"Happiness, is... two kinds of ice cream...
For happiness is anyone and anything at all, thats loved by you"
So today, before we went to the park I found myself feeling incredibly melancholy Things in my head and around me, just seem... so much less sparkly than what I had initially planned for myself. Its true, that I do suffer from depression (bi polar 2 to be exact), but I'm not sure that has much to do with how I've been feeling. I refuse to use that as a crutch. Things for me lately, haven't been awful, but they haven't been going according to plan... or according to normal... or according to my version of good. Some of it is external and some of it is internal. But I do not tend to place blame on either situation, because I've found so much is interrelated.
I also am aware that I've had few major setbacks that have caused me to "start over". And truly they have messed up a typical timeline for someone approaching the big three-oh. I'm a risk taker sometimes, and when I do something, its usually with 100% tenacity, so when/if it fails, I'm left a little bruised, with some awesome memories, some excellent life experience, some pictures and boxes full of my stuff. Some call me reckless. Maybe I am sometimes. I prefer to think of it as more of an "optimistic opportunist".
Anyway, back to my preface here... usually when I'm feeling melancholy about a SOMETHING or a SOMEONE, a good cry or vent session with an admission of my obvious current insecurities, coupled with a day or two of moping... and I can usually pick myself up and dust myself off and start the long journey back to the top of the mountain. Unless there is something deeper and under the surface that is causing me to feel defeated. If its something bigger than the usual typical setbacks... well thats sort of a different story.
I'm a fighter. Sort of a warrior, really, when it comes to my psyche. But when its a heartbreak over something that meant something to me, or if its clinical, I find myself swimming in my head a lot more. Which, really when I do that... floaties aren't gonna keep me afloat. I need floaties, some water noodles, a life vest, one of those life saving inner-tubes that hugs your waist, and just to be safe, probably a (read: VERY SHORT) rope tied around my body attached to a boat (preferably a yacht, cuz I like to ride in style) so that I don't drown. My mind is a sea. A very explored ocean, but even in familiar waters, you can discover things about yourself, either because they are new, or your feelings about it are new. There are always new trenches to be explored, and when I'm feeling inexplicably sad, I (like most people who suffer from a case of depression), tend to want to explore the depths of that. There can be a certain comfort in sitting on the cozy couch of comfortable dis-consolation. It may be gloomy, but its familiar territory when you get to that point. And feeling anything else is s c a r y. And if you've ever been TRULY sad and TRULY depressed. You know thats the truth.
The hardest part about moving on, is making the decision to do so. Once you do it, there are checklists, and people there to guide you, or activities to plunge yourself into, and inspiration to be followed. But until you're at the point when something splashes cold water on your face and you realize how far you've sunk, and that you really DO want to float again... there is nothing anyone can say or do to pull you out of it. You just have to decide to try. You have to decide to take the first steps.
I fight this a lot. Because when I feel so gross, and undeserving, and ugly inside and out, all I wanna do is avoid people, and sleep. All. The. Time. And I've been combating some type of depression (not entirely sure if its situational or not) for a month or so. I've been trying to get a good workout routine together, which has helped, spending time with Amelia is always a good way to temporarily ease my mind and I'll be moving down to the basement in the next two weeks (SQUEEEEE). I'm a little peeved at Martha from the summer, because I'm having some major family troubles because of it... but I'm moving on, I'm a little lonely and I miss spending time with the current object of my affection (although it doesn't really seem all that reciprocated lately. Unrequited.), but thats also something that I can handle (i think), I wish I had a car, and that I wasn't still dealing with the DUI, and that some of my best friends hadn't just deployed, and that I had more money and that I wasn't so bored... yada yada yada. These are all thing that I can handle. Or at least... should be able to handle. Or... that I WANT to be able to handle. And I've got great housemates, and awesome friends, and I've accomplished quite a bit in my short time here on this 3rd rock from the sun... So... I asked myself this...
"yo self, you're a pretty fabulous. You're a well read sex kitten, with intellect and wit. You're pretty hilarious when you're on a roll, people seem to like you, you're cute and fun and ain't no slouch when it comes to dinosaur impressions... so whats the beef?"
"I dunno... I just feel useless, and lacking inspiration or motivation, or... courage. I feel... sad."
"why?"
"I JUST SAID I DON'T KNOW. jeez self, you're dense..."
"well, what would it take for you to be happy..."
*grand pause*
I didn't have an answer. So I spent the rest of my day in the park when I wasn't talking to Amelia and Helene, or passing judgement on some of the train wrecks we ran into there (OH MY GOD, i actually saw someone that was "shapes" today. It was... like looking at a magic eye painting. Very confusing to try to make sense of...), thinking.
So, what would it take to make me happy? If I could have ALLLL the money in the world, and expense was not an issue, and time wasn't an issue... what is it right now, that would make me happy? And, with the obvious first answer being "beer and bacon and boys", came the inevitable next question... what does that mean? Are the things I want, the things that truly would more than satisfy me (dirrrty)? and are they quick fixes, or do they have longevity to them?
I mean, really... all anyone wants is to be happy. And no one has the right or ability to take your happiness from you. Its yours and yours alone. And people have managed to stay pretty happy in some pretty ridiculously awful times, so it sort stands to read that it doesn't matter what you're going through, its possible to stay positive. But you also have the right to be sad. You have the right to feel loss, and you have the right to experience both of those things... in your own way, in the rawest of forms. And no one, can really take away a feeling. They can share in it... and be part of it, but its yours. And yours alone. I'll say it again. No one has the right or ability to take that away from you.
Some times, though we let people try and take it. Maybe not intentionally, but sometimes we let peoples advice or opinions or negativity or positivity effect/affect our lives and how we life. And to an extent, thats not only accepted, its needed. Because thats human interaction. But when you strip all of the bravado away, and you're at your most emotionally naked time... thats is yours. And no one elses. I think it was Eleanor Roosevelt that said, "No one can make you feel inferior but yourself". It works both ways though. No one can make you satisfied but yourself. And your version of your sadness and happiness cannot be recreated in another.
So what is happiness? And is it meant to be something you feel all the time? And what does it all mean?
I'm not sure there is a simple answer. Well, no, I take that back. The answer is as simple as a quote from You're a Good Man Charlie Brown, "For happiness is anyone and anything at all, thats loved by you".
So simple, right? So when you're feeling sad and low... what would it take to make you happy? What do you love?
For me, I think a large part of why I've been feeling this way has to do with abrupt severing ties with my family, feeling incredibly unrequited by someone who I have such a high opinion of and such an incredible attraction to both mental and physical that its hard to put into words most of the time, feeling like I've been sort of treading water in terms of making my life my own, having a lack of drum corps in my life is always an adjustment for me, feeling like I am on house arrest, feeling unmotivated... and all of these things... I could place blame on. "Oh, I feel this way because this happened." But then today, I said... well... if that wasn't the case... lets take that whole scenario thats making you upset right now OUT of your life... would you be happy then?
No. So thats not the answer. Perhaps the removal of the stress might make things easier. But its not a fix. Its a band aid on a bullet wound, my friends.
I'd like to clear something up though. I am not in a bad or scary mental place right now. I mean, I suppose in a way you could say that I am. Because anything less than "good" is "bad"... But I think the best description of what I'm going through lately is: I feel "off". and I do feel like if I can't find a way to feel "on" then, its going to spiral down to no bueno. I think the mere fact that I'm able to identify this crossroads at all is a huge accomplishment for someone like me. Each time, I get a little quicker too. So one day, hopefully, I"ll be able to bypass losing so much time to feeling lost, and just be able to maintain the "on". Little victories.
That sounds so sad when I read it back to myself. It sounds like I'm some pathetic weeping child who can't get their emotions under control. Its not that. I'm fully functioning. And am usually pretty fully functioning even when I'm at my worst... but... I'm sort of wondering to myself... What would it take to be truly happy, right NOW?
What would satisfy me? and make me feel fulfilled? and whole? and complete?
Well I hope that my answer is always changing. As a self proclaimed Philosopher, I'd like to think that I'll always be looking for something great and something new to learn and be excited about.
So if my definition of happiness is the same as Charlie Brown, "For happiness is anyone and anything at all, thats loved by you". What do I love?
I love bacon, boys and beer. Some boys more than others, some beer more than others (helllooo summer ale), bacon... well thats unwavering. I love my friends, and how they look out for me even when I don't know it, I love music and dancing, and music and marching. I love Amelia. I love summer weather, and the stars that seem so calming even on the worst day imaginable. I love bon fires and the people that surround them. I love flirting, and the butterflies I get when I get to banter with someone special to me, I love the idea of love, I love being in love. I love pictures, of all kinds. I love learning about people. I love designing things (even when I know I suck at it). I love studying people and being able to know them well enough to know their subtle intricacies. I love shoes. I love clothes (and hate them teehee). I love money, even though I never REALLY have it. I love travel. I love me time. I love parties. I love kids. I love good rain storms. I love doggies and most kitties, but I love doggies a little more. I love Lucent Beach. I love Reading, PA. I love Baltimore. I love cities. I love sex and intimacy. I love movies of all kinds. I love to create relationships. I love to create a vibe. I love to create. I love to learn, even though sometimes I don't know how to. I love the quiet. I love the loud. I love the quiet after the loud. I love feeling accomplished. I love being valued by the people around me, and I love valuing them even more. I love singing, and acting ridiculous. I love feeling free enough to do so. I love pizza. And bacon cheese fries. I love how grass smells after its been cut. I love football and the camaraderie it brings. I love Pangaea and Hamburgers. I love all of my many celebrity husbands. I love that I live in a world where we are able to strive for equality for everyone. I love that I live in a world where I am able to say that. I love to read, but I never really do anymore. I love how certain people smell, and how it lingers for a short time after they've left. I love fresh night snow. I love that even in the darkest of times, I have the ability to pick myself up and learn to walk again. I love that I'm sometimes afraid to move. Because when I finally do decide to, I commit and its beautiful. I love energy. And I love to share it. I love so much more than I've written here. And when I think about THAT, I love how I feel. I love that I am capable of loving that much.
So, that is happiness to me. So what does that MEAN? Because, just because I love those things, doesn't necessarily make ME bursting with love and happiness and light. So what would?
I think I can sum it up like this:
Knowledge that happiness is not a constant state. It comes in waves, some bigger than others. Acceptance that its not a constant state. It comes in waves, some bigger than others. Motivation to try and make it a constant state anyway, in big waves and more often. and Love everything around me. And if I don't love it... toss it. Ain't no body got time for that.
Okay great. Now we have a philosophy. The Mrs. America Answer. What I want at this stage, though, is not the fluffy rainbows and puppies answers. I want SPECIFICS, self. So, okay.
I want, to loose myself in something. And I want to do so in such a manner that wild horses couldn't drag me away from it. I want it to be such a wild and beautiful thing that I could and will, love it forever. I want the chance to take a leap with something that scares me so much, that I'm going to do it anyway. And I'm looking for something sustainable, that won't burn out after the initial thirst has been quenched. I've been so bored lately, and its not just a social thing. I need something to keep my mind active and busy and "happy". I need a project. Which, is why I think I've been toying with the idea of photography. It fits so much of the criteria that I've presented to myself. And I think that even if its not something I make a full time thing, that it will lead me to some very interesting people and places and experiences.
Because... well, what I'm really missing right now, and what this whole post about happiness REALLY boils down to is... I need to experience more. I've been sort of... been hiding out for the past 11 months. Sure, I've had corps, and moving, and fun things happening with me and around me. And I value ALL of those things. But as far as me taking chances, and taking steps to where I see myself... I've been sulking. Don't get me wrong, I do feel a bit justified given how "swell" 2012 was to me, and the baggage of 2011 accompanying it... but justifying it any further past this point is just going to be detrimental from now on. I need to go out into the world so that it beats me up again, and I can beat it right back (dirrty? or a Michael Jackson reference? not sure...). To make me happy, I've got to start taking chances, and truly take advantage of all of the great things that I have somehow managed to surround myself with during one of the worst times in my life.
"So, self... whats it going to take to make you happy?"
"motivation and initiation of Project Martha: just do it (also dirrty). I'm going to say more "yes" and less "no". I'm going to stop hiding and instead just be prepared for the things I have interest in, to become something that I can't see myself living with out, instead of living in fear that its going to crash all around me. Because, statistically, it always has. But what better time to "go and do" than right now?"
"Correct, self."
"good, talk self."
"indeed"
So, I guess... to summarize, I did a lot of self evaluating. And its because I've just been feeling so... hermit like and antisocial... and just... low. And I wanted to know why, instead of just letting it take over. So I asked myself what it would take to BE happy. Which led to me asking myself what happiness is. Which led me to asking myself again what it would take to be happy. Which then made me make a list of things I love. And then had me define why I feel I'm lacking, when there is so much good around me. Which led me to the problem. Me I am the problem (and my current view of my personal world inside my head, and my current view of me). Which brings us here. Where I realized that not only am I long winded in my head, I'm long winded in text. Which brings me to this, my initial full circle statement:
"For happiness is anyone and anything at all, thats loved by you". And lets just bump that phrase up to 11 and add:
"For happiness is anyone and anything at all, thats loved by you. So... go and find anyone and anything at all, and love it."
Kind of sounds like it could be the start of a business plan for a hooker, too. But lets not cheapen the sentiment. I'm going to work really hard to pull myself out of the dark here, and love something or some things... and try something(s) new. And in the process find grace and fulfillment in it. Because, I THINK, thats what this whole life thing is about. Sometimes being happy is just as simple, as being happy. Its okay to do that. Just be.
~go forth and be awesome
flave
So today, before we went to the park I found myself feeling incredibly melancholy Things in my head and around me, just seem... so much less sparkly than what I had initially planned for myself. Its true, that I do suffer from depression (bi polar 2 to be exact), but I'm not sure that has much to do with how I've been feeling. I refuse to use that as a crutch. Things for me lately, haven't been awful, but they haven't been going according to plan... or according to normal... or according to my version of good. Some of it is external and some of it is internal. But I do not tend to place blame on either situation, because I've found so much is interrelated.
I also am aware that I've had few major setbacks that have caused me to "start over". And truly they have messed up a typical timeline for someone approaching the big three-oh. I'm a risk taker sometimes, and when I do something, its usually with 100% tenacity, so when/if it fails, I'm left a little bruised, with some awesome memories, some excellent life experience, some pictures and boxes full of my stuff. Some call me reckless. Maybe I am sometimes. I prefer to think of it as more of an "optimistic opportunist".
Anyway, back to my preface here... usually when I'm feeling melancholy about a SOMETHING or a SOMEONE, a good cry or vent session with an admission of my obvious current insecurities, coupled with a day or two of moping... and I can usually pick myself up and dust myself off and start the long journey back to the top of the mountain. Unless there is something deeper and under the surface that is causing me to feel defeated. If its something bigger than the usual typical setbacks... well thats sort of a different story.
I'm a fighter. Sort of a warrior, really, when it comes to my psyche. But when its a heartbreak over something that meant something to me, or if its clinical, I find myself swimming in my head a lot more. Which, really when I do that... floaties aren't gonna keep me afloat. I need floaties, some water noodles, a life vest, one of those life saving inner-tubes that hugs your waist, and just to be safe, probably a (read: VERY SHORT) rope tied around my body attached to a boat (preferably a yacht, cuz I like to ride in style) so that I don't drown. My mind is a sea. A very explored ocean, but even in familiar waters, you can discover things about yourself, either because they are new, or your feelings about it are new. There are always new trenches to be explored, and when I'm feeling inexplicably sad, I (like most people who suffer from a case of depression), tend to want to explore the depths of that. There can be a certain comfort in sitting on the cozy couch of comfortable dis-consolation. It may be gloomy, but its familiar territory when you get to that point. And feeling anything else is s c a r y. And if you've ever been TRULY sad and TRULY depressed. You know thats the truth.
The hardest part about moving on, is making the decision to do so. Once you do it, there are checklists, and people there to guide you, or activities to plunge yourself into, and inspiration to be followed. But until you're at the point when something splashes cold water on your face and you realize how far you've sunk, and that you really DO want to float again... there is nothing anyone can say or do to pull you out of it. You just have to decide to try. You have to decide to take the first steps.
I fight this a lot. Because when I feel so gross, and undeserving, and ugly inside and out, all I wanna do is avoid people, and sleep. All. The. Time. And I've been combating some type of depression (not entirely sure if its situational or not) for a month or so. I've been trying to get a good workout routine together, which has helped, spending time with Amelia is always a good way to temporarily ease my mind and I'll be moving down to the basement in the next two weeks (SQUEEEEE). I'm a little peeved at Martha from the summer, because I'm having some major family troubles because of it... but I'm moving on, I'm a little lonely and I miss spending time with the current object of my affection (although it doesn't really seem all that reciprocated lately. Unrequited.), but thats also something that I can handle (i think), I wish I had a car, and that I wasn't still dealing with the DUI, and that some of my best friends hadn't just deployed, and that I had more money and that I wasn't so bored... yada yada yada. These are all thing that I can handle. Or at least... should be able to handle. Or... that I WANT to be able to handle. And I've got great housemates, and awesome friends, and I've accomplished quite a bit in my short time here on this 3rd rock from the sun... So... I asked myself this...
"yo self, you're a pretty fabulous. You're a well read sex kitten, with intellect and wit. You're pretty hilarious when you're on a roll, people seem to like you, you're cute and fun and ain't no slouch when it comes to dinosaur impressions... so whats the beef?"
"I dunno... I just feel useless, and lacking inspiration or motivation, or... courage. I feel... sad."
"why?"
"I JUST SAID I DON'T KNOW. jeez self, you're dense..."
"well, what would it take for you to be happy..."
*grand pause*
I didn't have an answer. So I spent the rest of my day in the park when I wasn't talking to Amelia and Helene, or passing judgement on some of the train wrecks we ran into there (OH MY GOD, i actually saw someone that was "shapes" today. It was... like looking at a magic eye painting. Very confusing to try to make sense of...), thinking.
So, what would it take to make me happy? If I could have ALLLL the money in the world, and expense was not an issue, and time wasn't an issue... what is it right now, that would make me happy? And, with the obvious first answer being "beer and bacon and boys", came the inevitable next question... what does that mean? Are the things I want, the things that truly would more than satisfy me (dirrrty)? and are they quick fixes, or do they have longevity to them?
I mean, really... all anyone wants is to be happy. And no one has the right or ability to take your happiness from you. Its yours and yours alone. And people have managed to stay pretty happy in some pretty ridiculously awful times, so it sort stands to read that it doesn't matter what you're going through, its possible to stay positive. But you also have the right to be sad. You have the right to feel loss, and you have the right to experience both of those things... in your own way, in the rawest of forms. And no one, can really take away a feeling. They can share in it... and be part of it, but its yours. And yours alone. I'll say it again. No one has the right or ability to take that away from you.
Some times, though we let people try and take it. Maybe not intentionally, but sometimes we let peoples advice or opinions or negativity or positivity effect/affect our lives and how we life. And to an extent, thats not only accepted, its needed. Because thats human interaction. But when you strip all of the bravado away, and you're at your most emotionally naked time... thats is yours. And no one elses. I think it was Eleanor Roosevelt that said, "No one can make you feel inferior but yourself". It works both ways though. No one can make you satisfied but yourself. And your version of your sadness and happiness cannot be recreated in another.
So what is happiness? And is it meant to be something you feel all the time? And what does it all mean?
I'm not sure there is a simple answer. Well, no, I take that back. The answer is as simple as a quote from You're a Good Man Charlie Brown, "For happiness is anyone and anything at all, thats loved by you".
So simple, right? So when you're feeling sad and low... what would it take to make you happy? What do you love?
For me, I think a large part of why I've been feeling this way has to do with abrupt severing ties with my family, feeling incredibly unrequited by someone who I have such a high opinion of and such an incredible attraction to both mental and physical that its hard to put into words most of the time, feeling like I've been sort of treading water in terms of making my life my own, having a lack of drum corps in my life is always an adjustment for me, feeling like I am on house arrest, feeling unmotivated... and all of these things... I could place blame on. "Oh, I feel this way because this happened." But then today, I said... well... if that wasn't the case... lets take that whole scenario thats making you upset right now OUT of your life... would you be happy then?
No. So thats not the answer. Perhaps the removal of the stress might make things easier. But its not a fix. Its a band aid on a bullet wound, my friends.
I'd like to clear something up though. I am not in a bad or scary mental place right now. I mean, I suppose in a way you could say that I am. Because anything less than "good" is "bad"... But I think the best description of what I'm going through lately is: I feel "off". and I do feel like if I can't find a way to feel "on" then, its going to spiral down to no bueno. I think the mere fact that I'm able to identify this crossroads at all is a huge accomplishment for someone like me. Each time, I get a little quicker too. So one day, hopefully, I"ll be able to bypass losing so much time to feeling lost, and just be able to maintain the "on". Little victories.
That sounds so sad when I read it back to myself. It sounds like I'm some pathetic weeping child who can't get their emotions under control. Its not that. I'm fully functioning. And am usually pretty fully functioning even when I'm at my worst... but... I'm sort of wondering to myself... What would it take to be truly happy, right NOW?
What would satisfy me? and make me feel fulfilled? and whole? and complete?
Well I hope that my answer is always changing. As a self proclaimed Philosopher, I'd like to think that I'll always be looking for something great and something new to learn and be excited about.
So if my definition of happiness is the same as Charlie Brown, "For happiness is anyone and anything at all, thats loved by you". What do I love?
I love bacon, boys and beer. Some boys more than others, some beer more than others (helllooo summer ale), bacon... well thats unwavering. I love my friends, and how they look out for me even when I don't know it, I love music and dancing, and music and marching. I love Amelia. I love summer weather, and the stars that seem so calming even on the worst day imaginable. I love bon fires and the people that surround them. I love flirting, and the butterflies I get when I get to banter with someone special to me, I love the idea of love, I love being in love. I love pictures, of all kinds. I love learning about people. I love designing things (even when I know I suck at it). I love studying people and being able to know them well enough to know their subtle intricacies. I love shoes. I love clothes (and hate them teehee). I love money, even though I never REALLY have it. I love travel. I love me time. I love parties. I love kids. I love good rain storms. I love doggies and most kitties, but I love doggies a little more. I love Lucent Beach. I love Reading, PA. I love Baltimore. I love cities. I love sex and intimacy. I love movies of all kinds. I love to create relationships. I love to create a vibe. I love to create. I love to learn, even though sometimes I don't know how to. I love the quiet. I love the loud. I love the quiet after the loud. I love feeling accomplished. I love being valued by the people around me, and I love valuing them even more. I love singing, and acting ridiculous. I love feeling free enough to do so. I love pizza. And bacon cheese fries. I love how grass smells after its been cut. I love football and the camaraderie it brings. I love Pangaea and Hamburgers. I love all of my many celebrity husbands. I love that I live in a world where we are able to strive for equality for everyone. I love that I live in a world where I am able to say that. I love to read, but I never really do anymore. I love how certain people smell, and how it lingers for a short time after they've left. I love fresh night snow. I love that even in the darkest of times, I have the ability to pick myself up and learn to walk again. I love that I'm sometimes afraid to move. Because when I finally do decide to, I commit and its beautiful. I love energy. And I love to share it. I love so much more than I've written here. And when I think about THAT, I love how I feel. I love that I am capable of loving that much.
So, that is happiness to me. So what does that MEAN? Because, just because I love those things, doesn't necessarily make ME bursting with love and happiness and light. So what would?
I think I can sum it up like this:
Knowledge that happiness is not a constant state. It comes in waves, some bigger than others. Acceptance that its not a constant state. It comes in waves, some bigger than others. Motivation to try and make it a constant state anyway, in big waves and more often. and Love everything around me. And if I don't love it... toss it. Ain't no body got time for that.
Okay great. Now we have a philosophy. The Mrs. America Answer. What I want at this stage, though, is not the fluffy rainbows and puppies answers. I want SPECIFICS, self. So, okay.
I want, to loose myself in something. And I want to do so in such a manner that wild horses couldn't drag me away from it. I want it to be such a wild and beautiful thing that I could and will, love it forever. I want the chance to take a leap with something that scares me so much, that I'm going to do it anyway. And I'm looking for something sustainable, that won't burn out after the initial thirst has been quenched. I've been so bored lately, and its not just a social thing. I need something to keep my mind active and busy and "happy". I need a project. Which, is why I think I've been toying with the idea of photography. It fits so much of the criteria that I've presented to myself. And I think that even if its not something I make a full time thing, that it will lead me to some very interesting people and places and experiences.
Because... well, what I'm really missing right now, and what this whole post about happiness REALLY boils down to is... I need to experience more. I've been sort of... been hiding out for the past 11 months. Sure, I've had corps, and moving, and fun things happening with me and around me. And I value ALL of those things. But as far as me taking chances, and taking steps to where I see myself... I've been sulking. Don't get me wrong, I do feel a bit justified given how "swell" 2012 was to me, and the baggage of 2011 accompanying it... but justifying it any further past this point is just going to be detrimental from now on. I need to go out into the world so that it beats me up again, and I can beat it right back (dirrty? or a Michael Jackson reference? not sure...). To make me happy, I've got to start taking chances, and truly take advantage of all of the great things that I have somehow managed to surround myself with during one of the worst times in my life.
"So, self... whats it going to take to make you happy?"
"motivation and initiation of Project Martha: just do it (also dirrty). I'm going to say more "yes" and less "no". I'm going to stop hiding and instead just be prepared for the things I have interest in, to become something that I can't see myself living with out, instead of living in fear that its going to crash all around me. Because, statistically, it always has. But what better time to "go and do" than right now?"
"Correct, self."
"good, talk self."
"indeed"
So, I guess... to summarize, I did a lot of self evaluating. And its because I've just been feeling so... hermit like and antisocial... and just... low. And I wanted to know why, instead of just letting it take over. So I asked myself what it would take to BE happy. Which led to me asking myself what happiness is. Which led me to asking myself again what it would take to be happy. Which then made me make a list of things I love. And then had me define why I feel I'm lacking, when there is so much good around me. Which led me to the problem. Me I am the problem (and my current view of my personal world inside my head, and my current view of me). Which brings us here. Where I realized that not only am I long winded in my head, I'm long winded in text. Which brings me to this, my initial full circle statement:
"For happiness is anyone and anything at all, thats loved by you". And lets just bump that phrase up to 11 and add:
"For happiness is anyone and anything at all, thats loved by you. So... go and find anyone and anything at all, and love it."
Kind of sounds like it could be the start of a business plan for a hooker, too. But lets not cheapen the sentiment. I'm going to work really hard to pull myself out of the dark here, and love something or some things... and try something(s) new. And in the process find grace and fulfillment in it. Because, I THINK, thats what this whole life thing is about. Sometimes being happy is just as simple, as being happy. Its okay to do that. Just be.
~go forth and be awesome
flave
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