Closing in, I hope that you like it...
Closing in, I hope you find your way...
Its as if a weight has been lifted. I've been living in the shadows about everything I posted about yesterday, and then I just... sorta put it all out there, and now I'm breathing much easier. I don't mind keeping secrets... but when its MY story, and I'm struggling so hard, my body starts to get literally sick. Its why I have an anxiety disorder.
I don't want to talk about it, really... because lets be honest, if you know me, you know my stomach issues. Its gotten so bad that its actually hurt my relationships. Ya know, like throwing up in someones car and having to hide it so they don't know? yeah. Thats me. It's embarrassing... but I do sorta/kinda wanna vent about it. Which will probably lead to me reaching an ENTIRELY new topic that has nothing to do with how I started. Like puppies, or underwear gnomes or something.
Things that go wrong with me and my body when I'm stressed:
1) sleep problems.
I mean if you know anything about me you know that I haven't been able to keep a steady sleep schedule in months. And the last time I did, it was merely because I was living with kids and they'd throw Boba Fett helmets at me in the morning to wake me up. But my bed time was all over the place and now is no different. Drum corps evens that a bit out for me, which has been helpful. There was a time about 3 months ago, oddly enough not at the peak of my shit storm but still, where I was only functioning on about 2-3 hours of sleep a night. That was super fun.
2) ouchie muscles
And also, if you know anything about me, my body and my health is a direct correlation to whats going on in my life. If I'm sick its usually because of my stress/anxiety level. I had these ulcers on my mouth for about 3 weeks not too long ago. And it hurt. Made drum corps VERY difficult. And by difficult, I mean impossible. My back will lock up, most specifically my right side... although I've been fortunate to only of had that symptom once in the past year or so. Ask my housemates, it was borderline hilarious.
3) drinking habits
Its no surprise that I like my alcohol. I like beer. I prefer it to soda. Something about soda makes me jittery and makes my stomach not so happy, ESPECIALLY if I haven't had it in a while. So, with dinner, I have a beer... or some beers. My lifestyle usually allows for this to be an acceptable thing. In addition high tolerance seems to run in my family. But its not the intoxication that I crave, its truly the taste. I just enjoy beer... oh and juice. I fucking love juice. ANYWAY, when I'm super stressed, I stop drinking. It just looses its appeal. I think its because, like most people, I associate drinking with happy times and fun and all that... and when I'm fighting something, the last thing I feel like doing is being social.
4) Cleaning
its not uncommon for a person to resort to a bit of mania when they're feeling stressed or depressed. Thats usually because its something someone can control when they're feeling out of control. When I was working for the studio, this whole cleaning thing wasn't really an option for me... because it being a studio meant that it pretty clean most of the time anyway. I mean I could have gotten nitpicky with it... but generally, it was easy to maintain. So when I went and hung out in Rofo, I'd clean there. Here? well my room is a bit disorganized (but thats partly because its just sorta empty), but my apartment itself isn't messy. In the kitchen, everything has a home and in the bathroom, its pretty organized and tidy in there too. So when I get stressed here, I clean my car... or my office. Or I get the shopvac out and shopvac ALL the crevices of the apartment. That, my friends, is what we call mania.
5) I make excuses
for everything. I've gotten much better about this in the past year since my return to Md. Its important to me that I do. But when you're really stressed, and just aren't feeling up to doing anything... we ALL block solutions. Its sort of like what Gotye says "you can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness..."
This brings me to part B of the above paragraph
5b) avoid change
When feeling sad, sometimes it gets so comfy in that place that while we "want" to be happy... we make no choices to facilitate that. We get used to the melancholy, because we've learned how to live in that place. And what if we go after something new? and it fails? then you have to go through all the shock and horror of spiraling down to sad again. Why do that when I can fully function here in the dark and twisty place? Its sort of sick logic... but think about what Vince Vaughn says in Dodgeball "I find that if you make goals, you don't always meet them. So I don't make them, and I am never disappointed... and I gotta tell ya, it feels great!"
Sort of sad... but also true in many ways. We, as people generally have a fear of success. And its less about the idea of "success", I think, and more about just fearing something different. If things are the status quo, and it works... why push it? Well, the "right" thing to say is "because it could be even better". We're supposed to strive to be more and do more... but it COMPLETELY takes us out of our comfort zone. And now, conversely, we actively search to NOT do that. And in many cases to our detriment. Over used sayings that apply: "let sleeping dogs lie", "if it ain't broke don't fix it".
In many ways we see problems in ourselves like this and we see the whole picture. We see EVERYTHING as a threat to our status quo, and even if you are miserable, it just seems so all encompassing to do ALL OF THE THINGS at once, to pull yourself out of it. So, instead.... we do none of it. And we hide behind a banner of avoidance. And we'll make excuses "oh well, I can't do ____ because of ____", and sometimes they are valid reasons. Sometimes "I just don't want to" is a good enough reason. But in general, we get overwhelmed, and instead of making any headway, we stand petrified.
This is me. This is probably my biggest fault as a person. And it was just pointed out to me not too long ago.
And its two parted. I was also told many times over the past 13 months that I don't take responsibility for my actions (I wrote a blog on that a few months ago). I want to just reiterate, that just because I don't openly admit something to the WHOLE world, doesn't mean that I don't understand the consequences of things that I've done... it usually just means I'm trying to move on. This is part of the equation I've gotten much better about. Its the second step of the process: "okay, I did ____ so now what am I gonna do about it?"
My usual answer? nothing.
UNLESS, of course, its something that I have complete faith in... ie- matters of the heart. That? I have no problems deciding which path to take. Usually. Plus that takes two to tango... you can decide something and feel something, but you can't make another person make a decision. They have to do it. It takes two, baby.
But with personal struggles, petrification is my method of choice. Its like I play possum with the life game. If I just lie REAL still... it'll just go away... yes? This is new inaction technique is a bit new for me. Its something I've developed. I mean there is something to be said about leaving well enough alone, but when shit is happening and decisions need to be made... STATUE.
Another exception to this is when there is no choice. Like when dealing with the DUI stuff, there is a process to be followed. But when it has to be internally motivated... inaction.
So, when I was freaking out back in late April about how I felt I was failing, I got this advice: I needed to just breathe. And refocus. Which is sort of what I closed my blog the other day with; small goals. Which, seems SO STUPID, because how can washing the dishes in your sink help you feel motivated with the bigger things in your life? Well, my friend said, the small things add up. Motivation begets motivation.
The advice I was given, was to make a daily routine. And then have goals for the bigger picture. Because until you have a process its all intangible. I, of course, fought that idea. I said I felt that was stupid because I can't control certain things in my life, and things change and I can't do ____ because until ____ happens, ____ can't happen. And then my friend yelled at me and said that things are always adjusting, and that while yes, you can't control others... you CAN control your personal efforts to make those things happen.
To put things into a more detailed example... I wanted to get a job, have money for rent school and corps. And also, if necessary take out a loan. So the he gave me was, apply for X amount of jobs each day, you can't control who hires you, but you can control how many you apply to. Have a goal for when you'd like to be gainfully employed. Then set out when you'd like to sign up for classes, and based around that, look into classes. Based on those two factors, decide when to start your research and applications for loans, and start that process. All of these things can happen over the period of 3 months. But every day, do something that helps you. Start a routine, and start to regulate things on a small scale. Small goals.
I combatted it with saying that all of this seemed very pedestrian and stupid and common sense, to which he said... "yes, but have yo done any of these things...? like, honestly broken it down?"
My answer was simply... "no."
So small goals. Okay, I got that. So... what ARE small goals? I mean what is "small"? Because sometimes, getting out of bed before noon is a large accomplishment for the depressed, heartbroken and unemployed. amirite?
So for me, like I said yesterday, waking up before 10am everyday, doing the dishes, and working out, then shower. Thats my morning routine now. Then I'll go and search and apply for jobs. NOT JUST RESEARCH, actually apply. No matter how time consuming, 3 a day. Those are my "small goals".
My large goals include going back to Howard Community in the fall, which is going to be HELL on my bank account because of gas, but... I love it there, and Carroll gave me a giant eff you... so I'm moving on from there. Ideally, I'd like to return in the fall, but I'm also very willing to accept that may not happen because of my lack of employment. So first things first... Job (see previous paragraph). I am also open to looking into loans to make this happen. So once the job is acquired and settled, I will be looking into student loans, seeing what (if anything) makes the most sense, and go from there. This also applies to looking into credit cards as well, my bank card is all I got, homies
But now there's a whole new set of "goals" I have to deal with, like the public defender thing, and the court date thing. Okay, so what? so things change... just adjust!
okay... I can do that.
The point is though, is the only way to make tough decisions, and to get through the crap times IS to stay focused... even if its on something small. When talking to my friend about this I joked about this being like a high school day planner... and he said, "yes, it was exactly like that. Its like the legos of life. You need a foundation of lego's before you can build you're fucking awesome lego tower!"
Unfortunately, there is no way to take your mind of a broken heart, or off of someone or something that hurt you. You can't say "hey tomorrow I will only think of this person ___ many times". It just doesn't operate that way. And a lot of times, you wouldn't make those promises to yourself anyway, because NOT thinking about them means letting them go... and sometimes letting them go feels like you're allowing yourself to forget what they meant to you. Although thats not the case at all, it sure does feel that way sometimes.
But you can, 100% control what you do from this point forward. Whether you're suffering from a broken heart, a lost conquest, a failed job opportunity, battles with the law, dealing with sickness... you can control you... even when it seems insurmountable; small goals.
This is NOT me preaching. This does not come from a high horse, high horses want nothing to do with me. this is just... fact. Apparently. I mean, even if I'm not at the bright and shiny place, I'd like to believe that its possible to get there, even when I feel like this.
So, this post started off as me talking about how I deal with stress and anxiety and has, ended up with me pep talking myself. See the thing is, like I said... my body is sometimes mean to me. And I'm super mean to it. I mean the last time I was put in a romantic situation my body was just so anxious it literally made me sick. And I hate that. And it has NOTHING to do with the person (if anything that person eased it), it has to do with everything around me, and I don't mean in that immediate situation. It has to do with my LIFE.
For an entire year, I felt sick to my stomach every. single. day. Thats not healthy. And in March it started happening again, and then in late April, I just broke. I called my friend on the phone, sat in my back yard and just cried. For the first time in a while, I felt totally lost and it scared the crap out of me. And this was BEFORE the DUI situation (about 3 days to be exact). This person calmed me down, told me how strong they saw me, and then proceeded to comfort me and allowed me to lick my wounds, all the while giving me advice on how to move forward, without coming across as "I know best".
I think sometimes, getting advice is just as much about being able to truly receive it, as it is finding the right person to deliver the information. In that moment, I truly did, and I'm forever thankful. I'll remember that moment my entire life. I've never opened up to any one like that in my as I did that night, and I never felt like anyone understood me as much as I did in that moment. Its something I'll cherish forever. I was so emotionally hurt and exhausted and just... broken, and they helped put me back together. At least, they gave me the faith that it could be done. They believed it, and therefore, so did I.
Fast forward to now... well... I'm still a mess. I'm still living in the dark place. Clearly. But I think back to that clarifying conversation and I revisit those concepts of small goals, and I break down what needs to get done, and it seems less... hard. I mean it still all seems impossible, and in this life moment... I just dont see how I'm going to get out of all of this... but I can't focus on that. I gotta focus on what I can do today, to start and continue the process.
Small goals. OH, and stop TRYING to be _____ and just be ______. Thats a big one too. Allow yourself to feel what you feel, whatever it is, and then just be.
As Jeff Goldblum in Jurassic Park says... "life finds a way".
Oh, I TOTES just wrote a novel. Oh well. A novel full of run on sentences, unmatching verb tenses and ALL kind of grammatical errors. I'm such a blog rockstar! ;)
here's a summation:
anxiety sucks, small goals... wait...
Oh christ, I just realized something... calling all Buccaneers... ya know that whole "brainspace" thing Johnny keeps preaching? And that whole concept of doing one thing at a time, think in segments...?
isn't that essentially what I just said?
shit.
uhh...
so...
Okay, I'm totally done. I give up. I say words and they directly relate to drum corps. I hate my life. :) I need to be done now me thinks!
go forth and be awesome,
~flave
Its as if a weight has been lifted. I've been living in the shadows about everything I posted about yesterday, and then I just... sorta put it all out there, and now I'm breathing much easier. I don't mind keeping secrets... but when its MY story, and I'm struggling so hard, my body starts to get literally sick. Its why I have an anxiety disorder.
I don't want to talk about it, really... because lets be honest, if you know me, you know my stomach issues. Its gotten so bad that its actually hurt my relationships. Ya know, like throwing up in someones car and having to hide it so they don't know? yeah. Thats me. It's embarrassing... but I do sorta/kinda wanna vent about it. Which will probably lead to me reaching an ENTIRELY new topic that has nothing to do with how I started. Like puppies, or underwear gnomes or something.
Things that go wrong with me and my body when I'm stressed:
1) sleep problems.
I mean if you know anything about me you know that I haven't been able to keep a steady sleep schedule in months. And the last time I did, it was merely because I was living with kids and they'd throw Boba Fett helmets at me in the morning to wake me up. But my bed time was all over the place and now is no different. Drum corps evens that a bit out for me, which has been helpful. There was a time about 3 months ago, oddly enough not at the peak of my shit storm but still, where I was only functioning on about 2-3 hours of sleep a night. That was super fun.
2) ouchie muscles
And also, if you know anything about me, my body and my health is a direct correlation to whats going on in my life. If I'm sick its usually because of my stress/anxiety level. I had these ulcers on my mouth for about 3 weeks not too long ago. And it hurt. Made drum corps VERY difficult. And by difficult, I mean impossible. My back will lock up, most specifically my right side... although I've been fortunate to only of had that symptom once in the past year or so. Ask my housemates, it was borderline hilarious.
3) drinking habits
Its no surprise that I like my alcohol. I like beer. I prefer it to soda. Something about soda makes me jittery and makes my stomach not so happy, ESPECIALLY if I haven't had it in a while. So, with dinner, I have a beer... or some beers. My lifestyle usually allows for this to be an acceptable thing. In addition high tolerance seems to run in my family. But its not the intoxication that I crave, its truly the taste. I just enjoy beer... oh and juice. I fucking love juice. ANYWAY, when I'm super stressed, I stop drinking. It just looses its appeal. I think its because, like most people, I associate drinking with happy times and fun and all that... and when I'm fighting something, the last thing I feel like doing is being social.
4) Cleaning
its not uncommon for a person to resort to a bit of mania when they're feeling stressed or depressed. Thats usually because its something someone can control when they're feeling out of control. When I was working for the studio, this whole cleaning thing wasn't really an option for me... because it being a studio meant that it pretty clean most of the time anyway. I mean I could have gotten nitpicky with it... but generally, it was easy to maintain. So when I went and hung out in Rofo, I'd clean there. Here? well my room is a bit disorganized (but thats partly because its just sorta empty), but my apartment itself isn't messy. In the kitchen, everything has a home and in the bathroom, its pretty organized and tidy in there too. So when I get stressed here, I clean my car... or my office. Or I get the shopvac out and shopvac ALL the crevices of the apartment. That, my friends, is what we call mania.
5) I make excuses
for everything. I've gotten much better about this in the past year since my return to Md. Its important to me that I do. But when you're really stressed, and just aren't feeling up to doing anything... we ALL block solutions. Its sort of like what Gotye says "you can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness..."
This brings me to part B of the above paragraph
5b) avoid change
When feeling sad, sometimes it gets so comfy in that place that while we "want" to be happy... we make no choices to facilitate that. We get used to the melancholy, because we've learned how to live in that place. And what if we go after something new? and it fails? then you have to go through all the shock and horror of spiraling down to sad again. Why do that when I can fully function here in the dark and twisty place? Its sort of sick logic... but think about what Vince Vaughn says in Dodgeball "I find that if you make goals, you don't always meet them. So I don't make them, and I am never disappointed... and I gotta tell ya, it feels great!"
Sort of sad... but also true in many ways. We, as people generally have a fear of success. And its less about the idea of "success", I think, and more about just fearing something different. If things are the status quo, and it works... why push it? Well, the "right" thing to say is "because it could be even better". We're supposed to strive to be more and do more... but it COMPLETELY takes us out of our comfort zone. And now, conversely, we actively search to NOT do that. And in many cases to our detriment. Over used sayings that apply: "let sleeping dogs lie", "if it ain't broke don't fix it".
In many ways we see problems in ourselves like this and we see the whole picture. We see EVERYTHING as a threat to our status quo, and even if you are miserable, it just seems so all encompassing to do ALL OF THE THINGS at once, to pull yourself out of it. So, instead.... we do none of it. And we hide behind a banner of avoidance. And we'll make excuses "oh well, I can't do ____ because of ____", and sometimes they are valid reasons. Sometimes "I just don't want to" is a good enough reason. But in general, we get overwhelmed, and instead of making any headway, we stand petrified.
This is me. This is probably my biggest fault as a person. And it was just pointed out to me not too long ago.
And its two parted. I was also told many times over the past 13 months that I don't take responsibility for my actions (I wrote a blog on that a few months ago). I want to just reiterate, that just because I don't openly admit something to the WHOLE world, doesn't mean that I don't understand the consequences of things that I've done... it usually just means I'm trying to move on. This is part of the equation I've gotten much better about. Its the second step of the process: "okay, I did ____ so now what am I gonna do about it?"
My usual answer? nothing.
UNLESS, of course, its something that I have complete faith in... ie- matters of the heart. That? I have no problems deciding which path to take. Usually. Plus that takes two to tango... you can decide something and feel something, but you can't make another person make a decision. They have to do it. It takes two, baby.
But with personal struggles, petrification is my method of choice. Its like I play possum with the life game. If I just lie REAL still... it'll just go away... yes? This is new inaction technique is a bit new for me. Its something I've developed. I mean there is something to be said about leaving well enough alone, but when shit is happening and decisions need to be made... STATUE.
Another exception to this is when there is no choice. Like when dealing with the DUI stuff, there is a process to be followed. But when it has to be internally motivated... inaction.
So, when I was freaking out back in late April about how I felt I was failing, I got this advice: I needed to just breathe. And refocus. Which is sort of what I closed my blog the other day with; small goals. Which, seems SO STUPID, because how can washing the dishes in your sink help you feel motivated with the bigger things in your life? Well, my friend said, the small things add up. Motivation begets motivation.
The advice I was given, was to make a daily routine. And then have goals for the bigger picture. Because until you have a process its all intangible. I, of course, fought that idea. I said I felt that was stupid because I can't control certain things in my life, and things change and I can't do ____ because until ____ happens, ____ can't happen. And then my friend yelled at me and said that things are always adjusting, and that while yes, you can't control others... you CAN control your personal efforts to make those things happen.
To put things into a more detailed example... I wanted to get a job, have money for rent school and corps. And also, if necessary take out a loan. So the he gave me was, apply for X amount of jobs each day, you can't control who hires you, but you can control how many you apply to. Have a goal for when you'd like to be gainfully employed. Then set out when you'd like to sign up for classes, and based around that, look into classes. Based on those two factors, decide when to start your research and applications for loans, and start that process. All of these things can happen over the period of 3 months. But every day, do something that helps you. Start a routine, and start to regulate things on a small scale. Small goals.
I combatted it with saying that all of this seemed very pedestrian and stupid and common sense, to which he said... "yes, but have yo done any of these things...? like, honestly broken it down?"
My answer was simply... "no."
So small goals. Okay, I got that. So... what ARE small goals? I mean what is "small"? Because sometimes, getting out of bed before noon is a large accomplishment for the depressed, heartbroken and unemployed. amirite?
So for me, like I said yesterday, waking up before 10am everyday, doing the dishes, and working out, then shower. Thats my morning routine now. Then I'll go and search and apply for jobs. NOT JUST RESEARCH, actually apply. No matter how time consuming, 3 a day. Those are my "small goals".
My large goals include going back to Howard Community in the fall, which is going to be HELL on my bank account because of gas, but... I love it there, and Carroll gave me a giant eff you... so I'm moving on from there. Ideally, I'd like to return in the fall, but I'm also very willing to accept that may not happen because of my lack of employment. So first things first... Job (see previous paragraph). I am also open to looking into loans to make this happen. So once the job is acquired and settled, I will be looking into student loans, seeing what (if anything) makes the most sense, and go from there. This also applies to looking into credit cards as well, my bank card is all I got, homies
But now there's a whole new set of "goals" I have to deal with, like the public defender thing, and the court date thing. Okay, so what? so things change... just adjust!
okay... I can do that.
The point is though, is the only way to make tough decisions, and to get through the crap times IS to stay focused... even if its on something small. When talking to my friend about this I joked about this being like a high school day planner... and he said, "yes, it was exactly like that. Its like the legos of life. You need a foundation of lego's before you can build you're fucking awesome lego tower!"
Unfortunately, there is no way to take your mind of a broken heart, or off of someone or something that hurt you. You can't say "hey tomorrow I will only think of this person ___ many times". It just doesn't operate that way. And a lot of times, you wouldn't make those promises to yourself anyway, because NOT thinking about them means letting them go... and sometimes letting them go feels like you're allowing yourself to forget what they meant to you. Although thats not the case at all, it sure does feel that way sometimes.
But you can, 100% control what you do from this point forward. Whether you're suffering from a broken heart, a lost conquest, a failed job opportunity, battles with the law, dealing with sickness... you can control you... even when it seems insurmountable; small goals.
This is NOT me preaching. This does not come from a high horse, high horses want nothing to do with me. this is just... fact. Apparently. I mean, even if I'm not at the bright and shiny place, I'd like to believe that its possible to get there, even when I feel like this.
So, this post started off as me talking about how I deal with stress and anxiety and has, ended up with me pep talking myself. See the thing is, like I said... my body is sometimes mean to me. And I'm super mean to it. I mean the last time I was put in a romantic situation my body was just so anxious it literally made me sick. And I hate that. And it has NOTHING to do with the person (if anything that person eased it), it has to do with everything around me, and I don't mean in that immediate situation. It has to do with my LIFE.
For an entire year, I felt sick to my stomach every. single. day. Thats not healthy. And in March it started happening again, and then in late April, I just broke. I called my friend on the phone, sat in my back yard and just cried. For the first time in a while, I felt totally lost and it scared the crap out of me. And this was BEFORE the DUI situation (about 3 days to be exact). This person calmed me down, told me how strong they saw me, and then proceeded to comfort me and allowed me to lick my wounds, all the while giving me advice on how to move forward, without coming across as "I know best".
I think sometimes, getting advice is just as much about being able to truly receive it, as it is finding the right person to deliver the information. In that moment, I truly did, and I'm forever thankful. I'll remember that moment my entire life. I've never opened up to any one like that in my as I did that night, and I never felt like anyone understood me as much as I did in that moment. Its something I'll cherish forever. I was so emotionally hurt and exhausted and just... broken, and they helped put me back together. At least, they gave me the faith that it could be done. They believed it, and therefore, so did I.
Fast forward to now... well... I'm still a mess. I'm still living in the dark place. Clearly. But I think back to that clarifying conversation and I revisit those concepts of small goals, and I break down what needs to get done, and it seems less... hard. I mean it still all seems impossible, and in this life moment... I just dont see how I'm going to get out of all of this... but I can't focus on that. I gotta focus on what I can do today, to start and continue the process.
Small goals. OH, and stop TRYING to be _____ and just be ______. Thats a big one too. Allow yourself to feel what you feel, whatever it is, and then just be.
As Jeff Goldblum in Jurassic Park says... "life finds a way".
Oh, I TOTES just wrote a novel. Oh well. A novel full of run on sentences, unmatching verb tenses and ALL kind of grammatical errors. I'm such a blog rockstar! ;)
here's a summation:
anxiety sucks, small goals... wait...
Oh christ, I just realized something... calling all Buccaneers... ya know that whole "brainspace" thing Johnny keeps preaching? And that whole concept of doing one thing at a time, think in segments...?
isn't that essentially what I just said?
shit.
uhh...
so...
Okay, I'm totally done. I give up. I say words and they directly relate to drum corps. I hate my life. :) I need to be done now me thinks!
go forth and be awesome,
~flave
http://youtu.be/04854XqcfCY
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