misdiagnosed, or if maybe my bi polar somehow morphed into some super human brain thing that cannot be conquered. My mania is all but gone these days, and quite honestly the mania part of the bi polar is really what was sustaining me for a while, so not having it is a realllllllly strange feeling
Not to mention there have been a few things that haven't really swung my way lately, and I have been constantly making plans and having the immediately adjust them only to have them end up going back to original plan A, but with a few minor differences, and then go to plan Q. I have been getting whiplash, and I am tired. And then I got hurt. Bad. From a fall. And that put a serious damper on my summer, and my business. Its been hard to really be like "oh yeah I am so grateful for my life, things aren't perfect but gosh darn it people like me and lifes ok" when it feels like even your own body is trying to send you a message to "STOP DOING THINGS.". Which brings my back to gratitude.
I've always felt that the practice of gratitude is something that privileged people would say to someone to make them feel better "Just think of 5 things that you are grateful for before bed, it will change your life".
No, what will change my life is a million dollars, or health insurance, or the dishwasher being fixed (which it is now! yay). Sitting around being all hippie about my life sometimes seems... unauthentic, and quite honestly unhelpful. There's a sincerity in admitting sometimes things just suck. I mean, I'm not depressed, or cycling with the bi polar, but things in the universe haven't been so sweet to me lately. I can admit that. I am not a victim, but I'm tired of having to work so hard sometimes.
But at the same time, in my logical brain, I KNOW that there are a lo of things to be happy about. My friends are great, I have a place to live, hobbies I enjoy... but I can counter act that with "my friends live too far away or we are too busy to talk, my room is constantly leaking from either the stupid dryer or the rain, and I can't even take pictures right now because I can barely walk, etc...". See what happens when you're stuck in a cycle? You can literally talk yourself into a shitty mood, for no real reason other than thats just what you've been doing as self preservation for a year.
But today as I was going through the pictures from the asylum again, I ran into this one (below), and was like, welllll damn martha, if that isn't a really awesome slap in the face. Remember when you saw this and said "Light finds a way, even in the darkest places"? Yes... flave, I do. I guess I needed this reminder.
And so I am here to pass it on to you. As pretentious as it may sound, I think its important for you to know that even if you are in a really dark place... you aren't alone. I have been there. I have walked down what seems like endless abandoned hallways of the mind feeling worthless and alone, and have been unable to find the light that is coming through the cracks. But every once in a while, if you allow your brain to stop screaming and you can find a little peace and calm, you can find the light.
If I had been walking even just a LITTLE faster, I would have missed this entirely. I would never have seen this little sliver pushing through the wood ceiling. I wouldn't have allowed my self this opportunity for a moment of beauty and even a little grace... inside a damp, cold, likely asbestos filled, paint peeling, monument of abandoned architecture. In a room that looks like it hasn't ever felt an ounce of love or care in its lifetime... light cut through. And illuminated the flaws within it, in this dichotomy of chaos and peace. And it took my breath away.
What a nice reminder. Slow down, deep breaths, stop allowing your brain to constantly yell at you, and find a quiet moment... the light will find you. Even if its only a sliver, or a fleeting moment... but it may be enough to change what you see and how you feel. And that worth something. Just like you.
Light will find you if you don't run away from it. Be patient. Light will find you.
This is a little different than what I usually post here, but bare with me. <3
I took this picture (below) in what I believe to be a haunted asylum. Its probably not haunted, but at the first hint of noise that didn't come from me or my creative partner I ran out of the house, through a half opened window for fear of my life. Homie don't play ;) There were a lot of buildings on this campus which allowed for some independent exploring. I must admit I was terrified. Not only was I afraid of the supernatural, I was also afraid of running into anyone who may have made this abandoned building their home. I was woefully unprepared for any such altercation so, I walked through these buildings as a guest, and announcing myself as I walked into different parts of the buildings. I am sure that I sounded crazy, but I honestly had no idea what I was walking into, and I wanted to be sure that whoever/whatever was living there knew I was not a threat, just someone who wanted to see the inside of a once magnificent building.
We went during the day, which was a good idea for many reasons, but mostly because the electricity in this building was non existent. But since it is an older building that is very much falling apart, there are a LOT of places that are dark... and wet too. When we went, the snow was melting through the roof and the stained glass ceiling onto the grand stair case.
There were many beautiful things within this place; huge 12 foot mirrors, an incredible layered staircase, intricate carvings on the fire places, a book written by Ben Carson... (lol)
But what I found the most striking was the dichotomy of it all. There would be this beautifully etched wooden french doors that led out to the wrap around covered porch, but the doors were warped and boarded up... which in turn made them ugly.
One of the buildings was completely deteriorated on the inside, the stair case had gaping holes in it, the windows were broken, there was a tree growing THROUGH the broken window, the paint was peeling off of everything, and the ceiling had fallen apart in places so badly that you could see into the floors above it.
Yet still, there was beauty in the magnificent decay. Frou Frou once said "There's beauty in the breakdown." and its always been something I've repeated to myself when cycling through my depression. It seems a little pretentious to say, and I realize that, but in walking through the decrepit halls and rooms of this once breathtaking building, there were numerous places where the sun had found its way INTO the building, from places it definitely should NOT be. From a contractor standpoint this is very unsafe and not at all ideal for a building that once housed very sick children, but as someone who got to walk around for a day... it was beautiful.
I didn't realize how many pictures I had taken of this phenomenon until I had gotten home and culled through the 500 images from the day. I would say about 20 percent of the pictures involved a sliver of light cutting through glass, or ceilings or second story floors to illuminate a small area.
It really truly was something I was not meaning capture, but there in my hands I realized I had found that curious light. Over and over again.
The thing that astounds me about it, is that it seemed so... pure. And I was clearly inadvertently captivated by it. And I know it sounds very... preachy to say, but I remember thinking to myself "wow, this is truly something beautiful. *click* There's a lesson here."
I was not going to post about it on facebook or any where but my private brain journal, because in essence. its just that the building is falling to pieces and therefore the sun is clearly going to shine through the cracks. Thats just physics, and science and obvious, martha. But I have been struggling very heavily with finding gratitude lately. And when I sat down to edit some images, i stumbled on this one posted below, and it kind of took my breath away and brought me back to that cold day in March.
As many of you know, I was diagnosed with bi polar type 2 when I was 18 years old, and over the past year my symptoms have really changed. While I have been very good at managing my mental health, a lot of my tips and tricks have been futile because it just isn't presenting the way it used to. This has caused me stress. So much to the point that I actually reached out to a few of my friends in the mental health field to try and see if maybe... I was misdiagnosed, or if maybe my bi polar somehow morphed into some super human brain thing that cannot be conquered. My mania is all but gone these days, and quite honestly the mania part of the bi polar is really what was sustaining me for a while, so not having it is a realllllllly strange feeling
Not to mention there have been a few things that haven't really swung my way lately, and I have been constantly making plans and having the immediately adjust them only to have them end up going back to original plan A, but with a few minor differences, and then go to plan Q. I have been getting whiplash, and I am tired. And then I got hurt. Bad. From a fall. And that put a serious damper on my summer, and my business. Its been hard to really be like "oh yeah I am so grateful for my life, things aren't perfect but gosh darn it people like me and lifes ok" when it feels like even your own body is trying to send you a message to "STOP DOING THINGS.". Which brings my back to gratitude.
I've always felt that the practice of gratitude is something that privileged people would say to someone to make them feel better "Just think of 5 things that you are grateful for before bed, it will change your life".
No, what will change my life is a million dollars, or health insurance, or the dishwasher being fixed (which it is now! yay). Sitting around being all hippie about my life sometimes seems... unauthentic, and quite honestly unhelpful. There's a sincerity in admitting sometimes things just suck. I mean, I'm not depressed, or cycling with the bi polar, but things in the universe haven't been so sweet to me lately. I can admit that. I am not a victim, but I'm tired of having to work so hard sometimes.
But at the same time, in my logical brain, I KNOW that there are a lo of things to be happy about. My friends are great, I have a place to live, hobbies I enjoy... but I can counter act that with "my friends live too far away or we are too busy to talk, my room is constantly leaking from either the stupid dryer or the rain, and I can't even take pictures right now because I can barely walk, etc...". See what happens when you're stuck in a cycle? You can literally talk yourself into a shitty mood, for no real reason other than thats just what you've been doing as self preservation for a year.
But today as I was going through the pictures from the asylum again, I ran into this one (below), and was like, welllll damn martha, if that isn't a really awesome slap in the face. Remember when you saw this and said "Light finds a way, even in the darkest places"? Yes... flave, I do. I guess I needed this reminder.
And so I am here to pass it on to you. As pretentious as it may sound, I think its important for you to know that even if you are in a really dark place... you aren't alone. I have been there. I have walked down what seems like endless abandoned hallways of the mind feeling worthless and alone, and have been unable to find the light that is coming through the cracks. But every once in a while, if you allow your brain to stop screaming and you can find a little peace and calm, you can find the light.
If I had been walking even just a LITTLE faster, I would have missed this entirely. I would never have seen this little sliver pushing through the wood ceiling. I wouldn't have allowed my self this opportunity for a moment of beauty and even a little grace... inside a damp, cold, likely asbestos filled, paint peeling, monument of abandoned architecture. In a room that looks like it hasn't ever felt an ounce of love or care in its lifetime... light cut through. And illuminated the flaws within it, in this dichotomy of chaos and peace. And it took my breath away.
What a nice reminder. Slow down, deep breaths, stop allowing your brain to constantly yell at you, and find a quiet moment... the light will find you. Even if its only a sliver, or a fleeting moment... but it may be enough to change what you see and how you feel. And that worth something. Just like you.
Light will find you if you don't run away from it. Be patient. Light will find you.
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