"Yeah, freedom is mine, and I know how I feel...
It's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life for me
And I'm feelin'... good." -- Nina Simone
I wrote a blog post in full on Martha glory early/mid January, incredibly motivated and ready to take on the next steps in my life, and then, of course... life happened. Life said "Oh hey there, little Martha, I see what you're doin! You're trying to go on an get goin? BAM. HOW ABOUT THESE APPLES". Okay, kidding.
Sort of.
I'm not that self absorbed, but lets be honest with ourselves here there was a deluge of realllllly uncool things that happened in a short amount of time that caused the breaks to get slammed on a lot of things in a very fast manner. Its actually surprising more damage had not been done to all the cars involved. Just damage to the bumpers. As far as I can tell... (get it? a car metaphor? no?... okay. shut up, LANA) (if you don't get the Lana thing... you need to go learn somethin today. Archer, baby. Watch it). There was some heartbreak, some travel, sicknesses in the house (we're not talking the common cold here, we're talking full on ridiculous writhing in pain on the couch kind of pain sickness), a devastating life lost close to me and my framily. Of course, some wonderful things have also happened (although I'm not looking at you, Superbowl...), but my ridiculously rambling blog just seemed minuscule in contrast to what was going on around me. And life surely gave me a nice slap in the wrist... okay, a nice slap in the face, complete with cuts and bruises. And the rest of body hurt because the slap knocked me out and on the floor, and my everything hurt. For a long while.
And to think, all I really wanted was a slap on the ass! ;) GIGGITY.
I'm far from healed. But some time and distance and perspective from the things that are/were/will hurt me has put me in a better frame of mind. At least in a frame of mind thats more willing to open myself up in this manner; the manner in which I let my thoughts flow onto paper... errr... screen, and let you all put your hands... errr... eyes on them and take them into your life and use them as you will.
That sounds incredibly voyeuristic! Lets do it!
Its a scary thing opening yourself up to the world like that. Its a vulnerability thing. Its also a marketing thing, because there is the "delete/backspace button", or that thing those fancy writers call "editing" that allows you to write something, then decide to un-write it, and therefore its to be understood by both creator and reader, that if you put it out there, then its okay that you put it out there.
There's always the "delete post" option once you've already published it (even facebook got caught up with that recently), but chances are, someone saw it. There was some night owl who refreshed at just the right time, or a gentle stalker (in a non threatening way) who has you on their notification list who's device rang immediately upon updating. Someone saw what you wrote, and now... its out in the universe.
My last blog post, that still remains unpublished btw, touches on the idea of what my plans are (well were) for the next few months. Its probably a good thing that I didn't publish it because it was only a matter of days before Kathy passed away (if you're not sure who that is, its okay. She was my housemates/best friends mother. She had become quite a presence in my life in the recent years and it was very unexpected. Another topic for another day, I suppose). The blog post basically sort of had a "this is what I am going to do with my life right now, and i don't give a dayumm what you think about it, so go eff yourself if you don't like it.. .SUCKA" kind of attitude. Not in a rude or negative way, but more in a way to suggest that I was empowering myself to do what I wanted to do, to any degree I wanted to do it, on my terms, with out asking for permission any more.
The issue with that is, though... as soon as I was done editing, we got the call about Kathy, and all of my excitement and self propelling, and self promotion and momentum sort of fell to the wayside. The gravity of universe seemed to come down so abruptly, as if... the weight of this shock and sadness had actually managed to make the world stop. And, truth be told, I was already feeling pretty emotionally beat up because of a cold helping of heartache I had recently been delivered. So instead of going forth with my current hand, life handed me a different set of cards. So I spent the next few weeks taking care of myself, taking care of the kids, taking care of my housemates (the best I really knew how, which really just meant tagging along to places and taking care of the kids as needed). I do not handle death well. I admit this. I realize that she was not my own flesh and blood and I do not try to wear that badge of courage as if it were my own, but... I grieved. Maybe more than appropriate some would say, but... it hit me rather hard (again, I don't want to short-change the experience, but I do not want to go into all of that in this post. I'll save it for when I'm feeling a bit more sentimental, and a little less matter of fact).
So in observance of this loss, this house was pretty much open for business for a variety of things. We had people stopping by giving us food, and checking in. We were running around from here to Silver Spring almost every day for two weeks getting things settled (by "we" I mean various combination of adults and kids). And then our weekends were filled with trying to get our sanity back trying to stay busy with friends (looking at you Winter Luau. Yes those pictures showed up on facebook. No I am not even mad about it). And that brings us back to two weeks ago.
Things have normalized around the house, everyone is back at work (at least while the weather is allowing it.. thanks snow!:) ) and things are beginning to feel settled, at least in the scheduling sense. Which is good. Especially for the kiddos. Its hard to really explain what happened to the kids, and its even harder to keep their life normal when you're driving all over creation, and their people are in and our of the house at odd times. But that part is over now.
We spent the Valentines weekend with Julie and Rico (part of my framily, but Mikes ACTUAL family). We were meant to drive down to VA to see Helenes parents but due to some "events" (read: kids being kids), we postponed our trip a day, only to find out the Helenes father had the flu anyway. So we were pretty set on staying in, until my grumpiness about being a hermit "leaked" (read: I blatantly put up on facebook how I was looking for something to do), and Julie suggested that we come visit. (ohmy god who am I? Jimmy Fallon? Holy name dropping batman!)
So we did. And with us we brought a stomach bug! But before that happened, we did enjoy some delicious homemade filet mignon cooked to perfection, with amazing baked potatoes and all the fixins, chocolate covered strawberries, and adult beverages :) Valentines day weekend is not traditionally a great weekend for me, so I was more than happy to get out of dodge, separate from anywhere where previous Valentine ghosts have lived, and create a new happy memory. <3 My only regret was not getting in the hot tub!! Stupid "not a polar vortex but actually almost worse because wind". Oh, and also the stomach virus. That sucked. But I actually had a great time anyway. I really don't think that I could have asked for a better few days.
Valentines day is sort of a sore subject with me for a variety of reasons. In truth, the fact that its every single person in their 30's nightmare, really doesn't play into it as much as it might seem from the outside. For those that know my history, they are very much aware of my issues with this week in general. For those of you that aren't... well lets just say statistically, bad things happen to me in mid February. Car accidents, cars being totaled, break ups, move-ins, family messes, financial crisisissszszzz, family illness, family major surgeries, run of the mill boy issues,... last year was sort of the exception to the "FUCK THIS MONTH" rule... but, well... anyway... moving right along...
As I was preaching at the beginning of the year, I really want to make this year the "YEAR OF FUCK YES". And I mean that. I don't consider myself a victim in my life, but I will tell you that the last two months has... really dumped on me (and my friends for that matter). And most of it has been completely... out of the blue. And not at all caused by a house of cards situation. And those sort of things almost seem harder to come back from because there is no answer to "why is this happening?", like there is when your own glass house starts to crack. And thats hard. Its hard to bounce back from something where there are no answers to be found. Its just... life.
So, needless to say (or needless for me to expound about any further), there has been a lot of unrest around these parts. Not all of it has been terrible, my friends/our friends have really been amazing and supportive, and fun and willing to listen and have been down for a good time any time it was needed. And thats a nice affirmation. And in a lot of ways this has brought my housemates and I a little closer, because we've been spending more than 5 minutes a day communicating. I actually had someone ask me to do family photos of them in the spring, and someone else separate from that asked me to take sexy pictures of them too ;) And having Mike and Helene home more often has given me some time to go through my room and reorganize, and take some online photography courses, and take some stock about whats been going on with me lately, aside from just being down and out. Because there's been a lot of internal good, that I've been feeling. Its been nice.
Aside from a little nostalgia monster creeping in and making me really sad, and replacing my backbone with my wishbone for a day (okay it was like a week, shut up), I've been feeling good. And in truth, I've been feeling good for a few months now. I've got a good handle on where I am, and why I am where I am, and although its not where I want to be forever (forevah evah, forevah evah?), I have some resolve to change that. I've been feeling energized, and excited and ready for new experiences. And honestly, its been a while since I've wanted to step out of my professional/personal comfort zone. Its been since about I'd say Spring 2012, and even that was a feeble attempt, but it was an attempt and I give myself life points for that. ;) But since then I've been sort of okay with living in my safe bubble. And I needed my safety bubble. I needed to stay low key, and just, get my feet back under me, and calm down, and not move every 9 months, and not worry about an escape hatch, and get my anxiety issues under control (sometimes a full time job), and just... be.
But I am excited for some of the opportunities that I've been unexpectedly given lately, and I am going to try to do my best to follow through with them, instead of just backing down. Fear has never played a big role in my life, and there's no reason to start that (or lets face it, continue it from the past few years) now. I started this surge of mental/physical/professional exploration about a year ago, with another wave of "lets go" in the summer, and I feel more ready than ever to "go and do", whatever that may be. And so, I've been reaching out, and trying to be a better friend, and more easily accessible to whatever it is that happens to present itself. And I think I have some thoughts about that...
And that about brings me back to the mental state that I was feeling when I wrote the still unpublished blog post revival. Its been a whirlwind of emotions over the past two months. And it hasn't even been two months yet... in some aspects it feels like NYE was last weekend and in others it feels like years ago.
I guess I sort of wanted to write this blog and see where it ended up, and I guess this post is precursor to the next one that will get published. I suppose I sort of wanted to give you a heads up as to why I didn't post when I said I would about 6 weeks ago... but, then again... if you didn't know I was going to post... then I guess... CONGRATULATIONS! Now you know! And you also just gained a glimpse through a window of what its been like here in my corner of the world. Its a two-fer! You learned that I lied to you, but that I promise to make it up to you!
So, here's a link to the funniest thing I saw on the internet today, as my gift to you:
https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=948569965162065&pnref=story
Now, go forth, and be awesome. <3
~flave
And I'm feelin'... good." -- Nina Simone
I wrote a blog post in full on Martha glory early/mid January, incredibly motivated and ready to take on the next steps in my life, and then, of course... life happened. Life said "Oh hey there, little Martha, I see what you're doin! You're trying to go on an get goin? BAM. HOW ABOUT THESE APPLES". Okay, kidding.
Sort of.
I'm not that self absorbed, but lets be honest with ourselves here there was a deluge of realllllly uncool things that happened in a short amount of time that caused the breaks to get slammed on a lot of things in a very fast manner. Its actually surprising more damage had not been done to all the cars involved. Just damage to the bumpers. As far as I can tell... (get it? a car metaphor? no?... okay. shut up, LANA) (if you don't get the Lana thing... you need to go learn somethin today. Archer, baby. Watch it). There was some heartbreak, some travel, sicknesses in the house (we're not talking the common cold here, we're talking full on ridiculous writhing in pain on the couch kind of pain sickness), a devastating life lost close to me and my framily. Of course, some wonderful things have also happened (although I'm not looking at you, Superbowl...), but my ridiculously rambling blog just seemed minuscule in contrast to what was going on around me. And life surely gave me a nice slap in the wrist... okay, a nice slap in the face, complete with cuts and bruises. And the rest of body hurt because the slap knocked me out and on the floor, and my everything hurt. For a long while.
And to think, all I really wanted was a slap on the ass! ;) GIGGITY.
I'm far from healed. But some time and distance and perspective from the things that are/were/will hurt me has put me in a better frame of mind. At least in a frame of mind thats more willing to open myself up in this manner; the manner in which I let my thoughts flow onto paper... errr... screen, and let you all put your hands... errr... eyes on them and take them into your life and use them as you will.
That sounds incredibly voyeuristic! Lets do it!
Its a scary thing opening yourself up to the world like that. Its a vulnerability thing. Its also a marketing thing, because there is the "delete/backspace button", or that thing those fancy writers call "editing" that allows you to write something, then decide to un-write it, and therefore its to be understood by both creator and reader, that if you put it out there, then its okay that you put it out there.
There's always the "delete post" option once you've already published it (even facebook got caught up with that recently), but chances are, someone saw it. There was some night owl who refreshed at just the right time, or a gentle stalker (in a non threatening way) who has you on their notification list who's device rang immediately upon updating. Someone saw what you wrote, and now... its out in the universe.
My last blog post, that still remains unpublished btw, touches on the idea of what my plans are (well were) for the next few months. Its probably a good thing that I didn't publish it because it was only a matter of days before Kathy passed away (if you're not sure who that is, its okay. She was my housemates/best friends mother. She had become quite a presence in my life in the recent years and it was very unexpected. Another topic for another day, I suppose). The blog post basically sort of had a "this is what I am going to do with my life right now, and i don't give a dayumm what you think about it, so go eff yourself if you don't like it.. .SUCKA" kind of attitude. Not in a rude or negative way, but more in a way to suggest that I was empowering myself to do what I wanted to do, to any degree I wanted to do it, on my terms, with out asking for permission any more.
The issue with that is, though... as soon as I was done editing, we got the call about Kathy, and all of my excitement and self propelling, and self promotion and momentum sort of fell to the wayside. The gravity of universe seemed to come down so abruptly, as if... the weight of this shock and sadness had actually managed to make the world stop. And, truth be told, I was already feeling pretty emotionally beat up because of a cold helping of heartache I had recently been delivered. So instead of going forth with my current hand, life handed me a different set of cards. So I spent the next few weeks taking care of myself, taking care of the kids, taking care of my housemates (the best I really knew how, which really just meant tagging along to places and taking care of the kids as needed). I do not handle death well. I admit this. I realize that she was not my own flesh and blood and I do not try to wear that badge of courage as if it were my own, but... I grieved. Maybe more than appropriate some would say, but... it hit me rather hard (again, I don't want to short-change the experience, but I do not want to go into all of that in this post. I'll save it for when I'm feeling a bit more sentimental, and a little less matter of fact).
So in observance of this loss, this house was pretty much open for business for a variety of things. We had people stopping by giving us food, and checking in. We were running around from here to Silver Spring almost every day for two weeks getting things settled (by "we" I mean various combination of adults and kids). And then our weekends were filled with trying to get our sanity back trying to stay busy with friends (looking at you Winter Luau. Yes those pictures showed up on facebook. No I am not even mad about it). And that brings us back to two weeks ago.
Things have normalized around the house, everyone is back at work (at least while the weather is allowing it.. thanks snow!:) ) and things are beginning to feel settled, at least in the scheduling sense. Which is good. Especially for the kiddos. Its hard to really explain what happened to the kids, and its even harder to keep their life normal when you're driving all over creation, and their people are in and our of the house at odd times. But that part is over now.
We spent the Valentines weekend with Julie and Rico (part of my framily, but Mikes ACTUAL family). We were meant to drive down to VA to see Helenes parents but due to some "events" (read: kids being kids), we postponed our trip a day, only to find out the Helenes father had the flu anyway. So we were pretty set on staying in, until my grumpiness about being a hermit "leaked" (read: I blatantly put up on facebook how I was looking for something to do), and Julie suggested that we come visit. (ohmy god who am I? Jimmy Fallon? Holy name dropping batman!)
So we did. And with us we brought a stomach bug! But before that happened, we did enjoy some delicious homemade filet mignon cooked to perfection, with amazing baked potatoes and all the fixins, chocolate covered strawberries, and adult beverages :) Valentines day weekend is not traditionally a great weekend for me, so I was more than happy to get out of dodge, separate from anywhere where previous Valentine ghosts have lived, and create a new happy memory. <3 My only regret was not getting in the hot tub!! Stupid "not a polar vortex but actually almost worse because wind". Oh, and also the stomach virus. That sucked. But I actually had a great time anyway. I really don't think that I could have asked for a better few days.
Valentines day is sort of a sore subject with me for a variety of reasons. In truth, the fact that its every single person in their 30's nightmare, really doesn't play into it as much as it might seem from the outside. For those that know my history, they are very much aware of my issues with this week in general. For those of you that aren't... well lets just say statistically, bad things happen to me in mid February. Car accidents, cars being totaled, break ups, move-ins, family messes, financial crisisissszszzz, family illness, family major surgeries, run of the mill boy issues,... last year was sort of the exception to the "FUCK THIS MONTH" rule... but, well... anyway... moving right along...
As I was preaching at the beginning of the year, I really want to make this year the "YEAR OF FUCK YES". And I mean that. I don't consider myself a victim in my life, but I will tell you that the last two months has... really dumped on me (and my friends for that matter). And most of it has been completely... out of the blue. And not at all caused by a house of cards situation. And those sort of things almost seem harder to come back from because there is no answer to "why is this happening?", like there is when your own glass house starts to crack. And thats hard. Its hard to bounce back from something where there are no answers to be found. Its just... life.
So, needless to say (or needless for me to expound about any further), there has been a lot of unrest around these parts. Not all of it has been terrible, my friends/our friends have really been amazing and supportive, and fun and willing to listen and have been down for a good time any time it was needed. And thats a nice affirmation. And in a lot of ways this has brought my housemates and I a little closer, because we've been spending more than 5 minutes a day communicating. I actually had someone ask me to do family photos of them in the spring, and someone else separate from that asked me to take sexy pictures of them too ;) And having Mike and Helene home more often has given me some time to go through my room and reorganize, and take some online photography courses, and take some stock about whats been going on with me lately, aside from just being down and out. Because there's been a lot of internal good, that I've been feeling. Its been nice.
Aside from a little nostalgia monster creeping in and making me really sad, and replacing my backbone with my wishbone for a day (okay it was like a week, shut up), I've been feeling good. And in truth, I've been feeling good for a few months now. I've got a good handle on where I am, and why I am where I am, and although its not where I want to be forever (forevah evah, forevah evah?), I have some resolve to change that. I've been feeling energized, and excited and ready for new experiences. And honestly, its been a while since I've wanted to step out of my professional/personal comfort zone. Its been since about I'd say Spring 2012, and even that was a feeble attempt, but it was an attempt and I give myself life points for that. ;) But since then I've been sort of okay with living in my safe bubble. And I needed my safety bubble. I needed to stay low key, and just, get my feet back under me, and calm down, and not move every 9 months, and not worry about an escape hatch, and get my anxiety issues under control (sometimes a full time job), and just... be.
But I am excited for some of the opportunities that I've been unexpectedly given lately, and I am going to try to do my best to follow through with them, instead of just backing down. Fear has never played a big role in my life, and there's no reason to start that (or lets face it, continue it from the past few years) now. I started this surge of mental/physical/professional exploration about a year ago, with another wave of "lets go" in the summer, and I feel more ready than ever to "go and do", whatever that may be. And so, I've been reaching out, and trying to be a better friend, and more easily accessible to whatever it is that happens to present itself. And I think I have some thoughts about that...
And that about brings me back to the mental state that I was feeling when I wrote the still unpublished blog post revival. Its been a whirlwind of emotions over the past two months. And it hasn't even been two months yet... in some aspects it feels like NYE was last weekend and in others it feels like years ago.
I guess I sort of wanted to write this blog and see where it ended up, and I guess this post is precursor to the next one that will get published. I suppose I sort of wanted to give you a heads up as to why I didn't post when I said I would about 6 weeks ago... but, then again... if you didn't know I was going to post... then I guess... CONGRATULATIONS! Now you know! And you also just gained a glimpse through a window of what its been like here in my corner of the world. Its a two-fer! You learned that I lied to you, but that I promise to make it up to you!
So, here's a link to the funniest thing I saw on the internet today, as my gift to you:
https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=948569965162065&pnref=story
Now, go forth, and be awesome. <3
~flave
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