a great time to say thank you, and I love you.
I have a post in the works talking about some issue's I've been having with peoples perceptions of me... but, it seemed a bit selfish to post it in a time lie this, as such... I am writing this post instead.
Today reminded me of why I am such a 'follow your heart' kind of person. Today, I was told that a member of the Reading Buccaneer family passed away. She passed away during childbirth. I was not one of her closer friends, in fact I haven't spoken to her in years, although facebook has made it pretty easy to check up on her from time to time. This news... it has really stunned me. She was 25.
But it reminded me of why I am so apt to chase after things that mean something to me, even if no one else understands. It reminded me of why I never regret falling for the "wrong" guy, or being loyal to my friends, or moving so much. Because you never know when you won't have the opportunity to be there for them again, you never know that the last kiss will really be the last, and you never know when you won't be able to take advantage of the next opportunity.
I'm not a true bohemian... the whole Moulin Rouge philosophy is a bit idealistic: Truth, Beauty, Freedom and Love. Truth can hurt, and there are times when the truth is better left unsaid. But thats a rare exception. I think there is beauty in everything, even when its ugly. Freedom is both under and over valued, depending on what the freedom is. And I don't think that love is the cure for everything, although without it, it does make life tougher. So, I guess, in some way I do live by these values. I live pretty honestly within myself. Most of the time.
I think a lot of that lies in hope. And hoping that something that you feel so strongly about will eventually come to fruition. And you'll never know, unless you take the chance, and it give it the opportunity to grow. But you can also take chances by letting things go too... it works on both ends. And sometimes, it takes more strength to "go" than to "stay". And knowing when its just... heartbreakingly over.
I think a lot of times people think that living that way gets you chasing temporary highs. Because many times when people live life that way, it has them making a lot of bad decisions that don't last. But it also creates an environment that allows them to find... probably the most pure of relationships, and the most honest of connections, and the most fulfilling of careers/life. Fear doesn't control these people, hope does.
I don't consider myself a true bohemian, because really, fear is something I deal with on a daily basis. Fear of failing, fear of settling, fear of loss, fear of getting charged too much for netflix (d'oh!), fear of love, fear of lack of it...etc etc. But, I do definitely take a lot of emotional chances, because to me, its worth it. Its worth it to know. The not knowing is worse. The hope that what you feel is "right" or the hope that what you believe is "right" sometimes, is a driving force. And a very positive one, in my eyes.
So today, when I learned of Lisa's passing, so many things went swimming through my head. I've been living in my head a lot these days. But the idea of religion and deity's and the like... well, when death presents itself, you find yourself asking the tough questions. I'm not a religious person. But I do consider myself spiritual. And when it comes to horrible tragedies like this, I have to believe there is some reason why. Because otherwise, when things like this happen, it can be so crippling. But then... really... what good reason could there be to take away someone from their newborn? from their family? from the lives of those who love them? Its hard to see the silver lining in that.
Lisa was loved. She was talented. And intelligent. She was an expecting mother and wife. For many of my friends, just even mentioning that she was a Buccaneer would be enough to explain the kind of person she is. Or.. was, rather. Well no... is. Because to me... she is still wonderful. And to those who love her and are close to her, she will always be wonderful.
But what if it DID all end tomorrow? What if the Rapture HAD happened? What if your best friend, you spent every day with for some the happiest times in your life... just... was gone? Would you have told them you loved them enough? Would you have felt you really lived? At what point do the material things stop mattering, and the substance of your heart and emotions start mattering? At what point do you realize your "safe" relationship isn't giving you what you deserve? At what point do you figure out your job isn't where your heart is? I mean, I know these questions are incredibly cliche... I get that. But really... what if? Will you be able to say you lived your life out loud? Really?
I don't know. I think for the most part, I'd be proud of what I've done, and who I've chose to surround myself with, and who I've fallen for, and such. I mean, I have made my share of awful decisions... but, all of them have been consistent and true to who I was at the time. I believed in every single mistake I made, if that makes sense. I found myself asking these same sort of questions and having these same kind of conversations after Geoff passed away. I don't mean to stand on this soapbox and preach. Its not my intention. I just... I ache. And its... staggering.
I guess I don't really have a message here. And I don't really know how else to close this post. I guess I'm thankful for the time I've had so far to fuck up, and to make good. I'm thankful for all the times I've moved so that I could try something new, and I am thankful for all the people that have been brought into my life, and I am thankful for all the times I've fallen in love. I'm thankful for you people reading this. Not because you are reading this, but because I know you.
I guess what I'm saying is, today is a great day to say, thank you... and I love you.
yours in blue,
~mflave
Today reminded me of why I am such a 'follow your heart' kind of person. Today, I was told that a member of the Reading Buccaneer family passed away. She passed away during childbirth. I was not one of her closer friends, in fact I haven't spoken to her in years, although facebook has made it pretty easy to check up on her from time to time. This news... it has really stunned me. She was 25.
But it reminded me of why I am so apt to chase after things that mean something to me, even if no one else understands. It reminded me of why I never regret falling for the "wrong" guy, or being loyal to my friends, or moving so much. Because you never know when you won't have the opportunity to be there for them again, you never know that the last kiss will really be the last, and you never know when you won't be able to take advantage of the next opportunity.
I'm not a true bohemian... the whole Moulin Rouge philosophy is a bit idealistic: Truth, Beauty, Freedom and Love. Truth can hurt, and there are times when the truth is better left unsaid. But thats a rare exception. I think there is beauty in everything, even when its ugly. Freedom is both under and over valued, depending on what the freedom is. And I don't think that love is the cure for everything, although without it, it does make life tougher. So, I guess, in some way I do live by these values. I live pretty honestly within myself. Most of the time.
I think a lot of that lies in hope. And hoping that something that you feel so strongly about will eventually come to fruition. And you'll never know, unless you take the chance, and it give it the opportunity to grow. But you can also take chances by letting things go too... it works on both ends. And sometimes, it takes more strength to "go" than to "stay". And knowing when its just... heartbreakingly over.
I think a lot of times people think that living that way gets you chasing temporary highs. Because many times when people live life that way, it has them making a lot of bad decisions that don't last. But it also creates an environment that allows them to find... probably the most pure of relationships, and the most honest of connections, and the most fulfilling of careers/life. Fear doesn't control these people, hope does.
I don't consider myself a true bohemian, because really, fear is something I deal with on a daily basis. Fear of failing, fear of settling, fear of loss, fear of getting charged too much for netflix (d'oh!), fear of love, fear of lack of it...etc etc. But, I do definitely take a lot of emotional chances, because to me, its worth it. Its worth it to know. The not knowing is worse. The hope that what you feel is "right" or the hope that what you believe is "right" sometimes, is a driving force. And a very positive one, in my eyes.
So today, when I learned of Lisa's passing, so many things went swimming through my head. I've been living in my head a lot these days. But the idea of religion and deity's and the like... well, when death presents itself, you find yourself asking the tough questions. I'm not a religious person. But I do consider myself spiritual. And when it comes to horrible tragedies like this, I have to believe there is some reason why. Because otherwise, when things like this happen, it can be so crippling. But then... really... what good reason could there be to take away someone from their newborn? from their family? from the lives of those who love them? Its hard to see the silver lining in that.
Lisa was loved. She was talented. And intelligent. She was an expecting mother and wife. For many of my friends, just even mentioning that she was a Buccaneer would be enough to explain the kind of person she is. Or.. was, rather. Well no... is. Because to me... she is still wonderful. And to those who love her and are close to her, she will always be wonderful.
But what if it DID all end tomorrow? What if the Rapture HAD happened? What if your best friend, you spent every day with for some the happiest times in your life... just... was gone? Would you have told them you loved them enough? Would you have felt you really lived? At what point do the material things stop mattering, and the substance of your heart and emotions start mattering? At what point do you realize your "safe" relationship isn't giving you what you deserve? At what point do you figure out your job isn't where your heart is? I mean, I know these questions are incredibly cliche... I get that. But really... what if? Will you be able to say you lived your life out loud? Really?
I don't know. I think for the most part, I'd be proud of what I've done, and who I've chose to surround myself with, and who I've fallen for, and such. I mean, I have made my share of awful decisions... but, all of them have been consistent and true to who I was at the time. I believed in every single mistake I made, if that makes sense. I found myself asking these same sort of questions and having these same kind of conversations after Geoff passed away. I don't mean to stand on this soapbox and preach. Its not my intention. I just... I ache. And its... staggering.
I guess I don't really have a message here. And I don't really know how else to close this post. I guess I'm thankful for the time I've had so far to fuck up, and to make good. I'm thankful for all the times I've moved so that I could try something new, and I am thankful for all the people that have been brought into my life, and I am thankful for all the times I've fallen in love. I'm thankful for you people reading this. Not because you are reading this, but because I know you.
I guess what I'm saying is, today is a great day to say, thank you... and I love you.
yours in blue,
~mflave
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