I meant what I said, I said what I meant... an elephants faithful 100%.
My life is anything but boring. I'm a victim, I'm a villian. I'm the savior and the one who needs saved. I'm loud, and I'm quiet. I'm malicious, I'm kind. I'm cynical and full of hope. I'm selfish, and selfless. I'm naive, yet intelligent. I'm confused, and clear.
While I am any one particular thing, on any one particular day, in any one particular story... I stand by the things that I do, and say. Because when I say them, and do them... they mean something to me. Doesn't mean that I won't change my mind, or that I may feel differently in hindsight... but I believe them to be right and true when the choices are being made.
This doesn't mean that I act on emotion alone. I don't. I rarely act in anger, or sadness. I rarely take action because of those emotions. I don't usually act in lust, or in hurt, or in mal intent. When I feel those things, I usually retreat. I act on passion, and/or heart, with a much more altruistic tone. And, even those words might be a little too strong. I'd say... I act out of belief. What the belief is... well, it changes.
People come down hard on me for the joke of "I'm Martha fucking Helt, and I do what I want". But they aren't taking that for what it is. Its not a "hey look at me being a rebel" or "you can't control me" kind of statement, although it can be read that way I suppose. Its more of a "this is who I am" statement, with a LOT of humor behind it. And if you really want to be honest, doesn't everyone do what they want? You do the things you do, because you believe them to be, on some level, the right thing. You're always presented with choices, and they may not my choices you LIKE, but you choose the one that you'd rather make over another. I'm over simplifying, but you get my drift I think..
So why do people come down on me all the time for "doing what I want"? Its not that I go around aimlessly all the time just kicking ass and taking names (thats only wednesdays...). Its not like I ONLY do things I like doing. Granted, I procrastinate like everyone else, but I don't just go around acting on passion all of the time. So why do people come down on me for it? I think its because people look at it as being arrogant, or something along those lines. And also, it sort of seems like it might be an excuse not to take responsibility. Its not. In fact, in many ways it assumes a LOT of responsibility. But I guess it also comes off like I'm giving a giant "fuck you" too. And thats just not it. I think if people would realize that everyone "does what they want" to some extent, it would ease the stigma a little of someone like me, who... well lets be honest, has a tendency to be a bit of a rolling stone. I'd be less scary. Or less of a bad thing. But it is definitely not a statement of rebellion. It definitely isn't.
In addition, its a fucking joke people. Clearly... If I always did what I wanted, things would be VERY different.
I do live for me, most of the time. And in some ways that makes me seem selfish. But its not that black and white either. In the year I lived in PA, I put a lot of myself into things because it was the right thing to do. Going above and beyond the call of duty with corps, and my then career, because I cared about the people it involved. And I be damned if I was going to drop the ball with those things just because I was feeling lazy or didn't want to. There are a lot of things I don't act on because I don't want to hurt the people around me. Or I want to set up the people around me for success, despite the other stuff.
But also, I do live for me, because for a long time now... its really been just me. I'm not sure how to exist any other way. I learned a little about it this past year because, well... I wasn't just living for me. I got a glimpse of what it was like to really be truly invested, and really be involved intrinsically with the people around me. It was the first time I felt that in a long long time. Its a scary thing too, cuz once you take that plunge, its really hard to go back. Well, at least... it has been for me.
*deep breath* Moving on...
I definitely get my ass kicked a lot more than most though, because I tend to take more emotional risks. I tend to do go with what feels right, rather than whats "supposed" to be. Its been my belief that eventually, that my twisted road will take me to a place that far surpasses anything awesome that I can already imagine. But in the meantime, it definitely has me "in between" a lot.
I guess you could say that I'm looking for a little more stability than I've had. Me wanting stability is probably coming from two places: 1- I am getting "older" (using the term loosely) and 2- I am just exhausted. Its been a really ridiculous few months (read: year) for me, and I'd really love to... be more financially/career stable, and not be moving around so much. I don't want to "settle" or "slow down" so much as, have a clear direction. I've been re-centering a lot lately since I moved back to MD... not sure what it all means yet, but its a start.
And really, I'm pretty confident in myself. Don't mistake that for me not feeling like I mess up sometimes, I definitely do. But, at least I don't take my life for granted. And I definitely am not afraid to take the leap. I've found in my very limited time on Earth that the only thing constant is change and I'm learning to be okay with that, and not veer away from it. Essentially though, I do follow a strong belief, that even with all of the "i do what i wants" and the "leap of faiths" that I will be okay. Even if I'm not right now, I know that I will be. And I guess, to me... that is the strongest leap of faith there is.
"I live on Earth at present, and I don't know what I am. I know that I am not a category. I am not a thing — a noun. I seem to be a verb, an evolutionary process — an integral function of the universe." --Richard Buckminster Fuller
While I am any one particular thing, on any one particular day, in any one particular story... I stand by the things that I do, and say. Because when I say them, and do them... they mean something to me. Doesn't mean that I won't change my mind, or that I may feel differently in hindsight... but I believe them to be right and true when the choices are being made.
This doesn't mean that I act on emotion alone. I don't. I rarely act in anger, or sadness. I rarely take action because of those emotions. I don't usually act in lust, or in hurt, or in mal intent. When I feel those things, I usually retreat. I act on passion, and/or heart, with a much more altruistic tone. And, even those words might be a little too strong. I'd say... I act out of belief. What the belief is... well, it changes.
People come down hard on me for the joke of "I'm Martha fucking Helt, and I do what I want". But they aren't taking that for what it is. Its not a "hey look at me being a rebel" or "you can't control me" kind of statement, although it can be read that way I suppose. Its more of a "this is who I am" statement, with a LOT of humor behind it. And if you really want to be honest, doesn't everyone do what they want? You do the things you do, because you believe them to be, on some level, the right thing. You're always presented with choices, and they may not my choices you LIKE, but you choose the one that you'd rather make over another. I'm over simplifying, but you get my drift I think..
So why do people come down on me all the time for "doing what I want"? Its not that I go around aimlessly all the time just kicking ass and taking names (thats only wednesdays...). Its not like I ONLY do things I like doing. Granted, I procrastinate like everyone else, but I don't just go around acting on passion all of the time. So why do people come down on me for it? I think its because people look at it as being arrogant, or something along those lines. And also, it sort of seems like it might be an excuse not to take responsibility. Its not. In fact, in many ways it assumes a LOT of responsibility. But I guess it also comes off like I'm giving a giant "fuck you" too. And thats just not it. I think if people would realize that everyone "does what they want" to some extent, it would ease the stigma a little of someone like me, who... well lets be honest, has a tendency to be a bit of a rolling stone. I'd be less scary. Or less of a bad thing. But it is definitely not a statement of rebellion. It definitely isn't.
In addition, its a fucking joke people. Clearly... If I always did what I wanted, things would be VERY different.
I do live for me, most of the time. And in some ways that makes me seem selfish. But its not that black and white either. In the year I lived in PA, I put a lot of myself into things because it was the right thing to do. Going above and beyond the call of duty with corps, and my then career, because I cared about the people it involved. And I be damned if I was going to drop the ball with those things just because I was feeling lazy or didn't want to. There are a lot of things I don't act on because I don't want to hurt the people around me. Or I want to set up the people around me for success, despite the other stuff.
But also, I do live for me, because for a long time now... its really been just me. I'm not sure how to exist any other way. I learned a little about it this past year because, well... I wasn't just living for me. I got a glimpse of what it was like to really be truly invested, and really be involved intrinsically with the people around me. It was the first time I felt that in a long long time. Its a scary thing too, cuz once you take that plunge, its really hard to go back. Well, at least... it has been for me.
*deep breath* Moving on...
I definitely get my ass kicked a lot more than most though, because I tend to take more emotional risks. I tend to do go with what feels right, rather than whats "supposed" to be. Its been my belief that eventually, that my twisted road will take me to a place that far surpasses anything awesome that I can already imagine. But in the meantime, it definitely has me "in between" a lot.
I guess you could say that I'm looking for a little more stability than I've had. Me wanting stability is probably coming from two places: 1- I am getting "older" (using the term loosely) and 2- I am just exhausted. Its been a really ridiculous few months (read: year) for me, and I'd really love to... be more financially/career stable, and not be moving around so much. I don't want to "settle" or "slow down" so much as, have a clear direction. I've been re-centering a lot lately since I moved back to MD... not sure what it all means yet, but its a start.
And really, I'm pretty confident in myself. Don't mistake that for me not feeling like I mess up sometimes, I definitely do. But, at least I don't take my life for granted. And I definitely am not afraid to take the leap. I've found in my very limited time on Earth that the only thing constant is change and I'm learning to be okay with that, and not veer away from it. Essentially though, I do follow a strong belief, that even with all of the "i do what i wants" and the "leap of faiths" that I will be okay. Even if I'm not right now, I know that I will be. And I guess, to me... that is the strongest leap of faith there is.
"I live on Earth at present, and I don't know what I am. I know that I am not a category. I am not a thing — a noun. I seem to be a verb, an evolutionary process — an integral function of the universe." --Richard Buckminster Fuller
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