We're going down down, in an earlier round
But sugar we're going down swingin!
I have a few minutes before I have to get reading, and go to class and be all awesome... so I thought I'd vent a little.
I'm incredibly disappointed in myself right now. And I hate that. Everything lined up so perfectly with school last week but... this week, not so much. Same old Martha got lazy and stupid and had to drop a course.
In itself its that not big of a deal, and I am trying to look at the positives that will come from it. Ya know, like getting some money back, more time to focus on getting a job and then working, more time to focus on the classes that I do have. It just... the momentum has slowed and I think thats partially because of what happened this past weekend.
I'm not the girl that falls a part over a guy, but I sure do feel like it right now. I mean, on the outside, you'd never know. But my insides are just... wrenched.
I've been living in my head a lot this week, thinking about the person I am, the person I've been, the person I want to be and the person I seem to be portraying. And on any given day, those things change dramatically. Yesterday someone told me, unsolicited that I'm the strongest person they know. I scoffed at them because I feel like I'm constantly falling apart. Conversely, someone called me a cunt last week pretty publicly, to which I also laughed because of the source and the hypocrisy that started the name calling in the first place.
So I guess, I lie somewhere in between a cunt, and the strongest person alive, on any given day.
Truthfully, I've been beating myself up a lot lately. With all the disaster I've been involved in during the last year... (even though I'm not 100% responsible, its hard not to see that I am/was a catalyst for a lot of it), and then tack on how I had a little glimmer of hope that maybe it'd all be worth it and that at long last, I'd get the opportunity to let what I'd been feeling all along take over, and let my heart truly be open... but then that promise got smacked out of my hand pretty violently. So, yeah, you could say that I've been evaluating my approach, and my intentions... versus what is actually being conveyed. Because I keep finding myself in these situations where things are so god damn close to working out, and then... either I get too excited about it, or push to hard, or get over zealous or... something like that... and I screw it up.
Why is that?
I don't have the answer. But I do know that this week I've just been not feeling it. Its probably why I've been hiding out at my parents house this week with limited commincation (they went to Australia... because they suck ... so I'm house/puppy sitting... its been a nice little staycation). I wouldn't say that I'm depressed, I'm not actively falling a part. But I am... doing a lot of thinking. And a lot of analyzing.
Here's what I've learned:
-- When I arrive at school, there are only about 10 chances for me to get a good parking spot at school because of what time my class is. Otherwise I have to park in east jesus. I have succeeded in this quest at a rate of 100%. Like a boss.
-- facebook is a dirty spiteful shedevil who has caused me nothing but pain lately, with some occasional amusement. Its a shitstain of a time waster, but like any abusive relationship, I keep going back. Although, if you've noticed, I have started to treat it a little better, so in turn, its been nicer to me. But I swear to god, if it scorns me again, and beats me up because dinner wasn't at 7, I will smack a ho. TAKE THAT SHEDEVIL SHITSTAIN SPITEFUL FACEBOOK.
-- I need a new lap top
-- I'm the kind of person that even in the bleakest of situations, will see some hope. Usually. This gets me into trouble when the odds are NOT in my favor but I get excited anyway.
----------- that being said. I still believe.
-- my intentions of peace offerings are many times interpreted as attacks, or invasions. The struggle with that is, I'm really not a mean person, so when this happens, I get beyond frustrated. I then have to put myself in their shoes and remember/discover why it is that this offends them, and then I can be more empathetic. The problem is, once I've already done it, no matter how innocent, its already done... and thats all they remember; that I invaded.
-that also applies to my intentions to show that I care. If a friend of mine asks me for space because they are going through some shit, I will give it to them. But if days that go by, with no word, I will check in and drop a line, because I care. And I'm concerned. Not because I'm being selfish, or because I'm trying to push. NO. But because I know they're going through something and I want to remind them that someone is on their side, and that someone wants to be there for them. And I am definitely not asking anything of them. Because when you're feeling low and lost, and just want to punish yourself by evading everyone...sometimes you need your friends to slap you around tell you that you're worth it, and that someone will ALWAYS be there. Even if its just a picture text about color coded office supplies, that only they would appreciate... its all in an effort to remind them they are loved. (I fucking love office supplies)
... however, I've learned that doing that sometimes gets interpreted for being disrespectful and thoughtless. I still disagree. It is incredibly sad and hurtful for people to think that they deserve to be alone. I can't be held accountable for how people react to other people, but I refuse to apologize for caring or for trying to show that I care.
-- my handwriting has severely deteriorated over the past years of not being in school
-- I have patterns. Most of which involve procrastination. And while its definitely gotten better, its still an issue. When I worked at the studio, it was virtually a non-issue and I think thats mostly because I was working within a team. So I was working on behalf of others, and I wouldn't want to let them down. But when its just me, and the successes or consequences effect only me, I'm much more likely to let shit fall in the cracks. Its annoying. I guess on some level that means I put others before myself, but its times like these (like today... and having to drop a class), that it really is just a hindrance. I'm not sure why I do this to myself. But the up side is that I'm not making excuses for it like I used to.
-- which brings me to my final point. Change.
I have a lot of questions about it. Like do people really change? I mean, I keep following the same patterns, and getting the same results... so, at what point will I FFIO and stop the nonsense? And if/when people do change, is it as a result of themselves pushing themselves, or outside sources pushing them to do so? or both? Lately I've found myself saying "is this who I am/you are, or is this just who I am/you are with THIS person/situation/job/environment?
I think, and this is just me, that different situations cause you to make different choices. Like, I don't think once a cheater, always a cheater. I think blanket statements like that are just crap. But I do think that you continue to date the same kind of person, and you do cheat on all of them.... that perhaps its time to try something new. Or another example is like me and school. I don't believe that I am always unmotivated, but I have been in the past because I had no reason to BE motivated. So now that I have reasons, the idea is that I will be more successful.
So is that change... a change in you? or a change in your environment? I'm just not sure. But does it matter? if things are moving in a positive manner, does it really matter why? Do the ends justify the means? Or are we constantly restrained to the same behavior over and over with just littler differences?
I mean, an alcoholic is still an alcoholic even if they don't drink anymore. They just stop going to clubs. Does that mean they've changed? Or just their approach? And again, does it matter? If its positive, does it really matter?
And if you recognize a problem, or a pattern and you want a different outcome, but you're in the thick of a big mess, how do you go about sifting through it? Just keep swimming?
Where do babies come from? Why is the sky blue? WHY ARE THINGS SO HARD ALL THE TIME?
WHINE WHINE WHINE!
I guess, today... or this week, I'm just sort of searching for answers. Searching for something to make everything better. Another thing I've learned is that when my heart hurts, I start analyzing things. Trying to find out how/why things unfolded how they did, and how it could have been avoided and such. It becomes a self flagellating thing, but it does sort of... help me figure out "me". I also start thinking about where to go from here, and whether or not its something worth fighting for, and how to go about doing that if thats what I decide.
I'm not depressed. Don't misread me. But I am hurting. I'm confused, because something/someone I believed in for a very very long time just... was ripped from me. And I don't want that. I wanted a chance to finally... have what I'd been longing for. I saw such promise in it. Whatever, I can't force anyone to do anything they don't want to do...
Also, I'm struggling with the fact that I once again didn't meet my own expectations of starting this semester off at full speed. And instead, am forced to have to drop a class as a result.
So its a side dish of "me being frustrated with myself", with a garnish of "trying to figure out how to do better here", combined with a main course of "heart ache". What an amazing meal! all for the low low price of... free!
The good news is, I still am in school (in fact I have class in 45 minutes), and I have plenty I can do to sort of snap me out of this funk. I have ID4 recording at home right now (i'm on a will smith kick), along with some other movies I plan on watching the shit out of later, I have coffee, a puppy to cuddle with when I get home, friends that just... totally are my bread and butter, I'm driving my parents car this week (fuck yeah luxury vehicle!! SUCK IT HATERS!), a plan for the rest of the year (but as always subject to change), a little bit of hope (for many many things) and... time. Lots of time. OH, and I've managed to start going to bed at night, and waking up in the morning, which is also different.
So its not all bad. I'm just feeling sort of melancholy this week. And I'm trying to fight it as hard as I can. And I'm sure I'm going to be feeling a little ouchie for a while, and given the circumstances, I think thats allowed. Its just a phase. Things can't stay this ridiculously impossible forever (for-ev-er... foor-evvv-eeeeer), right? Right.
So in an effort to combat the emo right now, I'm gonna go read about Ancient Egypt. FUCK YEAH PHARAOHS.
Can I be a Pharaoh when I grow up? Please? I promise I won't be a total dick-tator!
Thanks for letting me vent, now go forth and be awesome,
~flave
P.s don't hate on my grammar and spelling in here. I did not edit this the way I usually do. Bite me grammar nazi's. NO SOUP FOR YOU! (get it... soup nazi...? ahh nevermind)
I have a few minutes before I have to get reading, and go to class and be all awesome... so I thought I'd vent a little.
I'm incredibly disappointed in myself right now. And I hate that. Everything lined up so perfectly with school last week but... this week, not so much. Same old Martha got lazy and stupid and had to drop a course.
In itself its that not big of a deal, and I am trying to look at the positives that will come from it. Ya know, like getting some money back, more time to focus on getting a job and then working, more time to focus on the classes that I do have. It just... the momentum has slowed and I think thats partially because of what happened this past weekend.
I'm not the girl that falls a part over a guy, but I sure do feel like it right now. I mean, on the outside, you'd never know. But my insides are just... wrenched.
I've been living in my head a lot this week, thinking about the person I am, the person I've been, the person I want to be and the person I seem to be portraying. And on any given day, those things change dramatically. Yesterday someone told me, unsolicited that I'm the strongest person they know. I scoffed at them because I feel like I'm constantly falling apart. Conversely, someone called me a cunt last week pretty publicly, to which I also laughed because of the source and the hypocrisy that started the name calling in the first place.
So I guess, I lie somewhere in between a cunt, and the strongest person alive, on any given day.
Truthfully, I've been beating myself up a lot lately. With all the disaster I've been involved in during the last year... (even though I'm not 100% responsible, its hard not to see that I am/was a catalyst for a lot of it), and then tack on how I had a little glimmer of hope that maybe it'd all be worth it and that at long last, I'd get the opportunity to let what I'd been feeling all along take over, and let my heart truly be open... but then that promise got smacked out of my hand pretty violently. So, yeah, you could say that I've been evaluating my approach, and my intentions... versus what is actually being conveyed. Because I keep finding myself in these situations where things are so god damn close to working out, and then... either I get too excited about it, or push to hard, or get over zealous or... something like that... and I screw it up.
Why is that?
I don't have the answer. But I do know that this week I've just been not feeling it. Its probably why I've been hiding out at my parents house this week with limited commincation (they went to Australia... because they suck ... so I'm house/puppy sitting... its been a nice little staycation). I wouldn't say that I'm depressed, I'm not actively falling a part. But I am... doing a lot of thinking. And a lot of analyzing.
Here's what I've learned:
-- When I arrive at school, there are only about 10 chances for me to get a good parking spot at school because of what time my class is. Otherwise I have to park in east jesus. I have succeeded in this quest at a rate of 100%. Like a boss.
-- facebook is a dirty spiteful shedevil who has caused me nothing but pain lately, with some occasional amusement. Its a shitstain of a time waster, but like any abusive relationship, I keep going back. Although, if you've noticed, I have started to treat it a little better, so in turn, its been nicer to me. But I swear to god, if it scorns me again, and beats me up because dinner wasn't at 7, I will smack a ho. TAKE THAT SHEDEVIL SHITSTAIN SPITEFUL FACEBOOK.
-- I need a new lap top
-- I'm the kind of person that even in the bleakest of situations, will see some hope. Usually. This gets me into trouble when the odds are NOT in my favor but I get excited anyway.
----------- that being said. I still believe.
-- my intentions of peace offerings are many times interpreted as attacks, or invasions. The struggle with that is, I'm really not a mean person, so when this happens, I get beyond frustrated. I then have to put myself in their shoes and remember/discover why it is that this offends them, and then I can be more empathetic. The problem is, once I've already done it, no matter how innocent, its already done... and thats all they remember; that I invaded.
-that also applies to my intentions to show that I care. If a friend of mine asks me for space because they are going through some shit, I will give it to them. But if days that go by, with no word, I will check in and drop a line, because I care. And I'm concerned. Not because I'm being selfish, or because I'm trying to push. NO. But because I know they're going through something and I want to remind them that someone is on their side, and that someone wants to be there for them. And I am definitely not asking anything of them. Because when you're feeling low and lost, and just want to punish yourself by evading everyone...sometimes you need your friends to slap you around tell you that you're worth it, and that someone will ALWAYS be there. Even if its just a picture text about color coded office supplies, that only they would appreciate... its all in an effort to remind them they are loved. (I fucking love office supplies)
... however, I've learned that doing that sometimes gets interpreted for being disrespectful and thoughtless. I still disagree. It is incredibly sad and hurtful for people to think that they deserve to be alone. I can't be held accountable for how people react to other people, but I refuse to apologize for caring or for trying to show that I care.
-- my handwriting has severely deteriorated over the past years of not being in school
-- I have patterns. Most of which involve procrastination. And while its definitely gotten better, its still an issue. When I worked at the studio, it was virtually a non-issue and I think thats mostly because I was working within a team. So I was working on behalf of others, and I wouldn't want to let them down. But when its just me, and the successes or consequences effect only me, I'm much more likely to let shit fall in the cracks. Its annoying. I guess on some level that means I put others before myself, but its times like these (like today... and having to drop a class), that it really is just a hindrance. I'm not sure why I do this to myself. But the up side is that I'm not making excuses for it like I used to.
-- which brings me to my final point. Change.
I have a lot of questions about it. Like do people really change? I mean, I keep following the same patterns, and getting the same results... so, at what point will I FFIO and stop the nonsense? And if/when people do change, is it as a result of themselves pushing themselves, or outside sources pushing them to do so? or both? Lately I've found myself saying "is this who I am/you are, or is this just who I am/you are with THIS person/situation/job/environment?
I think, and this is just me, that different situations cause you to make different choices. Like, I don't think once a cheater, always a cheater. I think blanket statements like that are just crap. But I do think that you continue to date the same kind of person, and you do cheat on all of them.... that perhaps its time to try something new. Or another example is like me and school. I don't believe that I am always unmotivated, but I have been in the past because I had no reason to BE motivated. So now that I have reasons, the idea is that I will be more successful.
So is that change... a change in you? or a change in your environment? I'm just not sure. But does it matter? if things are moving in a positive manner, does it really matter why? Do the ends justify the means? Or are we constantly restrained to the same behavior over and over with just littler differences?
I mean, an alcoholic is still an alcoholic even if they don't drink anymore. They just stop going to clubs. Does that mean they've changed? Or just their approach? And again, does it matter? If its positive, does it really matter?
And if you recognize a problem, or a pattern and you want a different outcome, but you're in the thick of a big mess, how do you go about sifting through it? Just keep swimming?
Where do babies come from? Why is the sky blue? WHY ARE THINGS SO HARD ALL THE TIME?
WHINE WHINE WHINE!
I guess, today... or this week, I'm just sort of searching for answers. Searching for something to make everything better. Another thing I've learned is that when my heart hurts, I start analyzing things. Trying to find out how/why things unfolded how they did, and how it could have been avoided and such. It becomes a self flagellating thing, but it does sort of... help me figure out "me". I also start thinking about where to go from here, and whether or not its something worth fighting for, and how to go about doing that if thats what I decide.
I'm not depressed. Don't misread me. But I am hurting. I'm confused, because something/someone I believed in for a very very long time just... was ripped from me. And I don't want that. I wanted a chance to finally... have what I'd been longing for. I saw such promise in it. Whatever, I can't force anyone to do anything they don't want to do...
Also, I'm struggling with the fact that I once again didn't meet my own expectations of starting this semester off at full speed. And instead, am forced to have to drop a class as a result.
So its a side dish of "me being frustrated with myself", with a garnish of "trying to figure out how to do better here", combined with a main course of "heart ache". What an amazing meal! all for the low low price of... free!
The good news is, I still am in school (in fact I have class in 45 minutes), and I have plenty I can do to sort of snap me out of this funk. I have ID4 recording at home right now (i'm on a will smith kick), along with some other movies I plan on watching the shit out of later, I have coffee, a puppy to cuddle with when I get home, friends that just... totally are my bread and butter, I'm driving my parents car this week (fuck yeah luxury vehicle!! SUCK IT HATERS!), a plan for the rest of the year (but as always subject to change), a little bit of hope (for many many things) and... time. Lots of time. OH, and I've managed to start going to bed at night, and waking up in the morning, which is also different.
So its not all bad. I'm just feeling sort of melancholy this week. And I'm trying to fight it as hard as I can. And I'm sure I'm going to be feeling a little ouchie for a while, and given the circumstances, I think thats allowed. Its just a phase. Things can't stay this ridiculously impossible forever (for-ev-er... foor-evvv-eeeeer), right? Right.
So in an effort to combat the emo right now, I'm gonna go read about Ancient Egypt. FUCK YEAH PHARAOHS.
Can I be a Pharaoh when I grow up? Please? I promise I won't be a total dick-tator!
Thanks for letting me vent, now go forth and be awesome,
~flave
P.s don't hate on my grammar and spelling in here. I did not edit this the way I usually do. Bite me grammar nazi's. NO SOUP FOR YOU! (get it... soup nazi...? ahh nevermind)
People DO change, just not quickly, and often not conciously.
ReplyDelete