You shoot me down, but I won't fall...
I am Titanium.
Good afternoon to all the lovely people of my world,
Here's a song for you, tune credited to Will Smith/Fresh Prince of Bel Air
Now this is a story, all about how, my life got twist turned upside down
I'd like to take a minute just sit right there, I'll tell you how I got a DUI after my wheels got a tear.
*musical interlude*
At Twin Valley School District, polished and praised, I played in Spring Preview after a very long day,
hypin out, tired but also wired and cool, I was driving my red car outside of the school..
when a couple of bumps, made me think "this isn't good"... had me sway over a curb in someones neighborhood,
I got one flat tire and the cops got scared, they said "do you mind if we chill until the tow gets here?"
I said it was cool but he felt there was something to fear, so I did the crane while it rained and there were lights in my mirror.
if anything I thought it was neat that he cared, but before I knew it he said "blow in this thing right here!"
*musical interlude*
He put me in the cop car and it was real late, and I said to the popo, I want a BAC to tell my fate
He took me to Reading, I was finally there, with a DUI charge... and I was real fucking scared."
yeah I can rhyme and stuff.... but seriously I got a DUI. Let me go into more detail here.
I want to preface this with a few thoughts:
I also think that maybe hearing this story, it might be a revelation to those of "us" who think that it cant happen to them. It can. It did.
Essentially my little Will Smith parody above is accurate. On my way back from a restaurant, I got a flat tire... but my car is shitty, and it was raining, and it was like 2am... and I swerved. I swerved up and over a curb, which damaged my other passenger side tire (although, I didn't know that at the time yet). So I tried to make it to the light so I could get off the "main" road, but I couldn't. I called my insurance company for a tow. About 5 minutes after I hung up with the insurance company a cop pulled over to check on me and make sure I was alright. I won't go into a lot of details here, but its a pretty funny chain of events including but not limited to talking about the Avengers, me crying, me describing drum corps, me laughing.. etc etc..
Irregardlessnesslyinger, I didn't pass the breathalizer, and so I requested a BAC test. I knew that this would buy me more time, among other things. This of course, means that they have to handcuff you, and take you down to "central booking". So... thats what they did. It wasn't until I was in the car for about 10 minutes before I started to get really terrified. When I got to the place, they hand cuffed my feet, and my hands and took my blood (and let me tell you the peeing saga is a whole other story worthy of its own blog post), and then when all that was said and done, they threw me into this... GIANT concrete room. All of the window trim was painted either turquoise or purple... and I have NO IDEA why. It was reminiscent of like, what I think a toddler room would look like in purgatory. There were large octagon tables bolted to the floor and large windows so you could see into the hallway. Like I said. Toddler room in purgatory.
There was this "super pleasant" individual in the room with me who had blood ALL down the front of her shirt and was the most wasted I've seen anyone in a long long long time. She "had no idea why she was in there". Although after a very HILARIOUS conversation and me trying to reason with her, I discovered that she got into a bar fight with some other chic over a guy... and there was like WWE wrestling involved, including hitting someone over the head with a bar stool. Ridiculous. Stay classy, Reading. Anyway, after what seemed like forever, my ride came to pick me up, and this very nice Irish cop came to get me, unshackled me and brought me upstairs. I tried to have a good humor about it, but the humiliation of it all... just... its hard to get passed that.
The next day (the day we learned "Cool" by the way... not a great day to miss a rehearsal), I spent it tracking down my car and walking all over Elverson trying to get it. At this point in my saga, I was still positive that the only issue was the flat tire. Buuuuut it wasn't. When I finally got to see my car in the light of day, it was pretty apparent that I was going to have to have it towed the whole 100 miles to Westminster, MD from Elverson. Balls.
The tow truck guy was very nice and kind and helpful. He's a salsa dancer in his free time, and went to Kutztown many moons ago. He was even so nice to drive me to my actual house, not just the mechanic. Super awesome.
So... thats the DUI story. Now, let me link a few things together that have happened SINCE, that might explain a little bit about why I've been loosing my shit, so to speak. Two days after that hell-acious evening, I (for all intents and purposes) had to let someone go out of my life who had become incredibly important to me. You could call it a break up I suppose, but no matter what you want to call it, it hurt... a lot. I don't want to sound pedestrian about it, but I also haven't talked about it yet (its been almost two months and I still haven't told anyone the contents of the conversation), and I am not going to do that here, so moving on...
Having no car, meant no school, which mean missing class and exams, which hurt my GPA... a lot. One of my professors allowed me write a paper to make up for it which did salvage my grade... but the other two? not so much. I was also carless which is a pain in the ass to begin with. Also, one of my closer friends was arrested for some serious shit, which was baffling and hurtful; my dad's hydrocephalus has become more of a problem, I lost my job, my estranged grandfather and uncle called to tell us that they are moving back to MD (after years of silence... awkward...), I had to shell out almost my entire bank account to pay for the tow and the damage to my car, then... just when I thought the shit storm had started to pass, I got the paper work explaining what the state of PA is charging me with. AND THEN I had the pleasure of telling my parents who were obviously less than thrilled with the situation.
And those are just some of the "highlights" of my life lately. This isn't including the more "minor" things that have been happening (example: getting sick, surprise visits from unexpected people, walking in on conversations I shouldn't have heard). But all of that kind of stuff is just... melodrama. The stuff thats been weighing on me has primarily been that of a much more serious nature:
1) holy shit i got arrested
2) holy shit what happens now
3) holy shit finances
4) holy shit school
5) holy shit my whole life exploded in the matter of three weeks
Its just been a lot. And I've been on overload. The good news is, the car is fixed and functioning, and the insurance paid for "most" of it... although i have yet to see the check from the tow... boo. Some of the other things that have been getting in the way of happy Martha are not things that I can particularly control, so I have been putting them into the "no time to deal with this" category for now.
Its a scary thing, the law. I mean, in my case, it was just really bad timing. Its not like I got pulled over because of my erratic driving.... I was already pulled over (he can't pull over any more!). But still, I was over the limit according to the law, and now I have to deal with the consequences.
So today (full circle now...), I went to Birsdboro, Pa for my arraignment. I thought I was going to poop my pants. I am not gong to go into every single detail, but the judge was actually super nice. We had a very nice conversation about drum corps because he knew someone from Buccaneers. He read me my rights, told me what would happen if I miss my next court date (holy shit btw... there were a lot of zero's behind that 5....), and how to apply for a public defender. He also told me that he does weddings there so if the man in my life wisens up... I should bring him there. To which I laughed. A lot.
On a serious note: its not out of the realm of possibility that could loose my license for a year, among a lot of other unfun things. Just think about what would happen to your life if you couldn't drive... yeah.
I got in my car, reviewed all the paperwork and all the worst case scenarios, which is enough to make a black person like me turn white, and then headed into Reading to the judicial building to apply for a public defender. This was a whole other escapade involving getting searched, filling out a mountain of paperwork followed by a "wow, you're so poor look at my disapproving face" face.
My next court date is in late July. Which, yes its daunting... its ALSO comforting because it gives me some time to get my life back in order. First order of business: getting a job. ANY JOB that will pay my rent/bills/gas up to Buccs and back.
The thing is, when all of this started happening, it all happened at once. It was literally, every 2-3 days another issue would arise, first getting arrested, then my car, then the break up, then missing class, then exams, then getting my grades back, then finances, then my friend getting arrested, then having a nervous breakdown, then hearing that my dad was still suffering from his brain thing, then hearing about my grandad, then loosing my job, then dealing with melodrama, then just when I thought the DUI thing was over... hearing about my arraignment... it just was non stop for about 4 weeks. I'm exhausted. Utterly exhausted.
But on one hand its definitely had me re-prioritize my life. Although my fear is now that things have "slowed down" (using that term loosely), I worry that I will actually start to emote and feel the weight of it all. When big things happen to me, I usually go into crisis management mode, and put all emotions aside until the biggest most pressing issues are being handled. I call it Calm In Crisis Barbie. But now since most of it has been handled... I dunno. The gravity of it all is sort of hitting me. I have no other option but to push on. But I am petrified.
Not to mention, I'm not a generally lonely person, but I've just been feeling to very... isolated. I think though, that if I can get through this whole ordeal, and not loose Bucs, or my apartment, I will be 100% certain that I can handle anything I need to on my own. It'd just be nice if I didn't have to all the time. I'm just searching for comfort.
I will say though that despite my overwhelming feeling of "ZOMGZ ALL OF THE THINGS ARE HAPPENING. ALL OF THE THINGS"... its been very wonderful to see how many people are there for me. Its why I'm writing this blog post. I had SO MANY texts, and phone calls and such over the past few weeks that answering them all individually would have taken me the remainder of the summer. And I am completely 100% undeserving of your kindness. I don't like using the word "blessed".... mostly because I live in the dark and twisty place, but... I guess... you guys make me feel lucky. Because, I do believe in a lot of ways... this is karma asking me to pay for all the times I drove under the influence, or hurt other people, or skated through school all those years... and now I'm making up for it a bit. Not that any one person deserves to be miserable and frustrated and... just... on overload... But you all... you're just incredible. I've been incredibly self absorbed, and a pain in the ass and mopey. I know this. But you have put up with me. Which helps a lot when I think about the people who aren't anymore.
I'm not saying I'm all better, and that there is light at the end of the tunnel, because there are a LOT of things that have to get sorted out before all of the past 2 months start to fade into the past for me, but what I am saying is that I'm thankful for you all. More than I can articulate lately.
There was this guy I knew once that told me that "stuff is just stuff... it'll go away." At the time it became schtick but in looking back on it, its true. In revisiting that idea we talked about how keeping focus is really the key and how doing one thing everything that works towards your goal, however small or big it is, will keep you from getting overwhelmed and instead make you motivated Just start small. Small goals.
So in the interest of keeping me honest, here are some small goals for me this week:
Waking up in the morning at the sameish time
4 job applications a day
keeping the dished out of the sink (FUCK ANTS)
keeping up with the exercise routine I've been slacking on
buzzing/practicing (w00t trumpet) 15-20 minutes a day
Small goals. Such simple, but perfect advice. <3
So thats it kids, thats the "juicy story". Morals?
Don't drink and drive.
Don't pee when you're "downtown".... just trust me.
don't take life to seriously, you'll never get out alive
BUT don't be afraid to put effort in to re-prioritize when needed
take the chance to love. just do it.
all families are batshit cray cray. its just what it is
The Reading Buccaneers are pretty fucking awesome. ONE!
Thats it homies,
go forth and be awesome,
~flave
P.S Also this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2H5uWRjFsGc
Good afternoon to all the lovely people of my world,
Here's a song for you, tune credited to Will Smith/Fresh Prince of Bel Air
Now this is a story, all about how, my life got twist turned upside down
I'd like to take a minute just sit right there, I'll tell you how I got a DUI after my wheels got a tear.
*musical interlude*
At Twin Valley School District, polished and praised, I played in Spring Preview after a very long day,
hypin out, tired but also wired and cool, I was driving my red car outside of the school..
when a couple of bumps, made me think "this isn't good"... had me sway over a curb in someones neighborhood,
I got one flat tire and the cops got scared, they said "do you mind if we chill until the tow gets here?"
I said it was cool but he felt there was something to fear, so I did the crane while it rained and there were lights in my mirror.
if anything I thought it was neat that he cared, but before I knew it he said "blow in this thing right here!"
*musical interlude*
He put me in the cop car and it was real late, and I said to the popo, I want a BAC to tell my fate
He took me to Reading, I was finally there, with a DUI charge... and I was real fucking scared."
yeah I can rhyme and stuff.... but seriously I got a DUI. Let me go into more detail here.
I want to preface this with a few thoughts:
- I am posting this for two reasons:
- The response of my friends today and all week has been so overbearing that it is just easier to post this, and let everyone read it
- there are enough rumors surfacing as it is, and this way, people can read it and hear everything from the source, rather than speculating.
- I also request that you read this with a bit of humor.
- this saga, has become too big of a deal for me to only discuss seriously. So its important that if you choose to read this novel, that you understand this is me talking. Not you.
- I realize that some people may read into this as Martha Narcissism, or me bragging about something that could label me with the "bad girl" stigma... but I want to put that bull crap to rest right now. If you hear me making jokes about this story, its ONLY because its a defense mechanism. And humor, I've found, is the best medicine. But don't mistake that as me being cavalier or anything other than me just trying to find a way to get through the mess. Truthfully I've never felt so humbled in my life.
I also think that maybe hearing this story, it might be a revelation to those of "us" who think that it cant happen to them. It can. It did.
Essentially my little Will Smith parody above is accurate. On my way back from a restaurant, I got a flat tire... but my car is shitty, and it was raining, and it was like 2am... and I swerved. I swerved up and over a curb, which damaged my other passenger side tire (although, I didn't know that at the time yet). So I tried to make it to the light so I could get off the "main" road, but I couldn't. I called my insurance company for a tow. About 5 minutes after I hung up with the insurance company a cop pulled over to check on me and make sure I was alright. I won't go into a lot of details here, but its a pretty funny chain of events including but not limited to talking about the Avengers, me crying, me describing drum corps, me laughing.. etc etc..
Irregardlessnesslyinger, I didn't pass the breathalizer, and so I requested a BAC test. I knew that this would buy me more time, among other things. This of course, means that they have to handcuff you, and take you down to "central booking". So... thats what they did. It wasn't until I was in the car for about 10 minutes before I started to get really terrified. When I got to the place, they hand cuffed my feet, and my hands and took my blood (and let me tell you the peeing saga is a whole other story worthy of its own blog post), and then when all that was said and done, they threw me into this... GIANT concrete room. All of the window trim was painted either turquoise or purple... and I have NO IDEA why. It was reminiscent of like, what I think a toddler room would look like in purgatory. There were large octagon tables bolted to the floor and large windows so you could see into the hallway. Like I said. Toddler room in purgatory.
There was this "super pleasant" individual in the room with me who had blood ALL down the front of her shirt and was the most wasted I've seen anyone in a long long long time. She "had no idea why she was in there". Although after a very HILARIOUS conversation and me trying to reason with her, I discovered that she got into a bar fight with some other chic over a guy... and there was like WWE wrestling involved, including hitting someone over the head with a bar stool. Ridiculous. Stay classy, Reading. Anyway, after what seemed like forever, my ride came to pick me up, and this very nice Irish cop came to get me, unshackled me and brought me upstairs. I tried to have a good humor about it, but the humiliation of it all... just... its hard to get passed that.
The next day (the day we learned "Cool" by the way... not a great day to miss a rehearsal), I spent it tracking down my car and walking all over Elverson trying to get it. At this point in my saga, I was still positive that the only issue was the flat tire. Buuuuut it wasn't. When I finally got to see my car in the light of day, it was pretty apparent that I was going to have to have it towed the whole 100 miles to Westminster, MD from Elverson. Balls.
The tow truck guy was very nice and kind and helpful. He's a salsa dancer in his free time, and went to Kutztown many moons ago. He was even so nice to drive me to my actual house, not just the mechanic. Super awesome.
So... thats the DUI story. Now, let me link a few things together that have happened SINCE, that might explain a little bit about why I've been loosing my shit, so to speak. Two days after that hell-acious evening, I (for all intents and purposes) had to let someone go out of my life who had become incredibly important to me. You could call it a break up I suppose, but no matter what you want to call it, it hurt... a lot. I don't want to sound pedestrian about it, but I also haven't talked about it yet (its been almost two months and I still haven't told anyone the contents of the conversation), and I am not going to do that here, so moving on...
Having no car, meant no school, which mean missing class and exams, which hurt my GPA... a lot. One of my professors allowed me write a paper to make up for it which did salvage my grade... but the other two? not so much. I was also carless which is a pain in the ass to begin with. Also, one of my closer friends was arrested for some serious shit, which was baffling and hurtful; my dad's hydrocephalus has become more of a problem, I lost my job, my estranged grandfather and uncle called to tell us that they are moving back to MD (after years of silence... awkward...), I had to shell out almost my entire bank account to pay for the tow and the damage to my car, then... just when I thought the shit storm had started to pass, I got the paper work explaining what the state of PA is charging me with. AND THEN I had the pleasure of telling my parents who were obviously less than thrilled with the situation.
And those are just some of the "highlights" of my life lately. This isn't including the more "minor" things that have been happening (example: getting sick, surprise visits from unexpected people, walking in on conversations I shouldn't have heard). But all of that kind of stuff is just... melodrama. The stuff thats been weighing on me has primarily been that of a much more serious nature:
1) holy shit i got arrested
2) holy shit what happens now
3) holy shit finances
4) holy shit school
5) holy shit my whole life exploded in the matter of three weeks
Its just been a lot. And I've been on overload. The good news is, the car is fixed and functioning, and the insurance paid for "most" of it... although i have yet to see the check from the tow... boo. Some of the other things that have been getting in the way of happy Martha are not things that I can particularly control, so I have been putting them into the "no time to deal with this" category for now.
Its a scary thing, the law. I mean, in my case, it was just really bad timing. Its not like I got pulled over because of my erratic driving.... I was already pulled over (he can't pull over any more!). But still, I was over the limit according to the law, and now I have to deal with the consequences.
So today (full circle now...), I went to Birsdboro, Pa for my arraignment. I thought I was going to poop my pants. I am not gong to go into every single detail, but the judge was actually super nice. We had a very nice conversation about drum corps because he knew someone from Buccaneers. He read me my rights, told me what would happen if I miss my next court date (holy shit btw... there were a lot of zero's behind that 5....), and how to apply for a public defender. He also told me that he does weddings there so if the man in my life wisens up... I should bring him there. To which I laughed. A lot.
On a serious note: its not out of the realm of possibility that could loose my license for a year, among a lot of other unfun things. Just think about what would happen to your life if you couldn't drive... yeah.
I got in my car, reviewed all the paperwork and all the worst case scenarios, which is enough to make a black person like me turn white, and then headed into Reading to the judicial building to apply for a public defender. This was a whole other escapade involving getting searched, filling out a mountain of paperwork followed by a "wow, you're so poor look at my disapproving face" face.
My next court date is in late July. Which, yes its daunting... its ALSO comforting because it gives me some time to get my life back in order. First order of business: getting a job. ANY JOB that will pay my rent/bills/gas up to Buccs and back.
The thing is, when all of this started happening, it all happened at once. It was literally, every 2-3 days another issue would arise, first getting arrested, then my car, then the break up, then missing class, then exams, then getting my grades back, then finances, then my friend getting arrested, then having a nervous breakdown, then hearing that my dad was still suffering from his brain thing, then hearing about my grandad, then loosing my job, then dealing with melodrama, then just when I thought the DUI thing was over... hearing about my arraignment... it just was non stop for about 4 weeks. I'm exhausted. Utterly exhausted.
But on one hand its definitely had me re-prioritize my life. Although my fear is now that things have "slowed down" (using that term loosely), I worry that I will actually start to emote and feel the weight of it all. When big things happen to me, I usually go into crisis management mode, and put all emotions aside until the biggest most pressing issues are being handled. I call it Calm In Crisis Barbie. But now since most of it has been handled... I dunno. The gravity of it all is sort of hitting me. I have no other option but to push on. But I am petrified.
Not to mention, I'm not a generally lonely person, but I've just been feeling to very... isolated. I think though, that if I can get through this whole ordeal, and not loose Bucs, or my apartment, I will be 100% certain that I can handle anything I need to on my own. It'd just be nice if I didn't have to all the time. I'm just searching for comfort.
I will say though that despite my overwhelming feeling of "ZOMGZ ALL OF THE THINGS ARE HAPPENING. ALL OF THE THINGS"... its been very wonderful to see how many people are there for me. Its why I'm writing this blog post. I had SO MANY texts, and phone calls and such over the past few weeks that answering them all individually would have taken me the remainder of the summer. And I am completely 100% undeserving of your kindness. I don't like using the word "blessed".... mostly because I live in the dark and twisty place, but... I guess... you guys make me feel lucky. Because, I do believe in a lot of ways... this is karma asking me to pay for all the times I drove under the influence, or hurt other people, or skated through school all those years... and now I'm making up for it a bit. Not that any one person deserves to be miserable and frustrated and... just... on overload... But you all... you're just incredible. I've been incredibly self absorbed, and a pain in the ass and mopey. I know this. But you have put up with me. Which helps a lot when I think about the people who aren't anymore.
I'm not saying I'm all better, and that there is light at the end of the tunnel, because there are a LOT of things that have to get sorted out before all of the past 2 months start to fade into the past for me, but what I am saying is that I'm thankful for you all. More than I can articulate lately.
There was this guy I knew once that told me that "stuff is just stuff... it'll go away." At the time it became schtick but in looking back on it, its true. In revisiting that idea we talked about how keeping focus is really the key and how doing one thing everything that works towards your goal, however small or big it is, will keep you from getting overwhelmed and instead make you motivated Just start small. Small goals.
So in the interest of keeping me honest, here are some small goals for me this week:
Waking up in the morning at the sameish time
4 job applications a day
keeping the dished out of the sink (FUCK ANTS)
keeping up with the exercise routine I've been slacking on
buzzing/practicing (w00t trumpet) 15-20 minutes a day
Small goals. Such simple, but perfect advice. <3
So thats it kids, thats the "juicy story". Morals?
Don't drink and drive.
Don't pee when you're "downtown".... just trust me.
don't take life to seriously, you'll never get out alive
BUT don't be afraid to put effort in to re-prioritize when needed
take the chance to love. just do it.
all families are batshit cray cray. its just what it is
The Reading Buccaneers are pretty fucking awesome. ONE!
Thats it homies,
go forth and be awesome,
~flave
P.S Also this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2H5uWRjFsGc
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