Oh sometimes.. I get a good feeling, yeah

its a feeling that I never, never, never, never had before.

Well, I have had a pretty epicly craptastic few weeks. I've been sort of pretending otherwise, but as a whole I've been about two seconds away from throwing in the the "give a fuck" towel. Granted, its mostly my doing, so I don't have really anyone to blame, which makes it worse. The idea that I did this to myself  is paralyzing sometimes.

I have had to keep telling myself,  "this isn't going to be forever, flave. This... this crazy time of uncertainty... its jut a phase. It has to be. Because living like this, is just too exhausting to maintain."

I'm sure, since you're reading this... you're wondering what exactly has been going on with me. Well guess what, sex kittens...so am I! It seems that I've been living on a rollercoaster. Even day to day I've been having these mind-blowing life altering changes that just cause everything to shift. I'm speaking in blanket statements here, and I'm sorry. I should be more specific... although I'm not entirely sure how to do that without making everything worse or more confusing. Admittedly, I don't mind some drama, it keeps things interesting, and I am the kind of person that needs a little intrigue in my life to keep me interested in things. But lately, its just been... too much. Its been a lot of me taking beatings for things unnecessarily OR having to distance myself from people (read: person) that I... well... don't want to distance myself from.

But thats all the emotional stuff. Thats the stuff that I still need to keep hidden because it involves my most prized possession, my heart (gheeeeey). But believe me, when I feel like I can accurately convey whats going on there, I will definitely help you guys understand whats going on in my "love life". But since I am not ready/willing to be that open and honest quite yet, I will move on.

So anyway, yeah... its been a treacherous few years. It hasn't all been bad. But it definitely hasn't been easy. I feel like the only thing thats been constant in my life is change; and a lot of it was out of my control. Not playing the victim here, as I definitely had my role in each and every life event... but still. And the past few months, with moving, and being pushed and pulled in a lot of different directions emotionally and physically... I've literally been hiding out and avoiding things that normally make me happy. I guess its sort of been a depression. I've been putting on a semi-brave face with all of it, but... I'm not brave. I've been a coward... hiding in my Flave Cave hoping that someone else will make a decision for me, or something will happen to me so that I can justify coming out of my apartment to face the day... something other than football/beer (and truthfully I probably drink about half as much as I did a few months ago). I haven't been taking initiative, I've been living in my own head, running through possible scenarios but never really committing to anything. It all goes back to what I was saying a few weeks ago about "responsibility" and wanting more of it. I just didn't know how to take the next step.

So I looked at my bank account and said "oh look, there's dollars and stuff in there!", and decided, that it was time to invest in myself for once. Without anyone else asking me to, or pushing me to. Because all my life, people (especially parents... you all know what thats about, you have those parents too) have a tendency to "know whats best"... and I'm just not the kind of person who does things because someone else tells them to. I have to come to my own conclusions (as if I had to explain that to you, have you met me in the past year... or... ever?).

For the past two weeks I've been battling tooth and nail, with Carroll Community College. I had some "lost" years there where I was a student, but not really, and therefore I accumulated some real fun letters on my transcript. That being said, I've had to meet with Academic Advising three times (and one more tomorrow), meet with four different deans, write an appeal letter, and meet with the board and THEN hope that the classes I have to take are open.

Today I read my horoscope and it told me it was going to be a bad day. It told me that I was going to have countless obstacles that would definitely have me feeling low... which did not have me optimistic about this situation at all, considering that CLASSES STARTED TODAY.

Well, after a bajillioning  emails, and clearly WAY to many meetings with people... MY HOROSCOPE WAS WRONG! Not only did I register today, but all the classes I need are open! Which means tomorrow morning, I can sign all the final paperwork and get the last two classes I need, at which point I will be officially done with this process and moving on to actually being a college student, rather than just talking about being one!

So, thats my big news. And its huge. If you know anything about me and my scholastic history, you'd know that I almost always take the easy route (what, I'm not easy...!). And with all of the crap and hoops I had to jump though its pretty much a miracle that I went through with all of it.  Which taught me something about myself, I'm more ready for this than I thought.

I know that this is just a precursor to the rest of the semester, and that I am by no means out of the woods yet. But I am just so excited about the possibility of something great coming from this (which seems to be the theme of my life lately... excited about the possibility) that I can't contain myself. Like, there's been a constant stream of pee leaving my body from happiness (if peeing your pants is cool consider me Miles Davis)!

(also.. I'M SO EXCITED. I'M SO excited... I'm so... scared!)    (please tell me you understood that reference... seriously)

Now, for those of you familiar with Carroll Community...  I know that they've been making all kinds of additions and shit but I had NO FUCKING IDEA that there was another entire building, with an indoor bridge, and another cafeteria.  I literally got lost going to the "K" building. Is that even possible? is this real life?

I just walked around the (i guess i have to call it a) campus in a euphoric haze because for the first time in a long time, I did something because I wanted to; not out of necessity, or because I was being pushed there. But because I wanted to. It felt really affirming.

I know this doesn't mean much to you. I know you probably read my facebook status's and now are thinking "this dumb crazy lady got me all hyped for something not juicy AT AL"L. Well if you think that fuck you in your neck, cuz I'm awesome. And this is awesome. This is a huge step for me. HUGE (thats what he heard). Its the biggest commitment I've made to anything since I moved home. Its a time commitment, its a commitment to stay in one place, its a commitment financially, its a commitment to a routine, its... a big deal. Its a big big big ginormous deal.

What I like about it the most is that it gives me goals and to do lists, which if I learned anything about working with the studio, those are some things I need. I also like that its something I came to on my own. AND its something that gives me some flexibility. Because if there is anything else I learned from working with the studio, is that I always need to make sure that I have some eb and flow to my life (aka not being 100% attached to it 100% of the time).

Its a good fit for me. And it will give me somewhere else to put my energy than... the other stuff. That I can't talk about. Yet. Hey, stop getting pout-y about not knowing my private life yet. NOSY. So don't be mad. Be glad. or... eat a pizza... or something. Food makes people less angry. You know what else will make you less angry? Knowing that I'm going back to school. And I'm going to finally have something to work for, thats mine. And that I made the decision to do this, for me. THAT should make you happy. Because it makes me happy.

Anyway, I'm over the moon about this situation.

Thusly, I bought myself some BBQ pizza, a case of yuengling and I'm going to have a little PJ dance party tonight. Nice visual, eh? Yeah. Sexypotomus right here.

go forth and be awesome (and be happy for me)
~flave