All I can do is...
... keep breathing.
Hello Angel Faces! Happy Thursday!
You're looking particularly awesome, has anyone told you that today? well you are!
Its been a long time since I've posted, although it hasn't felt that way to me. I've been writing a lot for my own personal gain and "drafting" lately... both of which have helped me get through some... "interesting" times. I've had a rough go of it lately and I'm sure I will go into detail about that hot mess of a situation later, but I'm not ready quite yet. Patience is a virtue, people!
But I did want to post. I've wanted to post a lot, actually. I wanted to write about my Birthday, and about Thanksgiving, and about the Buccaneer banquet and rehearsals, and then Christmas (although admittedly, I pretty much skipped it this year), my money woes, my parental situations, my love life and of course New Years. But through all that, I was torn about what I wanted the focus to be within the blogs, so I never posted any of it. As scattered as I've been lately, I didn't want you to have to meander through the dark forest that is my brain...cuz its scary there. There are gremlins, and tree monsters, and... well, thats not what a blog is supposed to be. Its not supposed to be just random nonsense of thoughts that have no real continuity... or is it? Ya know what? Fuck it. Its my blog, it can be what it wants! Its the motherfucking honey badger!
I thought about writing the obligatory, but always well received, cookie cutter new years post, buuuut no. Not much about me is cookie cutter, so why start with a forced blog about my hopes and dreams, and about what I'm thankful for? Not that I don't have those things... I do. I have many. Most of my life is filled with awesome. But, I felt, that this is always the time of year where people put on their positive pants, and their optimistic undergarments, and a shiny shirt and try to convince everyone how they're going to better themselves. There's nothing wrong with this notion, especially if it gets them through the day. And MOST especially when it gets people to look at themselves from another angle to proceed to the next steps in their life... but I didn't want to to add to the never ending list of blogs by the fake Cindy Lou-Whos that gets over-looked because everyone else is doing it... I am a unique snowflake. And I WILL NOT BE IGNORED, DAN (reference anyone?!?)!!
Plus, it means a lot more to be thankful during the non forced holiday season. So when I do start making a list of all of the things I like about my life, you'll know its not because of the sugar cookie induced euphoria that only exists globally for about a week, but that its because I'm honestly excited about whats going on with me.
So, now that I've made my bullshit case about neglecting this thing, its time to start discussing whats really important. ME. No, just kidding. I'm not that conceited (but lets face it, you are reading this, so you must have some interest in this vague manifesto). For the record, I have NO idea where this blog is going to go.
Lately I've been sort of struggling with this notion of responsibility. There was a time when I used that word, and immediately thought of the world "adult". It was as if they were synonymous. They are, in fact... NOT the same. If you're reading this, this isn't news to you, so I am not going into too much detail about why they aren't... but they aren't. And I think thats mostly because... responsibility is something you give to yourself, its a choice, but being an adult isn't really something you have a choice in. I'm not talking about the connotation of being an adult. We've all seen the movie Step Brothers, and I think we can all admit that Brennen (Will Ferrell) is anything but "adult". But he is in fact, a grown man. A grown man who had not chosen (until the fucking catalina wine mixer) to have responsibility in his life. Wow, holy tangent, batman! (boats and hoes, man... boats and hoes...)
Anyway, I've been accused of not taking responsibility of my actions in my life. I've been told that I try and side step my part in a situation and... not necessarily put it on someone else, but also not totally owning up to something. Now, really, if we're really going to be honest here, I could say that about pretty much everyone I know. We, as a generation and society, are avoiders. We avoid things (whole other blog topic, noted).
But also, its important to note, that if someone is telling you that you aren't "taking responsibility" or "owning up to your actions", keep in mind that, they aren't you. And while you may be putting on a brave face, and seeming cavalier in a situation, its probably (most definitely) not because you aren't accepting it. In most cases, its because we're trying to avoid the pain of regret and/or don't want the person pointing the finger to know all the emotional red tape you're cutting through, so instead you're just trying to take the next steps.
That also goes the other way too, if you're accusing someone of not "man-ing up" (haha Peyton Manning is broken...), keep in mind that you probably aren't seeing the whole story. And just because someone doesn't deal with something the same way that you do or they way you want them to, doesn't make them wrong. And also, "those who smelt it, dealt it". Yes, I'm using fart logic, but really, how true is that? Not only are we a society of avoiders, we also LOVE to play the blame game. We tend to be the first point out someone elses flaws, before our own, when they are usually one in the same. And thats okay. It really is. There's nothing wrong with calling someone out for hurting you, or being a dickface pisshat. Just as there's nothing wrong with the person being called a dickface pisshat, to not wallow in it, and instead try to do something else with their time.
And also, ever thing is situational. Everything. While Crazy McBitch might be nothing but a megalomaniac who egged your car, she's also a really good person support system to someone else. Whats that saying...??? Ones mans trash is another mans treasure? Sort of a bad description here... But essentially, who someone is to you, doesn't necessarily mean thats who they are. And that goes both ways as well.
Most of my dirty laundry has been aired out over the past few months, and some laundry that wasn't mine to air out, has been hung and is now blowing in the wind. And some laundry that people assigned to me that wasn't mine (at all), has also been out in the open. I've already addressed the latter a few months ago (ya know the one about me giving beer to minors to they'd sleep with me while I was an insane asylum and then got pregnant... its good times. rumor mills are adorable. jut like puppies, and kittens... and hitler). Other than that, in most of these cases, I have been one of the responsible parties for having it become public, in one way or another. Which, isn't always easy. Especially when the outcome is less than desirable. But, I don't want to get into the juicy details of that because a lot of it is still unfolding, and... its just none of your beezwax. If I ever decide that you're cool enough to know about all of my private life, feel incredibly special. Recently, its become a pretty elite crowd of pretty special people that get to hear about that stuff. We wear special party hats and everything.
There are also a few things that I did years ago *ahem* college *ahem*, that I am still paying for, and not in the financial sense. Which, isn't a total bad thing, but it has left me in limbo. This summer, was no different, except the situation that put me back below the mason dixon line was pretty unique. At any rate, I spent most of my time reconnecting and adjusting to my life in Westminster. BIG adjustment. One that initially I wasn't to thrilled about, but it was a means to an end. Then I spent the fall getting acquainted with my new apartment and living with new housemates, and lots of football, and... working through some fun and interesting life events. And then the holidays have came and went and the shiny tinsel disappeared from the house, and the house has re-cooped from the NYE bash.... etc etc
And now, its January. And while I'm definitely in the middle of some really sad and heart breaking situations, and I definitely have my heart set on some things that aren't in my control right now; I am also in a place to start giving myself some life responsibility again, outside of myself. I've taken the last few months to reevaluate, and rediscover and renew, but now its time to start diving into something else as well. I'm still going to continue to do what I'm doing now, but its time to start adding on things that require a little more from me than what I've been doing lately.
Responsibility.
Taking care of things that need to get taken care of. Your car, your house, your food, your dog, your kids, your taxes, your bills, your appetite, your friends, your job, your work load, your laundry, your life, your significant other, your fantasies, your fantasy league, yourself.
Taking responsibility for yourself not only means doing all of the above, but also doing things that make you feel good. That make you feel worthy. That make you feel you. And, really thats ever changing.
So in the interest of not being so vague, I'll tell you whats on my mind and how I plan on doing this. I'm frakking BORED. I've been living inside my head a lot lately. I'm not entirely sure thats going to change. My brain is a melting pot of many many emotions right now, and I'm not sure how its all going to work out just yet. But there are some things that I can do to push forward rather than stall out where I am. And where I am is FRAKKING BORED.
So, I'm going to take the next few days and pamper myself, finally commit on a new laptop, cut my hair, clean the house, watch bad tv, watch the Ravens win against the Texans. I'm also going to find my school paper work that I had to put on hold because of my financial situation, and go and get it done, submit it, and sign up for a few classes for the spring. That being said, the job search is also back on. Whats been going on with me on the inside has been... tough, and not easy, and also wonderful and renewing... so I'm going to take that energy both positive and negative and put it towards something good. Something affirming. Something needing more responsibility than what I've been doing. Something that makes me feel good. Something that makes me feel worthy. Something that makes me feel me. Even though its ever-changing.
And I reserve the right to change my mind and my path. But for now? thats what I'm going to do. I don't need a pat on a the back, or a "attaguy" or anything. I'm just sort of reflecting on the kind of person I know I am, and the kind of person I want to be. Someone, lately told me that they were proud of me. And it was the first time in a long time someone had said that unsolicited. And this person, means the absolute world to me. And I suppose hearing that, even while I was at a low point, was truly inspiring. The idea that someone who I respect and care for, would see the good that I've been neglecting, really helped shape the idea that I want to feel more... vibrant again. I want to have and take responsibility for whats going on around me, and in a positive way. I am inspired.
So, thats where my head is at on this very early morning. Responsibility. And not in the "taking the trash out" kind of way... but more in the "hey, I like pie, so I'm going to make some pie, so I can have more pie" kind of way (and seriously, who doesn't love pie?!?)!
cool story, bro!
go forth and be awesome,
~flave
Hello Angel Faces! Happy Thursday!
You're looking particularly awesome, has anyone told you that today? well you are!
Its been a long time since I've posted, although it hasn't felt that way to me. I've been writing a lot for my own personal gain and "drafting" lately... both of which have helped me get through some... "interesting" times. I've had a rough go of it lately and I'm sure I will go into detail about that hot mess of a situation later, but I'm not ready quite yet. Patience is a virtue, people!
But I did want to post. I've wanted to post a lot, actually. I wanted to write about my Birthday, and about Thanksgiving, and about the Buccaneer banquet and rehearsals, and then Christmas (although admittedly, I pretty much skipped it this year), my money woes, my parental situations, my love life and of course New Years. But through all that, I was torn about what I wanted the focus to be within the blogs, so I never posted any of it. As scattered as I've been lately, I didn't want you to have to meander through the dark forest that is my brain...cuz its scary there. There are gremlins, and tree monsters, and... well, thats not what a blog is supposed to be. Its not supposed to be just random nonsense of thoughts that have no real continuity... or is it? Ya know what? Fuck it. Its my blog, it can be what it wants! Its the motherfucking honey badger!
I thought about writing the obligatory, but always well received, cookie cutter new years post, buuuut no. Not much about me is cookie cutter, so why start with a forced blog about my hopes and dreams, and about what I'm thankful for? Not that I don't have those things... I do. I have many. Most of my life is filled with awesome. But, I felt, that this is always the time of year where people put on their positive pants, and their optimistic undergarments, and a shiny shirt and try to convince everyone how they're going to better themselves. There's nothing wrong with this notion, especially if it gets them through the day. And MOST especially when it gets people to look at themselves from another angle to proceed to the next steps in their life... but I didn't want to to add to the never ending list of blogs by the fake Cindy Lou-Whos that gets over-looked because everyone else is doing it... I am a unique snowflake. And I WILL NOT BE IGNORED, DAN (reference anyone?!?)!!
Plus, it means a lot more to be thankful during the non forced holiday season. So when I do start making a list of all of the things I like about my life, you'll know its not because of the sugar cookie induced euphoria that only exists globally for about a week, but that its because I'm honestly excited about whats going on with me.
So, now that I've made my bullshit case about neglecting this thing, its time to start discussing whats really important. ME. No, just kidding. I'm not that conceited (but lets face it, you are reading this, so you must have some interest in this vague manifesto). For the record, I have NO idea where this blog is going to go.
Lately I've been sort of struggling with this notion of responsibility. There was a time when I used that word, and immediately thought of the world "adult". It was as if they were synonymous. They are, in fact... NOT the same. If you're reading this, this isn't news to you, so I am not going into too much detail about why they aren't... but they aren't. And I think thats mostly because... responsibility is something you give to yourself, its a choice, but being an adult isn't really something you have a choice in. I'm not talking about the connotation of being an adult. We've all seen the movie Step Brothers, and I think we can all admit that Brennen (Will Ferrell) is anything but "adult". But he is in fact, a grown man. A grown man who had not chosen (until the fucking catalina wine mixer) to have responsibility in his life. Wow, holy tangent, batman! (boats and hoes, man... boats and hoes...)
Anyway, I've been accused of not taking responsibility of my actions in my life. I've been told that I try and side step my part in a situation and... not necessarily put it on someone else, but also not totally owning up to something. Now, really, if we're really going to be honest here, I could say that about pretty much everyone I know. We, as a generation and society, are avoiders. We avoid things (whole other blog topic, noted).
But also, its important to note, that if someone is telling you that you aren't "taking responsibility" or "owning up to your actions", keep in mind that, they aren't you. And while you may be putting on a brave face, and seeming cavalier in a situation, its probably (most definitely) not because you aren't accepting it. In most cases, its because we're trying to avoid the pain of regret and/or don't want the person pointing the finger to know all the emotional red tape you're cutting through, so instead you're just trying to take the next steps.
That also goes the other way too, if you're accusing someone of not "man-ing up" (haha Peyton Manning is broken...), keep in mind that you probably aren't seeing the whole story. And just because someone doesn't deal with something the same way that you do or they way you want them to, doesn't make them wrong. And also, "those who smelt it, dealt it". Yes, I'm using fart logic, but really, how true is that? Not only are we a society of avoiders, we also LOVE to play the blame game. We tend to be the first point out someone elses flaws, before our own, when they are usually one in the same. And thats okay. It really is. There's nothing wrong with calling someone out for hurting you, or being a dickface pisshat. Just as there's nothing wrong with the person being called a dickface pisshat, to not wallow in it, and instead try to do something else with their time.
And also, ever thing is situational. Everything. While Crazy McBitch might be nothing but a megalomaniac who egged your car, she's also a really good person support system to someone else. Whats that saying...??? Ones mans trash is another mans treasure? Sort of a bad description here... But essentially, who someone is to you, doesn't necessarily mean thats who they are. And that goes both ways as well.
Most of my dirty laundry has been aired out over the past few months, and some laundry that wasn't mine to air out, has been hung and is now blowing in the wind. And some laundry that people assigned to me that wasn't mine (at all), has also been out in the open. I've already addressed the latter a few months ago (ya know the one about me giving beer to minors to they'd sleep with me while I was an insane asylum and then got pregnant... its good times. rumor mills are adorable. jut like puppies, and kittens... and hitler). Other than that, in most of these cases, I have been one of the responsible parties for having it become public, in one way or another. Which, isn't always easy. Especially when the outcome is less than desirable. But, I don't want to get into the juicy details of that because a lot of it is still unfolding, and... its just none of your beezwax. If I ever decide that you're cool enough to know about all of my private life, feel incredibly special. Recently, its become a pretty elite crowd of pretty special people that get to hear about that stuff. We wear special party hats and everything.
There are also a few things that I did years ago *ahem* college *ahem*, that I am still paying for, and not in the financial sense. Which, isn't a total bad thing, but it has left me in limbo. This summer, was no different, except the situation that put me back below the mason dixon line was pretty unique. At any rate, I spent most of my time reconnecting and adjusting to my life in Westminster. BIG adjustment. One that initially I wasn't to thrilled about, but it was a means to an end. Then I spent the fall getting acquainted with my new apartment and living with new housemates, and lots of football, and... working through some fun and interesting life events. And then the holidays have came and went and the shiny tinsel disappeared from the house, and the house has re-cooped from the NYE bash.... etc etc
And now, its January. And while I'm definitely in the middle of some really sad and heart breaking situations, and I definitely have my heart set on some things that aren't in my control right now; I am also in a place to start giving myself some life responsibility again, outside of myself. I've taken the last few months to reevaluate, and rediscover and renew, but now its time to start diving into something else as well. I'm still going to continue to do what I'm doing now, but its time to start adding on things that require a little more from me than what I've been doing lately.
Responsibility.
Taking care of things that need to get taken care of. Your car, your house, your food, your dog, your kids, your taxes, your bills, your appetite, your friends, your job, your work load, your laundry, your life, your significant other, your fantasies, your fantasy league, yourself.
Taking responsibility for yourself not only means doing all of the above, but also doing things that make you feel good. That make you feel worthy. That make you feel you. And, really thats ever changing.
So in the interest of not being so vague, I'll tell you whats on my mind and how I plan on doing this. I'm frakking BORED. I've been living inside my head a lot lately. I'm not entirely sure thats going to change. My brain is a melting pot of many many emotions right now, and I'm not sure how its all going to work out just yet. But there are some things that I can do to push forward rather than stall out where I am. And where I am is FRAKKING BORED.
So, I'm going to take the next few days and pamper myself, finally commit on a new laptop, cut my hair, clean the house, watch bad tv, watch the Ravens win against the Texans. I'm also going to find my school paper work that I had to put on hold because of my financial situation, and go and get it done, submit it, and sign up for a few classes for the spring. That being said, the job search is also back on. Whats been going on with me on the inside has been... tough, and not easy, and also wonderful and renewing... so I'm going to take that energy both positive and negative and put it towards something good. Something affirming. Something needing more responsibility than what I've been doing. Something that makes me feel good. Something that makes me feel worthy. Something that makes me feel me. Even though its ever-changing.
And I reserve the right to change my mind and my path. But for now? thats what I'm going to do. I don't need a pat on a the back, or a "attaguy" or anything. I'm just sort of reflecting on the kind of person I know I am, and the kind of person I want to be. Someone, lately told me that they were proud of me. And it was the first time in a long time someone had said that unsolicited. And this person, means the absolute world to me. And I suppose hearing that, even while I was at a low point, was truly inspiring. The idea that someone who I respect and care for, would see the good that I've been neglecting, really helped shape the idea that I want to feel more... vibrant again. I want to have and take responsibility for whats going on around me, and in a positive way. I am inspired.
So, thats where my head is at on this very early morning. Responsibility. And not in the "taking the trash out" kind of way... but more in the "hey, I like pie, so I'm going to make some pie, so I can have more pie" kind of way (and seriously, who doesn't love pie?!?)!
cool story, bro!
go forth and be awesome,
~flave
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