"Today I don't feel like doing annnythinnnngggg...
I just wanna lay in my bed
Don't feel like picking up my phone
So leave a message at the tone
'Cause today I swear I'm not doing anything."
I've been rather lazy about posting this past month. I for some reason, was trying to hold myself accountable to a blog schedule that would come out on THURSDAYS. Why Thursday? Well, during the time when I wanted to type, it usually was after I had my version of a weekend (complete with out of town visitor(s) and stuffs *wink wink*), and right before the time I was spending with my other friends here, or even corps. It was smack dab in the middle of things, with enough time to calm down from the happy that had happened, and then with enough time to gear up for the next big thing.
Then I started to get a little busier. It wasn't that I was traveling or really doing more, but I felt... busier. I guess initially was sort of feeling a sense of excitement, and then immediate loss, both of which I wanted to share... so I did... but... then I just... sort of got wrapped up in stuff, both tangible and intangible. And then there was Wildwood, and visiting Bucs, and Baby Ian, and classes (w00t), and I just... got lazy with the blogging.
Part of me wondered if, the only reason why I blogged was to to sort of passive aggressively tell people (friends, enemies, strangers, your dog) how I was doing (both in a negative and positive way), and once I felt I had accomplished that...that I just, stopped wanting to write (lets face it, there's a sense of vanity with this kind of thing... you WANT people to read it, obviously. Or you wouldn't write it. Period.).
But thats not it. I have an entire sticky note on my phone of topics that I want to discuss here. So why the break? Lack of motivation? Swimming in my own head too much (ohh swimming, i wanna go swimming...)?
I think honestly, I was intimidated. I had some major/minor success with this blog. So much so that it gained traffic to certain people (no just you Nicole Schneider!) that asked me to write a piece on what its like to be pi-polar 2, and it was published. It sounds like a huge deal... maybe it is... maybe I down play it... not sure. But I was asked asked by the same people to maybe do a more frequent expose on it, so that others can see the ups and downs of it all. I haven't committed to that yet as it seems... rather scary and daunting to open up my life like that. I mean venting and bitching on facebook about my melodramas, insecurities, bad days and ranting is one thing... but to sift through it all and let others really see the gritty stuff? Thats, scary. And commitment to that kind of thing is terrifying. Its like being in a very intimate relationship, with strangers.
Anyway, when I began to do this, I started feeling a lot of empowerment with it. Because not only were my friends reading it and truly identifying with my rambling self, I was actually gaining ears from around the country (and world, really). And I felt a lot of accomplishment in that. I didn't start this blog as a business marketing profile, I didn't start this blog to directly network, I didn't have any real agenda other than to write some thoughts down on a regular... ok regularish basis. So I was flattered and, forgive the overused verbosity here... I was goddamn fucking HONORED that people were not only reading what I had to say relatively uncensored (maybe a little vague though), but ALSO being interested in hearing more.
And here's the thing, my writing style is very me. Now I can put on the writer hat and poet tie and sound incredibly professional and polished when necessary. Like, essays, school documents, marketing materials, hate letters (been a about a year since I used that skill though), and love letters (... most of those never get seen, they are beautiful though, if I say so myself), or if I feel like the subject matter is of a certain importance that it NEEDS to be described and perceived in that way...
but in corner of my world. I mean, I edit it... some... but it screams Flave. And so that made me even MORE incredibly honored/flattered/floored that people wanted more. I don't consider myself a "writer" in the true sense of the word.
Anyway, during all of those "oh man, people are actually reading this! How COOL, and AWESOME... and SCARY", I guess I sort of just... stopped writing here.
Its not a fear of sharing the wrong info, or that I wanted to shut it down, I think that I just felt so very complimented from top to bottom from all of the personal emails and messages and contacts... and I felt very accomplished in this little FlaveSpace, that I just... took a break.
So, now that I've rambled on about THAT a bit, whats going on with me? in a nutshell:
1) So yeah, I am published. By accident sort of. So thats kind of neat. If it does turn out into the series, I'll be sure to let you guys know. But in truth... this blog will probably have way more fun and juicy stuff anyway!
2) I've been avoiding dealing with whats left my DUI stuff, and if I don't deal with it like... stat, its going to be bad, so I've been having a little anxiety with that. Time to really put all that behind be though I think. Things have a tendency of working themselves out... but the law ain't nothin to play with, son!
3) I miss my Buccaneers terribly. But its in a good kind of way. I'm not sulking about it... I just can't wait to see them again soon! <3 I'm a super proud alumni/member/retreat liaison <3
4) the kids are great. Baby Ian is a Moose, but an adorable moose; and Amelia is getting more accustomed to sharing her people. It'll get easier, but even so... Its pretty neat seeing first hand both of their growth. They are amazing kids and I love them as much as anyone could who isn't their mom or dad. I am so in love. <3
5) I'm learning more about photography every day and I'm really intimidated by it, I'll be honest. But every time I pick up the camera I also become more less afraid of how intimidated I am. I'm used to being pretty proficient at things, so feeling so incredibly: "OMG WTF IS THIS THING, HOW DO I DO THINGS?!?", is almost a bit of a mental challenge... like, in my head I say back "yeah, well I am a 6 time world champion, and I never thought I could do THAT EITHER."
All schtick aside, I really am loving learning about the camera itself, and about lighting and about all that. The business side is scaring the shit of out me. I know its preemptive, but I want to at least understand it all before I start delving into it in real life. I think also, its been a really long time since I've made a true commitment to anything so the idea of picking a name, and making business accounts and all of that... its a big deal, and I'm not quite at the edge and ready to leap QUITE yet. But its all exciting in any case. Its been wonderful to have the ability to learn something so new and be able to play around with a cool creative hobby. Its been so long since I've had that chance. <3
6) my love life? Well, I mean... there's no real change there. I was really heartbroken not so long ago. And I don't use that word lightly... my heart literally ached and longed for what and who I wanted. But I don't ache as much anymore, but sometimes once in a while it does still feel like a punch in the gut. But not NEARLY as often as it was even two weeks ago. Right now, its a much more organic Eat Pray Love sort of philosophy. I may not have liked the outcome of what it became, but I still care for him greatly. So I send light and love out to him when I think of him, and I hope all is well, and all is what we wants, and all is what he deserves. Because me being angry, doesn't change what it is or how he/I felt/feel about it, and I'd much rather look back on it with a smile, and look to the future. What will be, will be. And if its meant to happen (with anyone or anything), its going to happen, or not. I can't sit around being mopey because I'm feeling selfish and losery. Of course I miss him, thats just a given... but thats not going to change anything.
So yeah, I'm less emo about it. I'm not hung up on it like I was, and as always, its a process and I'm definitely glad to be at least partially moving on. We'll see what happens in the future. My life since uprooting my stability in 2009 has been a variety show, a drama, a dry comedy, a great romance, a quirky teenage vignette, and a witty self actualized movie all wrapped into a ball of me. It'll earn an Oscar, or maybe and Emmy some day, believe it ;) So I have great faith that my next journey, even if met with some of the same cast of characters, will be equally entertaining regardless of its nature.
Well, its Saturday night (well I guess Sunday at this point), and given my reputation I should be out wrecking relationships, getting pregnant, table dancing, or snorting a line off a strippers ass but instead the real truth is, I'm sitting on my bed, with my puppydoggy Ella writing this little bit to you all who choose to read it. I'm not usually this boring... I swear (remember the rep?!? teehee) I was sick almost all of yesterday (although I did go to the movies with Helene and the kids to see Gru and the Minions), and today I had woman pain like WHAT, and was in no mood to do any of the things... except watch Sharknado with Kristina.... because... its a Sharknado. Enough said.
I PROMISE, I promise... my life will be less thoughts and more funny stories in the near future. I have some things in store that will NEED some sort of documentation ;)
See you guys here, not the same bat time, but definitely the same bat place on Thursday. With more tales of greatness, boring-ness, and stuff-ness, with yours truly.
Go forth and continuing being awesome,
~marth
Don't feel like picking up my phone
So leave a message at the tone
'Cause today I swear I'm not doing anything."
I've been rather lazy about posting this past month. I for some reason, was trying to hold myself accountable to a blog schedule that would come out on THURSDAYS. Why Thursday? Well, during the time when I wanted to type, it usually was after I had my version of a weekend (complete with out of town visitor(s) and stuffs *wink wink*), and right before the time I was spending with my other friends here, or even corps. It was smack dab in the middle of things, with enough time to calm down from the happy that had happened, and then with enough time to gear up for the next big thing.
Then I started to get a little busier. It wasn't that I was traveling or really doing more, but I felt... busier. I guess initially was sort of feeling a sense of excitement, and then immediate loss, both of which I wanted to share... so I did... but... then I just... sort of got wrapped up in stuff, both tangible and intangible. And then there was Wildwood, and visiting Bucs, and Baby Ian, and classes (w00t), and I just... got lazy with the blogging.
Part of me wondered if, the only reason why I blogged was to to sort of passive aggressively tell people (friends, enemies, strangers, your dog) how I was doing (both in a negative and positive way), and once I felt I had accomplished that...that I just, stopped wanting to write (lets face it, there's a sense of vanity with this kind of thing... you WANT people to read it, obviously. Or you wouldn't write it. Period.).
But thats not it. I have an entire sticky note on my phone of topics that I want to discuss here. So why the break? Lack of motivation? Swimming in my own head too much (ohh swimming, i wanna go swimming...)?
I think honestly, I was intimidated. I had some major/minor success with this blog. So much so that it gained traffic to certain people (no just you Nicole Schneider!) that asked me to write a piece on what its like to be pi-polar 2, and it was published. It sounds like a huge deal... maybe it is... maybe I down play it... not sure. But I was asked asked by the same people to maybe do a more frequent expose on it, so that others can see the ups and downs of it all. I haven't committed to that yet as it seems... rather scary and daunting to open up my life like that. I mean venting and bitching on facebook about my melodramas, insecurities, bad days and ranting is one thing... but to sift through it all and let others really see the gritty stuff? Thats, scary. And commitment to that kind of thing is terrifying. Its like being in a very intimate relationship, with strangers.
Anyway, when I began to do this, I started feeling a lot of empowerment with it. Because not only were my friends reading it and truly identifying with my rambling self, I was actually gaining ears from around the country (and world, really). And I felt a lot of accomplishment in that. I didn't start this blog as a business marketing profile, I didn't start this blog to directly network, I didn't have any real agenda other than to write some thoughts down on a regular... ok regularish basis. So I was flattered and, forgive the overused verbosity here... I was goddamn fucking HONORED that people were not only reading what I had to say relatively uncensored (maybe a little vague though), but ALSO being interested in hearing more.
And here's the thing, my writing style is very me. Now I can put on the writer hat and poet tie and sound incredibly professional and polished when necessary. Like, essays, school documents, marketing materials, hate letters (been a about a year since I used that skill though), and love letters (... most of those never get seen, they are beautiful though, if I say so myself), or if I feel like the subject matter is of a certain importance that it NEEDS to be described and perceived in that way...
but in corner of my world. I mean, I edit it... some... but it screams Flave. And so that made me even MORE incredibly honored/flattered/floored that people wanted more. I don't consider myself a "writer" in the true sense of the word.
Anyway, during all of those "oh man, people are actually reading this! How COOL, and AWESOME... and SCARY", I guess I sort of just... stopped writing here.
Its not a fear of sharing the wrong info, or that I wanted to shut it down, I think that I just felt so very complimented from top to bottom from all of the personal emails and messages and contacts... and I felt very accomplished in this little FlaveSpace, that I just... took a break.
So, now that I've rambled on about THAT a bit, whats going on with me? in a nutshell:
1) So yeah, I am published. By accident sort of. So thats kind of neat. If it does turn out into the series, I'll be sure to let you guys know. But in truth... this blog will probably have way more fun and juicy stuff anyway!
2) I've been avoiding dealing with whats left my DUI stuff, and if I don't deal with it like... stat, its going to be bad, so I've been having a little anxiety with that. Time to really put all that behind be though I think. Things have a tendency of working themselves out... but the law ain't nothin to play with, son!
3) I miss my Buccaneers terribly. But its in a good kind of way. I'm not sulking about it... I just can't wait to see them again soon! <3 I'm a super proud alumni/member/retreat liaison <3
4) the kids are great. Baby Ian is a Moose, but an adorable moose; and Amelia is getting more accustomed to sharing her people. It'll get easier, but even so... Its pretty neat seeing first hand both of their growth. They are amazing kids and I love them as much as anyone could who isn't their mom or dad. I am so in love. <3
5) I'm learning more about photography every day and I'm really intimidated by it, I'll be honest. But every time I pick up the camera I also become more less afraid of how intimidated I am. I'm used to being pretty proficient at things, so feeling so incredibly: "OMG WTF IS THIS THING, HOW DO I DO THINGS?!?", is almost a bit of a mental challenge... like, in my head I say back "yeah, well I am a 6 time world champion, and I never thought I could do THAT EITHER."
All schtick aside, I really am loving learning about the camera itself, and about lighting and about all that. The business side is scaring the shit of out me. I know its preemptive, but I want to at least understand it all before I start delving into it in real life. I think also, its been a really long time since I've made a true commitment to anything so the idea of picking a name, and making business accounts and all of that... its a big deal, and I'm not quite at the edge and ready to leap QUITE yet. But its all exciting in any case. Its been wonderful to have the ability to learn something so new and be able to play around with a cool creative hobby. Its been so long since I've had that chance. <3
6) my love life? Well, I mean... there's no real change there. I was really heartbroken not so long ago. And I don't use that word lightly... my heart literally ached and longed for what and who I wanted. But I don't ache as much anymore, but sometimes once in a while it does still feel like a punch in the gut. But not NEARLY as often as it was even two weeks ago. Right now, its a much more organic Eat Pray Love sort of philosophy. I may not have liked the outcome of what it became, but I still care for him greatly. So I send light and love out to him when I think of him, and I hope all is well, and all is what we wants, and all is what he deserves. Because me being angry, doesn't change what it is or how he/I felt/feel about it, and I'd much rather look back on it with a smile, and look to the future. What will be, will be. And if its meant to happen (with anyone or anything), its going to happen, or not. I can't sit around being mopey because I'm feeling selfish and losery. Of course I miss him, thats just a given... but thats not going to change anything.
So yeah, I'm less emo about it. I'm not hung up on it like I was, and as always, its a process and I'm definitely glad to be at least partially moving on. We'll see what happens in the future. My life since uprooting my stability in 2009 has been a variety show, a drama, a dry comedy, a great romance, a quirky teenage vignette, and a witty self actualized movie all wrapped into a ball of me. It'll earn an Oscar, or maybe and Emmy some day, believe it ;) So I have great faith that my next journey, even if met with some of the same cast of characters, will be equally entertaining regardless of its nature.
Well, its Saturday night (well I guess Sunday at this point), and given my reputation I should be out wrecking relationships, getting pregnant, table dancing, or snorting a line off a strippers ass but instead the real truth is, I'm sitting on my bed, with my puppydoggy Ella writing this little bit to you all who choose to read it. I'm not usually this boring... I swear (remember the rep?!? teehee) I was sick almost all of yesterday (although I did go to the movies with Helene and the kids to see Gru and the Minions), and today I had woman pain like WHAT, and was in no mood to do any of the things... except watch Sharknado with Kristina.... because... its a Sharknado. Enough said.
I PROMISE, I promise... my life will be less thoughts and more funny stories in the near future. I have some things in store that will NEED some sort of documentation ;)
See you guys here, not the same bat time, but definitely the same bat place on Thursday. With more tales of greatness, boring-ness, and stuff-ness, with yours truly.
Go forth and continuing being awesome,
~marth
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