"Help is on the way...
... but it never came"
Its been a while since I posted, and so many events have transpired. So I will just list them off here, MD oktoberfest, FOOTBALL of both the upsetting and gleeful variety, lots of sleep, Halloween Party of Greatness went off without a hitch, Ravens/Steelers win, and a lot of wonderful movie nights. Despite the wonderful exterior of my life, I've been fueled by a LOT of anger lately.
This isn't me. I don't usually get so frustrated by things around me/about me that I burst into a fit of rage-quitting. But its been happening a lot. And by a lot I mean, at some point every day, I have to stop myself from doing something very stupid.
And of course, like most of America, instead of doing anything proactive about it, I'm just blogging about it. But I suppose just typing it out does help...
I know the source of it. Its me. Its entirely me. But, its also.. not me. Its also a combination of me trying to remain calm in so many situations lately, that I think... my nerves and my patience have just gone out the window. I don't typically blame the outside world for issues I'm having because, lets face it... there's enough blame to go around. And one thing remains true, you can't control the outside forces, you can only choose how you react, and how to deal... so if you're getting angry, legitimately angry about something... you at least to some extent are allowing yourself to get to that point. Sometimes its warranted, and sometimes its okay. But if its happening all the time, you sort of have no other choice than to take a step back and think "What the fuck am I doing that I am feeling this angst ridden".
So yeah, I can blame the fact that I'm unemployed, or that I'm broke, or that I've moved 15 times in 9 years, or that I've been to too many colleges and still don't have my degree, or that people are mean, or that I'm single (although truthfully, i really don't mind being single. being lonely rarely happens to me these days. Good people will do that), or any other myriad of shitty circumstances that have me where I am today... but really, other than a few blind rage moments that pass, its really on me from there.
So what has been going on with me internally that is causing me to constantly need to calm my tits? I'm frustrated. On the outside, I'm beyond frustrated with my inability to get a job. I'm not even looking for something mindblowing at this point... going through the classifieds and craigslist, there's just... not a lot happening. In addition, many places are arguing with me about my experience/age level. I either have too much or not enough. Really? okay... fine... keep on swimming...
But it scares me, because this really is the first time I've ever lived on my own, with my own rent payment, and my own bills... and it scares me that I could loose any of these things if things don't open up soon. SO thats a source of stress for me.
I haven't been as active as I've been in the past, which is something that does dramatically effect me. Its not that I need/want to be working out all the time, but just... being busier helps. That sort of goes hand in hand with the job thing.
I've also suffered from a lot of emotional crap lately that have put me through the ringer. I know I don't always handle that stuff with style and grace, but I'd say I deserve a medal for not actually going insane this year.
But all that stuff is just... stuff. It falls away... ultimately the reason why I've been so rage-y has to do with me. And my emotional/physical being. But right now, I'm going to settle with the explanation that I've had a rough go of it, and all the build up has just pushed me to a place of the dark and twisties. I think I deserve to be able to say that. I know thats sort of the opposite of what I said earlier... ya know... NOT placing blame on outside factors... but I think when a certain amount of optimism gets met with soul crushing bullshit, then its okay to be a little angry about... ya know. Everything.
The key, I think... is to find a good way to channel it... and sort of plan for the next step. And I haven't been finding a good way at all. I can't sleep, I've been living in my head all too much, I literally have been finding myself needing to do deep yoga breaths 3 times a day to keep from punching something. A lot. I'm bored. I'm broke, and I'm searching for anything that will ease me out of angry panda land.
So here's what I've started doing... I put on a yoga station on Pandora, and just sit and breathe for about 10 minutes a day. I'm hoping to increase that time, but right now 10 minutes feels like a lifetime in this "DO IT NOW" world. I also have been doing sit ups and crunches every day. Anytime I start to feel the itch to do something stupid I try and dance it out all Grey's Anatomy style. I've also started drinking more water (hey might not be related, but who knows, maybe it is). I'm continuing the job search (big exasperated sigh), and I'm trying to stay away from situations that cause me to burst. This includes less facebooking (tough habit to break). I'm listening to calmer music when I'm online too, which has actually helped a lot.
I just feel like in a lot of ways, I've got to get back to basics. I'm just... not usually an angry person. And I still don't consider myself to be... but I've just been incredibly.... full of... like... this energy. And I honestly think that its because I'm just so tired of fighting. And my head is constantly yelling at me at an eleven. So maybe I need to let go of all of the things that are currently screaming at me to sort of refocus. So, in a way, I guess thats what I'm trying to do. I'm trying to live a little quieter for a while. Trying to be a bit more honest with myself, and listen to what my brain is telling me to do.
I guess you could call that "hiding out" a little. Maybe... I mean thats definitely something that sounds appealing to me right now... but I'm not hiding. In fact, in a lot of ways, I think its quite the opposite. I just think, until the doors I keep knocking on open, or I find a god damn window of opportunity somewhere, I just need to focus in on the fact that maybe I'm not okay right now. And maybe... thats okay. This situation can't last forever, especially if I refuse to get completely beaten up. I'm pretty bruised right now, a little sensitive to the touch perhaps, but I'm not broken. And I think if I want to continue to not be broken, I just need to breathe, find a little calm in the storm... perhaps I just need to accept the fact that I'm hurt, and broke, and angry and maybe even a little sad these days. Maybe facing that, knowing that it'll pass eventually, and taking a little time to remember how to be patient is the key to... feeling more like myself again.
Patience is a virtue... Good things happen to those that wait... Can't see a rainbow if there was no storm... yada yada... they all are so cliche, but in the words of Robert Downey Jr in Tropic Thunder, "Just cuz its a theme song don't make it not true".
Maybe its time for me to take off my superwoman cape for a while, admit I'm a bit vulnerable and take a deep breath. Even super heros have weaknesses. Perhaps its because they avoid them that drives them to the point of their inevitable "evil alter ego". I can be a super hero again, just maybe right now I need to be Clark Kent for a bit. He was pretty hot anyway. I could get down with that.
gettin jiggy with it,
flave
a.k.a Slam
Its been a while since I posted, and so many events have transpired. So I will just list them off here, MD oktoberfest, FOOTBALL of both the upsetting and gleeful variety, lots of sleep, Halloween Party of Greatness went off without a hitch, Ravens/Steelers win, and a lot of wonderful movie nights. Despite the wonderful exterior of my life, I've been fueled by a LOT of anger lately.
This isn't me. I don't usually get so frustrated by things around me/about me that I burst into a fit of rage-quitting. But its been happening a lot. And by a lot I mean, at some point every day, I have to stop myself from doing something very stupid.
And of course, like most of America, instead of doing anything proactive about it, I'm just blogging about it. But I suppose just typing it out does help...
I know the source of it. Its me. Its entirely me. But, its also.. not me. Its also a combination of me trying to remain calm in so many situations lately, that I think... my nerves and my patience have just gone out the window. I don't typically blame the outside world for issues I'm having because, lets face it... there's enough blame to go around. And one thing remains true, you can't control the outside forces, you can only choose how you react, and how to deal... so if you're getting angry, legitimately angry about something... you at least to some extent are allowing yourself to get to that point. Sometimes its warranted, and sometimes its okay. But if its happening all the time, you sort of have no other choice than to take a step back and think "What the fuck am I doing that I am feeling this angst ridden".
So yeah, I can blame the fact that I'm unemployed, or that I'm broke, or that I've moved 15 times in 9 years, or that I've been to too many colleges and still don't have my degree, or that people are mean, or that I'm single (although truthfully, i really don't mind being single. being lonely rarely happens to me these days. Good people will do that), or any other myriad of shitty circumstances that have me where I am today... but really, other than a few blind rage moments that pass, its really on me from there.
So what has been going on with me internally that is causing me to constantly need to calm my tits? I'm frustrated. On the outside, I'm beyond frustrated with my inability to get a job. I'm not even looking for something mindblowing at this point... going through the classifieds and craigslist, there's just... not a lot happening. In addition, many places are arguing with me about my experience/age level. I either have too much or not enough. Really? okay... fine... keep on swimming...
But it scares me, because this really is the first time I've ever lived on my own, with my own rent payment, and my own bills... and it scares me that I could loose any of these things if things don't open up soon. SO thats a source of stress for me.
I haven't been as active as I've been in the past, which is something that does dramatically effect me. Its not that I need/want to be working out all the time, but just... being busier helps. That sort of goes hand in hand with the job thing.
I've also suffered from a lot of emotional crap lately that have put me through the ringer. I know I don't always handle that stuff with style and grace, but I'd say I deserve a medal for not actually going insane this year.
But all that stuff is just... stuff. It falls away... ultimately the reason why I've been so rage-y has to do with me. And my emotional/physical being. But right now, I'm going to settle with the explanation that I've had a rough go of it, and all the build up has just pushed me to a place of the dark and twisties. I think I deserve to be able to say that. I know thats sort of the opposite of what I said earlier... ya know... NOT placing blame on outside factors... but I think when a certain amount of optimism gets met with soul crushing bullshit, then its okay to be a little angry about... ya know. Everything.
The key, I think... is to find a good way to channel it... and sort of plan for the next step. And I haven't been finding a good way at all. I can't sleep, I've been living in my head all too much, I literally have been finding myself needing to do deep yoga breaths 3 times a day to keep from punching something. A lot. I'm bored. I'm broke, and I'm searching for anything that will ease me out of angry panda land.
So here's what I've started doing... I put on a yoga station on Pandora, and just sit and breathe for about 10 minutes a day. I'm hoping to increase that time, but right now 10 minutes feels like a lifetime in this "DO IT NOW" world. I also have been doing sit ups and crunches every day. Anytime I start to feel the itch to do something stupid I try and dance it out all Grey's Anatomy style. I've also started drinking more water (hey might not be related, but who knows, maybe it is). I'm continuing the job search (big exasperated sigh), and I'm trying to stay away from situations that cause me to burst. This includes less facebooking (tough habit to break). I'm listening to calmer music when I'm online too, which has actually helped a lot.
I just feel like in a lot of ways, I've got to get back to basics. I'm just... not usually an angry person. And I still don't consider myself to be... but I've just been incredibly.... full of... like... this energy. And I honestly think that its because I'm just so tired of fighting. And my head is constantly yelling at me at an eleven. So maybe I need to let go of all of the things that are currently screaming at me to sort of refocus. So, in a way, I guess thats what I'm trying to do. I'm trying to live a little quieter for a while. Trying to be a bit more honest with myself, and listen to what my brain is telling me to do.
I guess you could call that "hiding out" a little. Maybe... I mean thats definitely something that sounds appealing to me right now... but I'm not hiding. In fact, in a lot of ways, I think its quite the opposite. I just think, until the doors I keep knocking on open, or I find a god damn window of opportunity somewhere, I just need to focus in on the fact that maybe I'm not okay right now. And maybe... thats okay. This situation can't last forever, especially if I refuse to get completely beaten up. I'm pretty bruised right now, a little sensitive to the touch perhaps, but I'm not broken. And I think if I want to continue to not be broken, I just need to breathe, find a little calm in the storm... perhaps I just need to accept the fact that I'm hurt, and broke, and angry and maybe even a little sad these days. Maybe facing that, knowing that it'll pass eventually, and taking a little time to remember how to be patient is the key to... feeling more like myself again.
Patience is a virtue... Good things happen to those that wait... Can't see a rainbow if there was no storm... yada yada... they all are so cliche, but in the words of Robert Downey Jr in Tropic Thunder, "Just cuz its a theme song don't make it not true".
Maybe its time for me to take off my superwoman cape for a while, admit I'm a bit vulnerable and take a deep breath. Even super heros have weaknesses. Perhaps its because they avoid them that drives them to the point of their inevitable "evil alter ego". I can be a super hero again, just maybe right now I need to be Clark Kent for a bit. He was pretty hot anyway. I could get down with that.
gettin jiggy with it,
flave
a.k.a Slam
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