"So can we decide to try a little joy tomorrow
'Cos baby tonight I'll follow."
I love finding sweetass music through Grey's Anatomy. Don't judge me, I'll end you.
Hey girl heeeeyyyy...
I wanted to write a two sided story today, but I couldn't find a topic that I felt could be amusing enough that I wanted to write about today. Hopefully that will change soon. So anyway, I have no idea where this post is going to travel to, expect it to wind around a lot, or maybe not.
(READ: After writing this, I realized that this is pretty revealing... sort of. Please understand that this is merely my thought process and trying to project your own personal interpretation of what you think I'm trying to say, is your right... but also, is just that... your own personal interpretation. Remember, you ain't me, son! Half the time I'm just babbling anyway...)
I've been feeling compelled to write during the most inopportune times. Like when I'm driving, or in the shower, or at a bar... so I bought a note book that travels with me so that when I want to remember something, I have a way to remember it. This, didn't work out so well when I took the notebook into the shower with me. Shower beers? great idea. Shower notes? not so much.... it got soapy, and wet, and became just a pile of soggy brain food that will never be baked to its full potential. (no, dick angel, I didn't really do that...)
Sort of a metaphor for my life I suppose. And going with that metaphor, I am about to buy another notebook to replace the old one. I might buy a similar one in terms of style and color and size, I might even purchase it at the same establishment I did previously. I might even try to salvage some of the damaged pages, so that I can rewrite them in a newer, cleaner book.
Okay, enough with the metaphor, but in all seriousness. I'm at a crossroads right now. Lets be honest, I've been at once since May... but I've been sort of living in limbo all summer practically drooling all over myself and needing to relearn how to tie my shoes. Okay, so maybe it wasn't THAT bad, but in a lot of ways, I felt like I was in the infant stages of my adulthood again. Read that sentence again. Infant... stages... of... my... adulthood...
Slightly oxymoronic really, But sometimes life happens, and you have to re-evaluate who you are, and get back to basics. Sometimes when that happens, you relearn how to tie your shoes but in a different way, or you realize the way you did it the first time was how you were meant to, or you just say "fuck shoes". But either way, when that reset button presents yourself, and you're reeling from the fallout, its not unlikely that you'll revisit some of the old standby's. My guess is, this is so you have a chance to decide once again whether what you've been doing, and how you've been doing it is, in fact, what you want/whats right. Most of the time when this happens, people take a little of the old, and a little of the new and make a combo platter of both (a poo poo platter?).
I'm talking in the general sense, here. But this holds true to me too. My life is a series of the ridiculous, the preposterous and the unbelievable, meshed with the boring, the mundane and the neutral. It really just depends on the day. Lately its been more of the latter... which, is new for me entirely. Well, okay, let me rephrase that... my life as a whole, has been pretty vanilla, which is new. There are a handful of days though in the last few months that were very... "colorful". But yes, as a whole, I took the road less traveled for me which was... simply put? Do nothing (with exceptions of course...).
I moved home, and then moved again. Had some uncomfortable confrontations, as well as some pleasant interactions. But really? aside from that, I've been in limbo. I'm not sure if "wallowing" is the right word I'm looking for here, because, well, to an extent I was mourning something/some things... but honestly, I think I was also just exhausted. I'd been feeling that way for a while, but couldn't really pinpoint why. No, thats a lie. I knew why... but putting a feeling into words, is a really tough feat.
I liked my life... no... LOVED my life. I liked my job, and the people I was hanging out with, I liked where I was living, most of the time. I liked a lot of things I can't really explain here (words escape me), I liked my social life, I liked... prettttty much everything I had going on. But I had this aching. Because even though my personal relationships were off the charts ah-mazing, I...wasn't going anywhere. I didn't feel like my life was really moving. My relationships were moving upwards, but me? and my goals? some were, and some weren't. It wasn't enough. And I was reaching a breaking point. And thats totally on me.
I was so wrapped up in ideas that, I never followed through with them. I stopped being a do-er. Seems a little backwards, because life was moving so fast. Like ridiculously fast, between Bucs, and work, and my friends and moving, and remodeling, the movies, the parties, the holidays and looking at schools in PA... all that stuff... but... I felt like I was in slow motion. I know people will take that statement/resolution and make it make sense to them, and it probably won't mean what I'm trying to say... but thats fine. Cuz thats the best I can explain it.
I have to be clear, this is not a result of the people I was hanging out with. Everyone I hung out with in PA, from the Buccaneers to the normals... were fantastic, and supportive, and kind. And they all were pushing me in ways I was ecstatic about. And I am forever grateful and thankful... and every other positive word that ends with "ful". This also wasn't a reflection of my job, or anything like that either. This was all me, swimming in my own head. I boxed myself in a little. This whole feeling of "ache" came from the inside. I think that I was so hopeful about so much, that I got lost in it the sauce a little, maybe... got stuck in a routine rather than move into a new routine. It was like I was really comfortable with my brain's stagnant stench, until I wasn't. And truthfully, I started coming out of that a little at the beginning of the year. Which was great... I started taking ownership of things, and I was excited about it. But at the time, it was so... well... partly cloudy. The sun was there, just... not as often as it should have been.
Going back to the moving home thing...
So while I didn't have a regimented schedule during this time (except for drum corps weekends), it was busy, and full and I had constant life around me. Annnnnd then I moved home, where everything around me was relatively stationary... but I was still functioning on "martha's PA brain". Martha's PA brain, as I stated earlier, may not have been moving as fast as my life was there, but it was at warp speed compared to life in Westminster. It was like I was trying to climb up a really fast moving escalator that had no end in sight, and then all of the sudden while I was still running up, it just STOPPED moving, and thusly, I noticed the ground was no longer moving. But I noticed this much too late and I fell down on my face, and slid... err... bumped and rolled all the way back down the broken escalator, hitting every jagged stair on the way down... all cartoon style. Think Wiley Coyote.
So then, there I was, at the bottom of the now STAIRS, just looking up at it going "what the shit...?". I walked around the broken escalator, to see if there was a way to figure out why it stopped, or how to get it movng again, but then I realized... those fucking stairs suck! Because, god damnit they malfunctioned and I'm on crutches with one of those "Don't lick your balls" dog cones around my neck. So I just sat... and stared.
That was my summer. Me, doing nothing but sitting and staring, and thinking, going on late night wal mart trips, discovering new beers and old friends... and not doing anything particularly productive. At all. And I was cool with my hippie summer until about 2 weeks ago. I needed the break. I was good with sleeping, and hanging out and re-evaluating, and considering my next moves and such... but then it hit me. Like I said before... the escalator is "broken"... but...
A few little (but also massive) things have happened in the past 2 weeks that have shown me that all is not lost, and that I actually am... doing much better than I was. And sometimes doing something old in a new way, is just the answer you're looking for.
I love finding sweetass music through Grey's Anatomy. Don't judge me, I'll end you.
Hey girl heeeeyyyy...
I wanted to write a two sided story today, but I couldn't find a topic that I felt could be amusing enough that I wanted to write about today. Hopefully that will change soon. So anyway, I have no idea where this post is going to travel to, expect it to wind around a lot, or maybe not.
(READ: After writing this, I realized that this is pretty revealing... sort of. Please understand that this is merely my thought process and trying to project your own personal interpretation of what you think I'm trying to say, is your right... but also, is just that... your own personal interpretation. Remember, you ain't me, son! Half the time I'm just babbling anyway...)
I've been feeling compelled to write during the most inopportune times. Like when I'm driving, or in the shower, or at a bar... so I bought a note book that travels with me so that when I want to remember something, I have a way to remember it. This, didn't work out so well when I took the notebook into the shower with me. Shower beers? great idea. Shower notes? not so much.... it got soapy, and wet, and became just a pile of soggy brain food that will never be baked to its full potential. (no, dick angel, I didn't really do that...)
Sort of a metaphor for my life I suppose. And going with that metaphor, I am about to buy another notebook to replace the old one. I might buy a similar one in terms of style and color and size, I might even purchase it at the same establishment I did previously. I might even try to salvage some of the damaged pages, so that I can rewrite them in a newer, cleaner book.
Okay, enough with the metaphor, but in all seriousness. I'm at a crossroads right now. Lets be honest, I've been at once since May... but I've been sort of living in limbo all summer practically drooling all over myself and needing to relearn how to tie my shoes. Okay, so maybe it wasn't THAT bad, but in a lot of ways, I felt like I was in the infant stages of my adulthood again. Read that sentence again. Infant... stages... of... my... adulthood...
Slightly oxymoronic really, But sometimes life happens, and you have to re-evaluate who you are, and get back to basics. Sometimes when that happens, you relearn how to tie your shoes but in a different way, or you realize the way you did it the first time was how you were meant to, or you just say "fuck shoes". But either way, when that reset button presents yourself, and you're reeling from the fallout, its not unlikely that you'll revisit some of the old standby's. My guess is, this is so you have a chance to decide once again whether what you've been doing, and how you've been doing it is, in fact, what you want/whats right. Most of the time when this happens, people take a little of the old, and a little of the new and make a combo platter of both (a poo poo platter?).
I'm talking in the general sense, here. But this holds true to me too. My life is a series of the ridiculous, the preposterous and the unbelievable, meshed with the boring, the mundane and the neutral. It really just depends on the day. Lately its been more of the latter... which, is new for me entirely. Well, okay, let me rephrase that... my life as a whole, has been pretty vanilla, which is new. There are a handful of days though in the last few months that were very... "colorful". But yes, as a whole, I took the road less traveled for me which was... simply put? Do nothing (with exceptions of course...).
I moved home, and then moved again. Had some uncomfortable confrontations, as well as some pleasant interactions. But really? aside from that, I've been in limbo. I'm not sure if "wallowing" is the right word I'm looking for here, because, well, to an extent I was mourning something/some things... but honestly, I think I was also just exhausted. I'd been feeling that way for a while, but couldn't really pinpoint why. No, thats a lie. I knew why... but putting a feeling into words, is a really tough feat.
I liked my life... no... LOVED my life. I liked my job, and the people I was hanging out with, I liked where I was living, most of the time. I liked a lot of things I can't really explain here (words escape me), I liked my social life, I liked... prettttty much everything I had going on. But I had this aching. Because even though my personal relationships were off the charts ah-mazing, I...wasn't going anywhere. I didn't feel like my life was really moving. My relationships were moving upwards, but me? and my goals? some were, and some weren't. It wasn't enough. And I was reaching a breaking point. And thats totally on me.
I was so wrapped up in ideas that, I never followed through with them. I stopped being a do-er. Seems a little backwards, because life was moving so fast. Like ridiculously fast, between Bucs, and work, and my friends and moving, and remodeling, the movies, the parties, the holidays and looking at schools in PA... all that stuff... but... I felt like I was in slow motion. I know people will take that statement/resolution and make it make sense to them, and it probably won't mean what I'm trying to say... but thats fine. Cuz thats the best I can explain it.
I have to be clear, this is not a result of the people I was hanging out with. Everyone I hung out with in PA, from the Buccaneers to the normals... were fantastic, and supportive, and kind. And they all were pushing me in ways I was ecstatic about. And I am forever grateful and thankful... and every other positive word that ends with "ful". This also wasn't a reflection of my job, or anything like that either. This was all me, swimming in my own head. I boxed myself in a little. This whole feeling of "ache" came from the inside. I think that I was so hopeful about so much, that I got lost in it the sauce a little, maybe... got stuck in a routine rather than move into a new routine. It was like I was really comfortable with my brain's stagnant stench, until I wasn't. And truthfully, I started coming out of that a little at the beginning of the year. Which was great... I started taking ownership of things, and I was excited about it. But at the time, it was so... well... partly cloudy. The sun was there, just... not as often as it should have been.
Going back to the moving home thing...
So while I didn't have a regimented schedule during this time (except for drum corps weekends), it was busy, and full and I had constant life around me. Annnnnd then I moved home, where everything around me was relatively stationary... but I was still functioning on "martha's PA brain". Martha's PA brain, as I stated earlier, may not have been moving as fast as my life was there, but it was at warp speed compared to life in Westminster. It was like I was trying to climb up a really fast moving escalator that had no end in sight, and then all of the sudden while I was still running up, it just STOPPED moving, and thusly, I noticed the ground was no longer moving. But I noticed this much too late and I fell down on my face, and slid... err... bumped and rolled all the way back down the broken escalator, hitting every jagged stair on the way down... all cartoon style. Think Wiley Coyote.
So then, there I was, at the bottom of the now STAIRS, just looking up at it going "what the shit...?". I walked around the broken escalator, to see if there was a way to figure out why it stopped, or how to get it movng again, but then I realized... those fucking stairs suck! Because, god damnit they malfunctioned and I'm on crutches with one of those "Don't lick your balls" dog cones around my neck. So I just sat... and stared.
That was my summer. Me, doing nothing but sitting and staring, and thinking, going on late night wal mart trips, discovering new beers and old friends... and not doing anything particularly productive. At all. And I was cool with my hippie summer until about 2 weeks ago. I needed the break. I was good with sleeping, and hanging out and re-evaluating, and considering my next moves and such... but then it hit me. Like I said before... the escalator is "broken"... but...
“An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You would never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.” -- mitch hedburg.
Oh. well shit! I can climb stairs! I should do that. Cuz... uhh.... well... sitting here at the bottom was cool for a hot minute, but.... i'm bored now.
So thats where I am. Looking for my next escalator. I'm not opposed to trying an old escalator again, given the right circumstances... like school, or moving back to PA, or going into childcare again, or event planning or whatever. I'd jump at the chance to go do something with a little of column A and a little of column B. Given the right mix of vibes and opportunity, I'm wiling to give anything a shot.
But its hard to make those decisions. To say that I'm living in my head a lot would be an understatement. I mean, I over simplified with the escalator metaphor a lot... and there's a lot of emotion involved because I tend to be passionate about my life, and I like to be passionate about the people and things I do within my life. And I just... am lacking that right now. I've been fortunate enough to have so many opportunities given to me, and I've taken advantage of most of them, and I'm proud of them. But right now, I'm finding myself meeting more brick walls than open doors. And its tough. I feel like I could use a little nudge in the "right" direction right about now.
I've been feeling very bipolar about my next steps too. And a lot of that is because I am deathly afraid of commitment right now. I'm scared to make the wrong choice, and missing an opportunity. But I have to keep reminding myself, what I am constantly reminding others of... not every choice has to be the "forever" choice. I've got a couple of event planning firms I'd like to send letters of intent to... but its a totally new thing. And I'm a little "old" to be starting a new career like that at ground level, but the other side of that is, well... what else am I doing? I have no real commitments right now, and really, I have a chance to do whatever I want. Like really, this is a time I should be relishing in... I mean I could feasibly do ANYTHING right now. I think that scares me. There is just so much out there, and thats exciting... but also... I just want something to really hit me. I need a bat signal for my next life choice. I need it so its all like "HEY FLAVE... COME HERE. THIS IS WHERE YOU'RE NEEDED. THIS IS WHERE YOU WANT TO BE! Oh, and hey, you can battle Penguin and the Joker while you're at it!".
Unrealistic expectation. I know this. Bat signals are totally expensive, and a total drain on the fuse box. A girl can dream though...
But the clock is ticking, and while my hippie summer was exactly what I needed, its time to add it to the "things I already did" list, and start moving towards something a little more productive and life enhancing. I learned a lot about my talents while working with the studio and I'm hoping that I'm able to put them and much more to good use, because I thoroughly enjoyed doing those kind of things. I'm hopeful about that. There is so much about that whole thing that I miss terribly. Thats a whole other blogpost though.
I just hate this limbo period (it hurts my back!). And I think the fact that I hate it as much as I do right now is a sign that no matter what path I choose to take, it will most likely be better than to not do anything at all. Which is also something I preach. So perhaps I should start taking my own advice. I'm coming out of the fog a little bit. Clearly I don't have it figured out yet, and these musings are just that... musings.
So thats where I am. Still looking for answers, as always. Still looking for something to take my breath away, as always. Still curious, as always. Still me, as always. Just a little more able to assign words to what I'm going through on a personal/professional level. My head isn't screaming AS loud as it had been. Oh, its still raging, and screaming, and intoxicated, and confused, and thrilled and all that... its just that the decibel level is probably at half. I'm not longer at 11, so to speak. More like... a 6. I'm working very hard to see the big picture, and trying to fung shui things a little.
Lesson? fuck the escalator... I'm looking for a swank glass elevator to the penthouse!
Don't be an L 7 weeeeenie... tell someone that you love them and miss them today. It can make your week. It certainly made mine.
xoxo
~m
p.s... my hair is a blue-ish grayish brownish combination that makes my hair look like smurf vomit. Its not attractive. But I don't really care all that much because it reminds me of Bucs. And thats my happy place. even if I look like smurf vomit. Thats love.
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