Riders on the storm

Riders on the storm 
Into this house we're born 
Into this world we're thrown 
Like a dog without a bone 
An actor out alone 
Riders on the storm "


I'm sitting here out on our covered sun porch watching the slow moving storm come in. I love watching storms. Although its much different being IN it, than it is looking at one coming at you, or watching it go away.

Funny how thats a metaphor. And yet, many of us, will sit on our metaphorical sun porch watching the lightening streak across the sky knowing that while it is still a good 10-15 miles away, it will be soon upon us. But we still enjoy watching it come. There's something calming about it. Not sure what it is about watching chaos miles away that soothes us so. But pretty universally, we look forward to it. We enjoy watching the lights dance across the sky, and the rumbling of thunder that inevitably follows.

I'm incredibly fitful today, perhaps its the amount of caffeine that I've crammed into my body today. But I also think that its been sort of how I've been feeling. I think with all the personal, financial and political catastrophes I've come across in the past, I guess 2 months now (christ, has it only been two months?) that I'm sort of... just... very anxious. But its also followed by a complete paralyzation.

I am just so antsy. Part of me wonders if its wanderlust, since I've been known to move on average once a year since I graduated high school. Another part of me KNOWS that its because of how unbelievably frustrated I am with things right now, and that breeds useless energy. And part of it I'm sure is me waiting for the next big shit storm to hit me, which, unfortunately looks to be next week: my court date. But I don't want to get into that yet.

I've been trying harder to use my friends as a resource lately, as a suggestion from someone I used to know, which was working well when I went sort of... public with everything. But now its like no one knows what to say to me. Which is understandable, I wouldn't know what to say either. I get the "oh you're so strong, I'd have gone crazy by now" or "oh wow thats a lot to handle" or "you'll figure out". I appreciate the sentiments, I truly do, but none of it is particularly helpful. And while yes, sometimes I just want to vent, with no one giving me advice, lately I really have been searching for answers and solutions.

Now the good news is, I've been feeling more social and a little less self absorbed as of late. But, with that also came a banner of avoidance. Which... is okay... I guess. But its like, not helpful. Its not making progress, really. I think as a coping mechanism, in addition to avoidance, is my own brand of going crazy. I'm not in bed falling apart from the stress, I'm not really drinking, I'm not lying, I'm not yelling at innocent people, I haven't developed schizophrenia but I, by no means, am "normal". Everyone tells me I'm handling this DUI, heartbreak, family, financial, deaths, unemployment shit all pretty well. Sure, I'm sure that from looking at me you think "oh wow, she's tan, and lost some weight, gained some muscle, and tends to laugh at jokes... everything seems normal". No. No I'm not. I don't think I've ever been so completely confused as to what the fuck is going on than I am right now. Because not only do I don't know what the fuck is going on, I also don't know how I feel about what the fuck is going on.

The more I think about moving... the less I want to do it. I don't want to start over and have a clean slate. I don't want to pack all my shit up, just to not have a bed again, not have any furniture, and start all over. I don't want that. At all. I'm exhausted. And the last thing I WANT to do is "start over" with my life again. I mean, I like the idea of moving to PA, and getting a job with new people, and living closer to the bulk of my friends... but the idea of HAVING to move is just... makes it seem more like an obligation than an adventure.

Everyone keeps telling me that if I have to move to a more urban area, and mooch off someone (for lack of better terminology, but watch that phrase get thrown in my face in a few months)... that it could be the greatest thing to happen to me. It could be my "big break". Well excuse me if I'm skeptical... but...

fuck that.

Wasn't College Park supposed to be that? Or Towson? Or Baltimore? and more recently, PA, and moving back here? All of these scenarios had me feeling optimistic about the next stage in my life. I was hopeful, and excited. And don't get me wrong, each and everyone one of them was awesome, and fun, and great, and terrible, and awesome, and fulfilling, and complicated and exciting. I'm glad I did each of those things (and the steps in between).  Perhaps thats what all of my advice-givers are telling me. That not matter where I go, or what I decide to do, it will be the right thing. Because it will be my choice to do it.

But maybe, just maybe.. I just want something to MAKE SENSE.

I'm an opportunist, really. I guess thats been the crux of my problem for a while now. I look for something to surface, and then go for it. Its "worked out" for me pretty well (using quotations because... I mean... none of those things actually got me to where I thought I was going...). So, I suppose the fitfulness that I'm feeling lately, is me being anxious for a sign for me to feel confident in the next steps.

2 years ago, just having the opportunity would have been enough, though. So perhaps, my complete hesitation to move up to PA is a sign that I shouldn't do it. Or perhaps its not a sign at all. Or perhaps its me just trying to think logically rather than "fate-fully". Or perhaps I'm not thinking logically at all, and finding reasons to stop progress because I'm tired/exhausted/depressed. Perhaps I need beer. Perhaps I need sleep. Perhaps I need a hug. Or a puppy. Oh I like puppies. And doggies. Doggies and puppies. We're doggy sitting right now. He's awesome. Old and awesome. AND TERRIFIED OF THE STORM. So completely terrified that he's sitting underneath my feet. Afraid to move. Paralyzed.

Sound like someone else you know? *ahem* *ahem* *shifty eyes*

So you tell me "it'll all work out". What the fuck makes YOU so sure, mr. advice giver man? What if it doesn't? What if, my life will constantly be an aggressive uphill battle that leaves me scarred, disgusting, endlessly poor and sad. What if my lifes mission is to be CONSTANTLY falling apart to get put back together, just to fall back apart.

To which, Mr. Advice Giver Man would tell me, "yeah, but then you get put back together".

touche, Mr. Advice Give Man... touche.

So yeah I don't know what to do. I guess I really truly am just looking for a sign that gives me some assurance that it really IS going to be okay.

For the record, I should tell you that this blog is not coming from a place of desperation, of depression. More of a state of musing... and boredom too, I suppose. I'm just so antsy. And I feel like if I have to make one more big girl adult decision that changes the rest of my life in the next month, I'm going to light things on fire.

It wouldn't be so bad if I felt I had any control over whats going to happen in court. Because then I could make decisions based on that. And I hate waiting for others to make decisions that involve me. I HATE WAITING.

Doesn't help my mood that I've gotten into to "discussions" this week that were particularly upsetting to me. I'm not dwelling, but I'm sure that has something to do with why I'm feeling so... frustrated.

This blog really has no point, because right now? there's nothing I can to but try to relax, keep my friends close and... breathe. But I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared about whats going to happen next. I want to ask the questions that go something like this "what if ______ happens?" or what if _______ doesn't happen?".... but the answer is always the same "I'll figure it out". Again. Not helpful, but I suppose its true. I think part of me is scared that... the worst isn't over. I think thats a big part of why I'm feeling this way.

So, on the metaphorical and also ACTUAL sun porch I wait. Watching the storm, which has now completely engulfed my house, btw. Its gorgeous. The lights are flickering as if there was a strobe light in the sky, and the thunder is constantly rumbling causing the world to grumble underneath it. The rain is hitting the deck. The sound of rain, somehow is making me less stir crazy. And the breeze floating through the large french doors feels good against my skin. There's a lesson in that, I think. There's always a calm before the storm, cleansing from the rain, and a peace once the clouds break. Cliches exist for a reason, its because somewhere along the line, they became true.

So perhaps my metaphysical/metaphorical storm is here. And I'm just, sitting on my sun porch deciding whether to bring the sand bags out, or get in my car to safer grounds. And I'm admittedly terrified, but for now, I guess, there's nothing to do but watch this beautiful storm, light up the sky, cause the world to be washed over with the rain, and listen.

Oh and watch the dog have a doggy panic attack. Thats fun, too.

Go forth and be awesome,
~flave