"Ch Ch Ch Changesss...
time may change me, but I can't trace time"
What a fucking bizarro year, amirite? And by "year" I mean the last 12 months. Not necessarily the numerical calendar year that we identify with NYE. I mean, if you know me, you know that its been... an interesting time. I don't need to go into details here cuz chances are if you reading this, you are all acutely aware of my life. I really held nothing back this summer when people asked, either.
Zero. Fucks. With my openness, I figured one of a few things:
1) if you asked, you wanted to know. God help you...
2) if I told my story, it might help others
3) if it made me feel better, that was good enough for me
4) I made humor my way of coping
5) I stopped caring who knew what, and just let my mouth fly open with all kindsa words. #nofilter
May tends to be a month of transition. I think thats mostly because, when we were all in grade school, classes were wrapping up, same with college, and in many cases that meant moving too. Which, sort of sets you up for your future leases and adventures to also begin and end during May. And even after I wasn't tied to anything physically or financially I still ended up moving on to something in the month of May. For instance... moving back to Maryland two years ago. And last year in May I had a bunch of ridiculous events all happen in the span of a week during May. This year is no different, although, it seems to be more positive this time (PRAISE THE SWEET HAYZOOS)!
Last week, the boys came over and put the new floors down in the basement. Its not completely finished; the closets still need to be done, and the hallway to the stairs as well. But as it is now, the floors look AMAZING. I painted down here last week, and I am mostly pleased with how it turned out. I am still contemplating painting more of the walls the darker color because it just looks so... college dorm room right now. Its just not warm, or homey. I painted things the way I did with hopes of shooting down here at some point, but I am just... Not settled in it yet... buuuut thus far, I'm enjoying being in the new space. Its also a major step to moving towards getting the house ready for new baby. Which, is essentially what this is all about.
Also, I'm getting in shape, drinking (beers) less, and trying to be more healthy. This is tough because midnight snacking is a big part of my DELICIOUS LIVELIHOOD. A cornucopia of carbohydrates is my favorite thing at night. I want them all in or around my mouth. But by not doing that as much, and drinking water... I can already see a difference. I've been slacking a bit on the actual lifting and working out because of all of the activities going on around the house, including but not limited to heavy lifting of furniture, so I feel that makes up for it sort of. But, even so, I just feel better. I've been sleeping better. So while I may not be where I wanna be yet... I'm certainly getting there.
So its May, and things are changing, and moving rapidly around me. I am not sure that I am doing much changing myself this time... which is okay. I do feel like I am holding myself back a little bit right now because of my finances. There is so much I want to do right now, and I just... am not able to for fear of draining my account too quickly. Taking the plunge is so scary.
Why is that? Why are we so scared of change? Whats the worst that could happen, really...?
I mean, in my case, the worst that could happen is that I spend too much on a camera, and then don't recoup the investment, and then I'm out almost a grand. So what? In the long run, its not that big of a deal. So, then I get a job aside from the nannying thing. Oh darn.
I think I just hate seeing my bank account depleted. ESPECIALLY when I am in as much "debt" as I already am. But really... come on? THATS my big fear? You're a r-tard, Flave. Stop standing in your own way. You're your biggest setback, so knock it off.
But what is that? how ridiculous is our fear of success as a human race... We all have it. Our need to hold ourselves back and not appreciate changes is so... self deprecating. Its safe, sure. The rooms in our heart and soul, and in our homes are colored with the things we love and cherish, sure. But sometimes, taking the step out the front door is just as fulfilling as the things you've already gained. And it doesn't take away from anything you already established, it just adds more color to your life. Why do we fear that so much?
Cuz we crave familiarity. Thats the simple answer. And we make excuses to stay in our little cocoon. And its not necessarily harmful, if you've totally satisfied with your life. But are you? Truly? Are you so content in your life that there is NOTHING you could/want to go for? If so, you're either blind, dumb, or lying to yourself (sorry to be harsh). I mean, I'm talking about something that could be life altering, but it doesn't HAVE to be. It could be as simple as a hair color change, or a new hobby, or painting your room... or doing anything additional to what you're already doing.
And the excuses we make for ourselves are so hilarious. Like "oh I can't dye my hair that color! What if it looks bad? That'd be so awful"... First of all, thats a first world problem if I've ever heard one... and secondly, repeat that back to yourself, or a rational friend... and I bet the motivated side of you or your friend will say to you; "well, if it looks bad... just dye it back..."
That problem has a solution, dimwit.
"Well, I can't go back to school because I don't have money!" Okay sure, thats a little more realistic of a "reason". But there is always a way... you just gotta figure it out. Loans, grants, take a class at a time, free seminars, start your own kickstarter campaign... is it ideal? No. No its not. But if you want something bad enough you'll find a way, and if you don't, you'll find an excuse.
I think we all just look for the ideal situation. For the chips to fall perfectly in place before we're ready to actually make a move. Because in our little fragile minds, we think "oh well, Its just not the right time."
okay, well, when will it be? Tomorrow? a year from now? and how are you setting yourself up for that? Chances are, you're not. So what difference is it if you take the plunge now, or a year from now, other than you just wasted a year being wishy washy, when you couldn't have been going for it...? Or at least tried and failed and have one fucking amazing story to make fun of yourself about later...
I mean of course there are legitimate excuses/reason that definitely make things a little less cut and dry. But I'd wager to say that 90% of us are really just... waiting for the "right time". Or the "right sign" (if you believe in that kind of thing). And this applies to relationships as well; "oh well I'll know when to leave... cuz this will happen". Or the in the wise words of Dane Cook "I can't leave him, Jill... because he as 40 of my Cd's in his trunk."...
really...? (who has cd's anymore anyway. . .)
Its like, everyone is waiting on the perfect scenario, or for things to get bad enough to move out of your current situation. Why not make positive changes and... I dunno... EVOLVE, when things aren't exactly perfect? Or conversely why not make positive decisions and... I dunno... move ON before things get so desperate that you have no choice. I guess in that instance, there is an element hope that it holds us stationary. But when you get to THAT point, usually hope is ALL thats left. Thats another topic for another day though. You gotta know when enough is enough.
Anyway,
I'm taking a rather light hearted approach because of where my mind is at the moment. And as I stated before there are serious situations that have shades of grey (50 of them, perhaps?), or REAL roadblocks that need to get knocked down before pressing forward. And I get that. I've been there.
But must of us aren't. Most of us push pause on things that we want to do because, our negative voice says "nah, you can't" or "nah, you shouldn't", or "nah, not now". Well why not now? What would it take to be like Nike and "just do it?"
Take a god damn leap. Its scary, I'm sure. I'm sure because I'm right there with you. Is money the issue? You can work with/around that. Location? I'm sure you can make it work. Family? well, its my opinion that if they don't love you for your dreams and your history (even if they are widely spread apart), then... fuck em. But I'm a bit jaded. Time? There are answers for that too. And chances are you have the answers too... you just don't believe in the answers. And again... that brings us back to the problem... YOU. YOU don't believe it. You are then making the choice and submitting to where you are.
Change can be scary. It makes you vulnerable to failure and ridicule, and in some cases ruin... but it also makes your more likely to succeed, and find adventure, and find things beyond what you have. And then you may incorporate all of those things into your life, and open up to so many happy things, that it makes the idea that you were ever afraid in the first place seem so silly. And if you fuck up? So? Lick your wounds, find out wtf happened, and do it again, differently.
I say this because... well, I do this a lot. Its taken me a little longer than usual to bounce back this time around, but I'm doing it. I catch a lot of flack for my decisions sometimes because... I do things sometimes, and go all in... and then if it falls apart I tend not to publicly whip myself. Do I wallow? Sure. Course. And I do THAT publicly sometimes, but I don't usually tell the world in detail all of my mistakes and how I regret that. And that gets interpreted as me having a cavalier attitude. I understand that. But in all honesty, it's not that I don't take responsibility for my actions, its just part of me trying to move on. And I'm an opportunist. So when I fall down epically... I tend to not really regret it. And I catch flak for that too. Which, is stupid because... what happened happened. And I choose to do certain things... it happened. Jump off it, okay? Don't you think that its better to try and work through it, rather than wish it never happened? Wishing isn't gonna get your rent paid, folks.
Ya know what will? Doing something about it. Stop holding yourself back from your inquisitive nature. Its ridiculous to think that we are the reason we are limiting ourselves.
I'm not sure what the answer is to push passed it, other than just do it. I think its really just about committing to it. Once you've stopped making excuses in your head, and you have resigned yourself to a decision and truly and honestly committed to a course of action... then there really isn't anything stopping you from success. Because you'll figure out that the fear no longer exists, and you become motivated to.. well... not to sound so self help-y... but you better yourself. And it all seems so silly you were ever worried in the first place.
Stop being scared. There's really no reason to be. Life has a funny way of sneaking up on you (hat tip Alanis) in good times and bad. So, you might as well see what you're capable of. Stop standing in your own way. If you just ALLOW yourself to have it, you can. You're totally deserving. Believe that.
Familiar is comfortable, and there is nothing wrong with staying where you are and continuing doing what you're doing if you're happy and content. But I think I speak for most people I know when I say that we're all searching, and wanting something we're a little afraid to go for. So take a moment in your mind, and instead of looking at your excuses as road blocks, rationalize with yourself, and find solutions. Write your "reasons" down, and find answers. Rather than hiding behind them, expose them, and I'm pretty sure that whatever it is that you wanna do, is probably way more attainable than you think.
Change happens whether you ask for it or not. So, you might as well NOT be a victim, and instead be an influence-r, a mover, a motivator, a celebrator, a creator...
Again. Allow yourself to have what you want. Even if that means letting go, moving forward, or just... expanding and pushing forward. You're totally deserving. Believe that.
So, I think I better go buy that camera now, eh?
go forth and be awesome,
~flave
What a fucking bizarro year, amirite? And by "year" I mean the last 12 months. Not necessarily the numerical calendar year that we identify with NYE. I mean, if you know me, you know that its been... an interesting time. I don't need to go into details here cuz chances are if you reading this, you are all acutely aware of my life. I really held nothing back this summer when people asked, either.
Zero. Fucks. With my openness, I figured one of a few things:
1) if you asked, you wanted to know. God help you...
2) if I told my story, it might help others
3) if it made me feel better, that was good enough for me
4) I made humor my way of coping
5) I stopped caring who knew what, and just let my mouth fly open with all kindsa words. #nofilter
May tends to be a month of transition. I think thats mostly because, when we were all in grade school, classes were wrapping up, same with college, and in many cases that meant moving too. Which, sort of sets you up for your future leases and adventures to also begin and end during May. And even after I wasn't tied to anything physically or financially I still ended up moving on to something in the month of May. For instance... moving back to Maryland two years ago. And last year in May I had a bunch of ridiculous events all happen in the span of a week during May. This year is no different, although, it seems to be more positive this time (PRAISE THE SWEET HAYZOOS)!
Last week, the boys came over and put the new floors down in the basement. Its not completely finished; the closets still need to be done, and the hallway to the stairs as well. But as it is now, the floors look AMAZING. I painted down here last week, and I am mostly pleased with how it turned out. I am still contemplating painting more of the walls the darker color because it just looks so... college dorm room right now. Its just not warm, or homey. I painted things the way I did with hopes of shooting down here at some point, but I am just... Not settled in it yet... buuuut thus far, I'm enjoying being in the new space. Its also a major step to moving towards getting the house ready for new baby. Which, is essentially what this is all about.
Also, I'm getting in shape, drinking (beers) less, and trying to be more healthy. This is tough because midnight snacking is a big part of my DELICIOUS LIVELIHOOD. A cornucopia of carbohydrates is my favorite thing at night. I want them all in or around my mouth. But by not doing that as much, and drinking water... I can already see a difference. I've been slacking a bit on the actual lifting and working out because of all of the activities going on around the house, including but not limited to heavy lifting of furniture, so I feel that makes up for it sort of. But, even so, I just feel better. I've been sleeping better. So while I may not be where I wanna be yet... I'm certainly getting there.
So its May, and things are changing, and moving rapidly around me. I am not sure that I am doing much changing myself this time... which is okay. I do feel like I am holding myself back a little bit right now because of my finances. There is so much I want to do right now, and I just... am not able to for fear of draining my account too quickly. Taking the plunge is so scary.
Why is that? Why are we so scared of change? Whats the worst that could happen, really...?
I mean, in my case, the worst that could happen is that I spend too much on a camera, and then don't recoup the investment, and then I'm out almost a grand. So what? In the long run, its not that big of a deal. So, then I get a job aside from the nannying thing. Oh darn.
I think I just hate seeing my bank account depleted. ESPECIALLY when I am in as much "debt" as I already am. But really... come on? THATS my big fear? You're a r-tard, Flave. Stop standing in your own way. You're your biggest setback, so knock it off.
But what is that? how ridiculous is our fear of success as a human race... We all have it. Our need to hold ourselves back and not appreciate changes is so... self deprecating. Its safe, sure. The rooms in our heart and soul, and in our homes are colored with the things we love and cherish, sure. But sometimes, taking the step out the front door is just as fulfilling as the things you've already gained. And it doesn't take away from anything you already established, it just adds more color to your life. Why do we fear that so much?
Cuz we crave familiarity. Thats the simple answer. And we make excuses to stay in our little cocoon. And its not necessarily harmful, if you've totally satisfied with your life. But are you? Truly? Are you so content in your life that there is NOTHING you could/want to go for? If so, you're either blind, dumb, or lying to yourself (sorry to be harsh). I mean, I'm talking about something that could be life altering, but it doesn't HAVE to be. It could be as simple as a hair color change, or a new hobby, or painting your room... or doing anything additional to what you're already doing.
And the excuses we make for ourselves are so hilarious. Like "oh I can't dye my hair that color! What if it looks bad? That'd be so awful"... First of all, thats a first world problem if I've ever heard one... and secondly, repeat that back to yourself, or a rational friend... and I bet the motivated side of you or your friend will say to you; "well, if it looks bad... just dye it back..."
That problem has a solution, dimwit.
"Well, I can't go back to school because I don't have money!" Okay sure, thats a little more realistic of a "reason". But there is always a way... you just gotta figure it out. Loans, grants, take a class at a time, free seminars, start your own kickstarter campaign... is it ideal? No. No its not. But if you want something bad enough you'll find a way, and if you don't, you'll find an excuse.
I think we all just look for the ideal situation. For the chips to fall perfectly in place before we're ready to actually make a move. Because in our little fragile minds, we think "oh well, Its just not the right time."
okay, well, when will it be? Tomorrow? a year from now? and how are you setting yourself up for that? Chances are, you're not. So what difference is it if you take the plunge now, or a year from now, other than you just wasted a year being wishy washy, when you couldn't have been going for it...? Or at least tried and failed and have one fucking amazing story to make fun of yourself about later...
I mean of course there are legitimate excuses/reason that definitely make things a little less cut and dry. But I'd wager to say that 90% of us are really just... waiting for the "right time". Or the "right sign" (if you believe in that kind of thing). And this applies to relationships as well; "oh well I'll know when to leave... cuz this will happen". Or the in the wise words of Dane Cook "I can't leave him, Jill... because he as 40 of my Cd's in his trunk."...
really...? (who has cd's anymore anyway. . .)
Its like, everyone is waiting on the perfect scenario, or for things to get bad enough to move out of your current situation. Why not make positive changes and... I dunno... EVOLVE, when things aren't exactly perfect? Or conversely why not make positive decisions and... I dunno... move ON before things get so desperate that you have no choice. I guess in that instance, there is an element hope that it holds us stationary. But when you get to THAT point, usually hope is ALL thats left. Thats another topic for another day though. You gotta know when enough is enough.
Anyway,
I'm taking a rather light hearted approach because of where my mind is at the moment. And as I stated before there are serious situations that have shades of grey (50 of them, perhaps?), or REAL roadblocks that need to get knocked down before pressing forward. And I get that. I've been there.
But must of us aren't. Most of us push pause on things that we want to do because, our negative voice says "nah, you can't" or "nah, you shouldn't", or "nah, not now". Well why not now? What would it take to be like Nike and "just do it?"
Take a god damn leap. Its scary, I'm sure. I'm sure because I'm right there with you. Is money the issue? You can work with/around that. Location? I'm sure you can make it work. Family? well, its my opinion that if they don't love you for your dreams and your history (even if they are widely spread apart), then... fuck em. But I'm a bit jaded. Time? There are answers for that too. And chances are you have the answers too... you just don't believe in the answers. And again... that brings us back to the problem... YOU. YOU don't believe it. You are then making the choice and submitting to where you are.
Change can be scary. It makes you vulnerable to failure and ridicule, and in some cases ruin... but it also makes your more likely to succeed, and find adventure, and find things beyond what you have. And then you may incorporate all of those things into your life, and open up to so many happy things, that it makes the idea that you were ever afraid in the first place seem so silly. And if you fuck up? So? Lick your wounds, find out wtf happened, and do it again, differently.
I say this because... well, I do this a lot. Its taken me a little longer than usual to bounce back this time around, but I'm doing it. I catch a lot of flack for my decisions sometimes because... I do things sometimes, and go all in... and then if it falls apart I tend not to publicly whip myself. Do I wallow? Sure. Course. And I do THAT publicly sometimes, but I don't usually tell the world in detail all of my mistakes and how I regret that. And that gets interpreted as me having a cavalier attitude. I understand that. But in all honesty, it's not that I don't take responsibility for my actions, its just part of me trying to move on. And I'm an opportunist. So when I fall down epically... I tend to not really regret it. And I catch flak for that too. Which, is stupid because... what happened happened. And I choose to do certain things... it happened. Jump off it, okay? Don't you think that its better to try and work through it, rather than wish it never happened? Wishing isn't gonna get your rent paid, folks.
Ya know what will? Doing something about it. Stop holding yourself back from your inquisitive nature. Its ridiculous to think that we are the reason we are limiting ourselves.
I'm not sure what the answer is to push passed it, other than just do it. I think its really just about committing to it. Once you've stopped making excuses in your head, and you have resigned yourself to a decision and truly and honestly committed to a course of action... then there really isn't anything stopping you from success. Because you'll figure out that the fear no longer exists, and you become motivated to.. well... not to sound so self help-y... but you better yourself. And it all seems so silly you were ever worried in the first place.
Stop being scared. There's really no reason to be. Life has a funny way of sneaking up on you (hat tip Alanis) in good times and bad. So, you might as well see what you're capable of. Stop standing in your own way. If you just ALLOW yourself to have it, you can. You're totally deserving. Believe that.
Familiar is comfortable, and there is nothing wrong with staying where you are and continuing doing what you're doing if you're happy and content. But I think I speak for most people I know when I say that we're all searching, and wanting something we're a little afraid to go for. So take a moment in your mind, and instead of looking at your excuses as road blocks, rationalize with yourself, and find solutions. Write your "reasons" down, and find answers. Rather than hiding behind them, expose them, and I'm pretty sure that whatever it is that you wanna do, is probably way more attainable than you think.
Change happens whether you ask for it or not. So, you might as well NOT be a victim, and instead be an influence-r, a mover, a motivator, a celebrator, a creator...
Again. Allow yourself to have what you want. Even if that means letting go, moving forward, or just... expanding and pushing forward. You're totally deserving. Believe that.
So, I think I better go buy that camera now, eh?
go forth and be awesome,
~flave
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