"I'm still in love
... but all I heard was nothing"
So I've been doing this blog thing a little more regularly; weekly on Thursdays. I think that I started doing it when I was searching for affirmation about some things I was going through. Every blogger says that they're doing it "for the people" and while yes of course thats true, I think that it all starts from a little point of vanity. I mean if you're publishing anything (art, music, words, movement, invention), you're telling "the people" that whatever it is you're sharing is worth being acknowledged. And with that comes a little some level of vanity.
There are bloggers out there that use flowery words because they sound nice, and THOSE ones kill me. I don't care if you're a an accomplished artist, or a celebrated scientist, don't talk down to me like you know words or emotions better than I do. We're all playing for the same team here, Tonto. And this goes along the lines of the overuse of words, too. People have buzz words that they continually use, especially in print. And facebook, and twitter, and blogs all make it so easy to point them out. There is a skit that Louis C.K does talking about how we as a people, have lost the art of language because we just say words to say them, and now they've lost meaning. Among these words are "amazing" (really, you were amazed?), "awesome" (was it REALLY full of awe?", "ridiculous" also makes the cut.
There is a time a place for the verbose writings of an emotional time, of course. In fact, how I've been feeling lately, I am definitely among the camp of "over describing" right now. But when EVERY, SINGLE, BLOG you have makes me feel exhausted just reading it? I dunno.... I think dramatic blogging is definitely an art form, and I'm not saying people are wrong to do it... I am just saying I'm going to stop reading eventually, cuz it all just sounds... over produced. Its like... when you see a movie with a simple plot and they put EVERY SINGLE BELL and WHISTLE into it, including a very wordy script... and then after, you find yourself saying...
never. again. Its too much. Take a break. Keep It Simple Stupid. (see. KISS? I like kissing.... and it took me three sentences into the 3rd paragraph this time to make a sexual joke. Better than most... teehee).
I think I also get exhausted reading those because I feel like... they're just so pretentious. And I hate that. Soap boxes are different than high horses, and if you own a horse, and its high... you better believe I'm gonna wanna kick it. Repeatedly. I've got nothing against horses, just something against your general demeanor that makes YOU think that being on one makes you "better" than me.
Anyway, back on the topic... writing. I find that depending on what emotional state I'm in, my style changes. And its all for effect, and trying to get your audience to identify. But currently, even given my melancholy (yes, I feel truly melancholy) state lately, I'm finding it hard to write about what I am thinking. And I want to write about it. I want people to at least understand why I've been so... not me. And I tend to battle my biggest demons on my own. SO here, it is... and I'll say it, and then I'm going to drop it, because I don't think that this is an entirely appropriate forum to discuss details... and now I'm going to stop stalling... no really... I am...
I'm a big dumb girl who is suffering from a "mild" case of heartbreak. I feel like in order to be honest with myself and all of you, I should go into detail about how it happened, how I feel, and then beat to death how much aching I'm currently feeling (through my entire body, all the time). But I am not going to. Its not because I'm hiding from it, or because I think the wrong people will read it... its cuz I'm really not ready. Beyond the basic framework, I haven't really talked to anyone about it... so, don't feel bad public blog stalkers. Its not YOU, its me ;)
I'm sure I'll touch on the idea of heartbreak, and how it looks different on everyone at some point... and then dedicate a thinly veiled attempt at explaining my thoughts on it, when clearly its how I am personally feeling at that moment, but today is not that day. Its important that you know, however, if you care... that its happening. So let me be cheeky and coy about it now, okay? Its just easier for me. So if you have noticed some downer posts on FB lately, and some very overt attempts at some affirmation... just be aware, that I'M aware that its happening. Everyone has rough times, and I just happen to be going through one right now...
But its me, and if nothing else, I am a survivor. So no matter how this story ends (if it is in fact the end...), I'm still me. I'll just be a little more... smarterer. And strongerer. And awesomerer. So lets detach from the sad sentiment for a moment, and go back to the boring stuff.
So other than that, whats new? Well I went to Bucs this past weekend. It felt weird. Not a bad weird, but weird all the same. In my downtime I relearned all of part 1 and 2 for 3rd trumpet... cuz... fuckyouthatswhy. It rained Friday night, so they called rehearsal... it rained like it rains on ho's (only with cold mean water, not money) ALL day Saturday, until it stopped. During ensemble. Spring preview was most excellent, and loud and fun, and impressive, just as it is every year. Sunday was all day visual block in the LUCENT TUNDRA. It was so cold, that I put on a ton of clothes and lied on the warmer pavement to stop myself from trying to slash my wrists with a broken plastic coke bottle. I HATE THE COLD.
Especially when I get sun burned anyway. What a sorry excuse for burnination on my head.
This week has been a lot of me just, trying to push through my mental state. Its almost easier to deal with than when my bi polar takes control. Because with this, I can rationalize it out and come to a conclusion. It may not be one I LIKE, but at least there is validity in it even when I don't agree with the "opposing" view point. :-/ When its my mind messing with my mind, its so much worse. Its like a ping pong battle going on up there; think Forrest Gump vs. That China Guy, and its just exhausting. This loss is at least something that my fI don't need a psychoanalyst to decode. I can tie up how I'm feeling in a nice little package. Its not NOT complicated, but its... a loss of a relationship. And with that comes its own set of issues no doubt, but at least I understand those. Fully. It just... (to pedestrian about it) hurts. And I just wish things were different, but they're not so...
Anyway, I moved completely out of my old space and into my new one. And by "completely" I mean everything I own is now on one of three couches in a different room than before. I've just been lacking energy so I haven't really, fully moved things to their rightful homes yet. I'll probably finish that up tonight. Today Helene and I took out ALL the crap underneath the deck and put it out for bulk trash. It was a lot of gross nonsense, and with my fear of slugs and worms, it was rather traumatic for me, but its done now. I also took an unexpected trip to the park with babygirl today for a few minutes. So I'm trying to stay busy. Maybe thats part of the reason that I've been putting off putting the basement together; so that when I NEED a project it'll be there... on my couch.
So, this post has been sort of all over the place, and rather boring and less insightful than usual. But I guess thats how I feel. I don't feel boring, but I don't feel particularly insightful or vibrant either. I'm just sorta... in planning mode I guess. I've been dragging my feet on some major life things (financially) that once I finally take care of will ease the stress a little. And I already have two sexy picture sessions on the books and an engagement session set up for the next month. Which has been fun to plan and has really pushed me to start at least, figuring out how this whole "picture taking thing" is gonna work in my life. OH, AND we're doing an over/under on when New Baby Groves is going to arrive...! My guess is May 25th.
So thats me. Nothing too big (that I wanna talk about) going on here. Getting the house settled, getting annoyed with verbose/unhelpful bloggers, dealing with lifes roller coaster and prepping for my first sessions with a camera. Wanna spice things up even more for me? Bring me Summer Ale. In cases. ;)
go forth and be awesome,
~marth
So I've been doing this blog thing a little more regularly; weekly on Thursdays. I think that I started doing it when I was searching for affirmation about some things I was going through. Every blogger says that they're doing it "for the people" and while yes of course thats true, I think that it all starts from a little point of vanity. I mean if you're publishing anything (art, music, words, movement, invention), you're telling "the people" that whatever it is you're sharing is worth being acknowledged. And with that comes a little some level of vanity.
There are bloggers out there that use flowery words because they sound nice, and THOSE ones kill me. I don't care if you're a an accomplished artist, or a celebrated scientist, don't talk down to me like you know words or emotions better than I do. We're all playing for the same team here, Tonto. And this goes along the lines of the overuse of words, too. People have buzz words that they continually use, especially in print. And facebook, and twitter, and blogs all make it so easy to point them out. There is a skit that Louis C.K does talking about how we as a people, have lost the art of language because we just say words to say them, and now they've lost meaning. Among these words are "amazing" (really, you were amazed?), "awesome" (was it REALLY full of awe?", "ridiculous" also makes the cut.
There is a time a place for the verbose writings of an emotional time, of course. In fact, how I've been feeling lately, I am definitely among the camp of "over describing" right now. But when EVERY, SINGLE, BLOG you have makes me feel exhausted just reading it? I dunno.... I think dramatic blogging is definitely an art form, and I'm not saying people are wrong to do it... I am just saying I'm going to stop reading eventually, cuz it all just sounds... over produced. Its like... when you see a movie with a simple plot and they put EVERY SINGLE BELL and WHISTLE into it, including a very wordy script... and then after, you find yourself saying...
never. again. Its too much. Take a break. Keep It Simple Stupid. (see. KISS? I like kissing.... and it took me three sentences into the 3rd paragraph this time to make a sexual joke. Better than most... teehee).
I think I also get exhausted reading those because I feel like... they're just so pretentious. And I hate that. Soap boxes are different than high horses, and if you own a horse, and its high... you better believe I'm gonna wanna kick it. Repeatedly. I've got nothing against horses, just something against your general demeanor that makes YOU think that being on one makes you "better" than me.
Anyway, back on the topic... writing. I find that depending on what emotional state I'm in, my style changes. And its all for effect, and trying to get your audience to identify. But currently, even given my melancholy (yes, I feel truly melancholy) state lately, I'm finding it hard to write about what I am thinking. And I want to write about it. I want people to at least understand why I've been so... not me. And I tend to battle my biggest demons on my own. SO here, it is... and I'll say it, and then I'm going to drop it, because I don't think that this is an entirely appropriate forum to discuss details... and now I'm going to stop stalling... no really... I am...
I'm a big dumb girl who is suffering from a "mild" case of heartbreak. I feel like in order to be honest with myself and all of you, I should go into detail about how it happened, how I feel, and then beat to death how much aching I'm currently feeling (through my entire body, all the time). But I am not going to. Its not because I'm hiding from it, or because I think the wrong people will read it... its cuz I'm really not ready. Beyond the basic framework, I haven't really talked to anyone about it... so, don't feel bad public blog stalkers. Its not YOU, its me ;)
I'm sure I'll touch on the idea of heartbreak, and how it looks different on everyone at some point... and then dedicate a thinly veiled attempt at explaining my thoughts on it, when clearly its how I am personally feeling at that moment, but today is not that day. Its important that you know, however, if you care... that its happening. So let me be cheeky and coy about it now, okay? Its just easier for me. So if you have noticed some downer posts on FB lately, and some very overt attempts at some affirmation... just be aware, that I'M aware that its happening. Everyone has rough times, and I just happen to be going through one right now...
But its me, and if nothing else, I am a survivor. So no matter how this story ends (if it is in fact the end...), I'm still me. I'll just be a little more... smarterer. And strongerer. And awesomerer. So lets detach from the sad sentiment for a moment, and go back to the boring stuff.
So other than that, whats new? Well I went to Bucs this past weekend. It felt weird. Not a bad weird, but weird all the same. In my downtime I relearned all of part 1 and 2 for 3rd trumpet... cuz... fuckyouthatswhy. It rained Friday night, so they called rehearsal... it rained like it rains on ho's (only with cold mean water, not money) ALL day Saturday, until it stopped. During ensemble. Spring preview was most excellent, and loud and fun, and impressive, just as it is every year. Sunday was all day visual block in the LUCENT TUNDRA. It was so cold, that I put on a ton of clothes and lied on the warmer pavement to stop myself from trying to slash my wrists with a broken plastic coke bottle. I HATE THE COLD.
Especially when I get sun burned anyway. What a sorry excuse for burnination on my head.
This week has been a lot of me just, trying to push through my mental state. Its almost easier to deal with than when my bi polar takes control. Because with this, I can rationalize it out and come to a conclusion. It may not be one I LIKE, but at least there is validity in it even when I don't agree with the "opposing" view point. :-/ When its my mind messing with my mind, its so much worse. Its like a ping pong battle going on up there; think Forrest Gump vs. That China Guy, and its just exhausting. This loss is at least something that my fI don't need a psychoanalyst to decode. I can tie up how I'm feeling in a nice little package. Its not NOT complicated, but its... a loss of a relationship. And with that comes its own set of issues no doubt, but at least I understand those. Fully. It just... (to pedestrian about it) hurts. And I just wish things were different, but they're not so...
Anyway, I moved completely out of my old space and into my new one. And by "completely" I mean everything I own is now on one of three couches in a different room than before. I've just been lacking energy so I haven't really, fully moved things to their rightful homes yet. I'll probably finish that up tonight. Today Helene and I took out ALL the crap underneath the deck and put it out for bulk trash. It was a lot of gross nonsense, and with my fear of slugs and worms, it was rather traumatic for me, but its done now. I also took an unexpected trip to the park with babygirl today for a few minutes. So I'm trying to stay busy. Maybe thats part of the reason that I've been putting off putting the basement together; so that when I NEED a project it'll be there... on my couch.
So, this post has been sort of all over the place, and rather boring and less insightful than usual. But I guess thats how I feel. I don't feel boring, but I don't feel particularly insightful or vibrant either. I'm just sorta... in planning mode I guess. I've been dragging my feet on some major life things (financially) that once I finally take care of will ease the stress a little. And I already have two sexy picture sessions on the books and an engagement session set up for the next month. Which has been fun to plan and has really pushed me to start at least, figuring out how this whole "picture taking thing" is gonna work in my life. OH, AND we're doing an over/under on when New Baby Groves is going to arrive...! My guess is May 25th.
So thats me. Nothing too big (that I wanna talk about) going on here. Getting the house settled, getting annoyed with verbose/unhelpful bloggers, dealing with lifes roller coaster and prepping for my first sessions with a camera. Wanna spice things up even more for me? Bring me Summer Ale. In cases. ;)
go forth and be awesome,
~marth
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