"Now in the deep and down your heart moves...

Now in the deep and down, I don't know how but I know I want OUT."

So I didn't blog last week... or the week before. And thats mostly because I was giving that whole "vlogging" thing a shot. There two inherent problems with that, 1) I... don't know how to edit. And at this point, I really have no want to learn how to do it (yet) and 2) I used my vlogs as a venting/sounding board, which... led to many (tipsy) Martha rants. There would be no problem with this, if I wasn't so specific and pointed when I started a tangent. And because of that, I cannot post my wonderful wild wandering venting vlog. I think, maybe I'll try it again when I'm not feeling so emotastic. Which, last week... I most certainly was.

I already touched on why, in the previous blog, so I am not going to rehash the obvious except for this: yes. it still hurts. It comes in really big waves sometimes. But I will admit, the waves are getting further apart. Which, is tougher thing to admit than you'd think. WANTING to let go of it is a big part of the problem here. Wanting to let go of all the happy feelings I associated with my previous "relationship" is just... its hard. I'm sure once I really commit to letting go, it will get easier. But in the meantime, each day is a separate battle, as it is with everything. And last week? I was not so good. This week? I'm okay. And thats due to a variety of factors.

One being that I'm a big girl, and wallowing is soooo 2011, and really with everything going on around me, it seems really silly to waste so much time wanting and missing someone who apparently doesn't feel the same way. And lets just put things in to fucking perspective here. Jessica Brown gave Phil Minnich HER GOD DAMN KIDNEY LAST WEEK.

How can I possibly be so self absorbed to not SOAK UP THAT HAPPY?!? I literally cried when I saw the picture of him with the thumbs up on facebook. I was so over the moon when I found out this was happening almost a year ago, and now that this dream became a reality, so far, its really all I hoped it would be. Phil is possibly one of the most deserving people I know, and Jess? well... there aren't words to describe the generous gift she gave him. She, essentially, gave him life.

So in honor of that I, with the help of Robin and David Gwynn set up a gmail and a youtube account where I asked people to create "well wishes" videos and post them online for both Phil and Jess. I also set up an email where I found EVERY SINGLE facebook comment and status I could find regarding them, and copied and pasted it in emails for them. It was such a fun project, it had me tied to the lap top for most of the that week... but I regret nothing. I'm just... Phil! You have a kidney! Its a new lease on life! And Jess! AGH! YOU HELPED MAKE IT HAPPEN! Rockstars. Truly.

I also went to drum corps this past weekend. It was an amazing psuedo vaycay. Except for those 3 hours where I ran the dr. beat. That... was... no. Just, thatwasno. But Friends and Family was a blast and it was so great to just be back there to my home away from home.

Back to happy news, Helenes contractions have become something we're more consciously timing. HEY SLOW DOWN, this does not mean we're heading to the hospital today. It just means that we're getting closer. And we couldn't be more excited!

Well, okay, I could be MORE excited if I could lock down a more normal sleep schedule. I've been crashing around 4am, and then waking up at like 8, and pseudo napping until 11. And this has caused my insides to go crazy-go-nuts. And it puts me in an unpleasant mood. Ella, the doggy has NOT helped. Last night she thought she was people, and wanted to cuddle with me, like... straight up spooning, which is not that uncommon but it rarely lasts ALL night... and last night it did. That bitch (get it, cuz she's a girl dog?)! I wouldn't mind so much except that she DOESN'T MOVE. So I have been trying some things to help the sleep process a bit.

1) more water. It seems silly, but it really makes such a huge difference in everything.
2) don't work where I sleep. I am SUCH culprit of this. I do a lot of my internet-ing and such from my bed, so I guess I'm starting to associate my bed with that instead of just sleeping (or other fun activities). So lately I'm trying to spend most of my work time upstairs. Or on the couches in my room, instead of my bed.
3) No coffee after 3. I know, that seems crazy, but coffee effects me about 100x more than Redbull does. Yup. Science.
4) I found a cardio work out that I wanna try to keep me more active. So Imma do that.

So thats, sort of a preface to what I really want to talk about. While my aching and tired heart is something all people want to hear about (so much more juicy than waxing philosophical), and while anticipating new baby is all kinds of exciting, and lets face it, who doesn't wanna know what goes on (or doesn't go on) in my bed... well while all thats incredibly eventful and thrilling, its sort of, not the point. I haven't entirely collected all of my thoughts regarding this subject yet, so bare with me, but after a choppy talk with Helene yesterday, I've discovered that I'm lacking inspiration.

Let me dive in. I'm tired of having the same conversations with the same people about the same stuff. I'm tired of people asking if Helene had her baby. No, she hasn't yet. I'm tired of people at drum corps going "hey did you know you're sun burned?" No, I didn't. Thanks for the enlightening and life altering statement. I'm tired of the typical "hey how are you?", when really, you don't want to really know... you just want gossip or its what your'e supposed to say. I'm tired of people bitching about the same shit at work. I'm tired of bitching about the same things in my life. I'm tired of having the same tired argument and conversation with members of my previous life. I'm tired of the same tired conversation with my parents for 12 years. I'm tired of looking at conspiracy theories or alarmists on facebook, just as I am tired of those who condemn those who have interest in the news at all. I'm tired of the routine of watching the same movies over and over, and I'm tired of facebook bitching about the weather (or lack there of, in any season). I'm tired of political facebook ARGUMENTS (not discussions). I'm tired of vaguebooking that ain't so vague (I admit I'm a culprit). I'm tired of NOT talking about the things that are really going inside my head for "fear" of boring/scaring/annoying someone else (I mean christ, half the time I'm tired of thinking the things I think, why would I put that on someone else?). I'm tired of not sleeping well. I'm tired of seeing people on weekends and knowing exactly what they're gonna say. I'm tired of yelling at Ella for barking IMMEDIATELY when she goes outside, even though I KNOW thats exactly what she's gonna do. And I'm tired of getting frustrated at Amelia for dumping the cat food ALL over the floor and eating it (because, lets face it, she's already done it 4 times today, why not make it a nice round 5?). I'm tired, and bored, and tired and sick... of just... the same old same old.

Its not that any of the above things are wrong to talk about, or wrong to feel. Its not that any of these things are things that I've outgrown. I'm not in a rut. Or even depressed. I am not angry, or upset, or raging, or even necessarily bored with my life. I'm not. And this is NOT a criticism of the people in my life either. In fact, I think this is a statement of fact with most people in their late twenties, transitioning into... "real adulthood" and things beginning to calm down. Things becoming habit. The little things start to loose meaning and get lost in the sauce a little bit.

On a bit of a detour in getting to my point: In truth a lot of me has been looking forward to... calming down (I hate the world settling, it implies a certain kind of mediocrity...). Because so much of my life has been on the go, moving from one experience to the next... sometimes gracefully, and sometimes? well not so much. But I've been looking forward to a certain element of stability, whether that be emotional, physical, financial... what have you. I REALLY HAVE. And I've found a great deal of it being back in Westminster. I have a group of friends here that is truly unparalleled in their empathy and compassion, that I really don't deserve (not self deprecating... just putting them on bit of a friend pedestal, they're amazing). They themselves are not boring, or grey, or fading. No one in my life really is. Well, no one in my life is "fading" except for those that I'm letting fade out of my life (which happens...).

But I think, as a whole... we (meaning so many of us in the world) are sort of... in a routine. And I'm not speaking necessarily day to day, because around here that changes a LOT, but I mean in terms of... how we relate to each other. Like, at drum corps... its generally a giant love fest there, but there was a time where I felt if I heard "thats what she said" one more time, I was going to burn down all of the trees surrounding Lucent. And same with now, if I get asked one more question about whether or not Baby Ian was born yet, from someone (family or friends), that will DEFINITELY KNOW when it happens... I might end the internets. Like come on people, you REALLY think we'll just... not say anything?

When things become comfortable, sometimes people become lazy and pedestrian in how they relate, and the things they talk about. Conversations become shorter and inattentive, rooms become messier, relationships fall to the way side, car tires become bald,... and its not one giant thing that causes any of these things to happen (although sometimes it is). And sometimes it IS necessary for some things to fall apart, so that you can find some thing better... (like better tires! cuz accidents are a shit fest!). But in this case, in my case... none of the things that are currently a BIG and IMPORTANT part of my life, are negative. So its not toxic... its just... comfortable. And routine.

And, I am not the kind of girl who would do well at a 9-5 desk job. I mean it sounds great in theory, and maybe I'm wrong and I'd be great... but, I just don't see myself being the kind of gal who can do the same shit every. single. day. I'm just not. Its why working at the studio was such a breath of fresh air for me initially. I can't go to the water cooler on break at ask "Ron the copy guy" about his 2 and 4 year old only to have him show me essentially the same (but different) macaroni picture his 4 year old made than yesterday; which he now has haning in his half walled office. I just... I can't. I like the IDEA of being able to do that, and the STABILITY of that idea. But in practice? It just looks... grey to me.

Keep in mind, this is a PERSONAL observation of myself and is in no way a negative reflection of anyone who can do that. I envy those types. My life and my brain would be so much easier to navigate than it is now. Mike and Helene? real adults. With real jobs. And they are amazingly good at them. They have a wonderful caring marriage, a house, soon to be two kids, a fenced in yard, some cats, and a dog, bills to pay, and a schedule to follow everyday (when not on bed rest). They love their life and god damnit, they're happy like the happiest of happy people should be. They have what people aspire to be.. They are truly the american dream (high school sweethearts too!). I look and them some times and think... "god damnit, why not me? Why is it that I, am the kind of person who... is the kind of person i am?". And then I laugh at myself because its like comparing apples and oranges... we're different people, with different journey's. And thats really not the point. The point here is that there is no judgement here from me towards the "straight and narrows". None.

I just, apparently am not cut out for that. Not in the truest sense anyway. I've sort of managed to tailor my life to be almost nomadic. Which has been ok for me so far, but thats one thing I'd like to change as I become more of a "grown up". But most of my coveted relationships, even with dips in communication have remained pretty steadfast. Its great.

Back to the point: The problem for me is that, I'm just... sort of... sick and tired of how people have been relating to eachother. In so many aspects, a lot of care has been lost in conversations and in emotions and in connection. And I suppose that happens sometimes. I feel like its normal. I mean, how often do you ask someone "hey how are you?" but are really only looking for the post card response? We all are guilty.

So, since this is my blog, and I'm in NO way telling other people how to be or how not to be, I try to focus on myself. And I try to figure out the "why" behind human interaction. When I started doing this blog I think I called myself a human philosophizer (words are funny). So... brass tacks... where should one (meaning I), gather inspiration, or zest or sparkle, when things in terms of relationships have become mundane, and tasteless, and mute? Because this doesn't mean those interactions have become bad (although jesus christ, there are a few I could mention, where if I have the same conversation where I explain myself and what I think, and how I feel to the same damn people one more time... its going end VERY ugly).

The WHY it happens is easy. Routine. Longevity. Apathy. Normalcy. Comfortability. So, since I'm the one aching for something more, it must be, on some level... me wanting something more from myself. Perhaps that means something very obtuse and grand, but perhaps is really as simple and just.... adjusting the way that I speak. And how that I speak. And finding inspiration in the people I love so dearly, that I may have been taken for granted. Perhaps instead of overlooking, its noticing the little things.

I don't know. It sounds so simple. And so trite. But if you really think about it, when was the last time you really looked at someone and fell into every word they said, without anticipating a response, or being distracted? I bet its been a while.

I think also, every once in a while people need a little change, a reset, a rekindling of the fire to revive themselves (my fault is that I tend to uproot completely my life rather than make little adjustments along the way). But I think finding inspiration in a long drive, in cooking something new, in taking a walk you don't usually take, in playing with a child, in loving someone for who they are truly, in listening to new music... can have just as strong of an impact as renting a moving truck and going across state lines.

I'm sure some of you all are reading this and think "Jeez Martha, I'm so sick and tired of reading all this 'stop and smell the roses' bullshit on the internet, and now you're making me read this here? CHRIST. BE ORIGINAL."

To that I say 1) suck it 2) no one is forcing you to read this and 3) you probably need a good dose of revitalization too (especially if you think that I of all people are preaching to you. Its ME. Poppa don't preach).

I just, have been feeling... so... uninspired in conversation and relation lately. I mean some of it really is because I got in a sick cycle of checking the wrong FB pages, or getting involved in situations that would only lead to more of the same. But some of it, I think, is just... so many of us are on a carousel of the obvious. I dunno, maybe I just do need to get out and do more things. Minesh, Molloy, Buduhduh and I had a saying a few years back that simply was: "go and do". Just... go and do.  Maybe thats a solution.

But inspiration... And just even wanting to break out of the carousel and try a new question or new restaurants or new social scene or new paint color... can be quite daunting. But I think I've managed to get past the not wanting to into the wanting to.

And now that I've said that, I think a lot of this has to do with me really beginning to break away from my previous life, for real this time. And I'm finding that I really am not the same person I was going in. And, as I am sure its good, its also very scary. I am still a little bruised, and still in a little mourning over the loss of something(s) that have ended... but I was so set in one way of looking at it, and wanting it, even when it was over, that feeling anything other than that was too terrifying to comprehend.  So I held on to pieces, just wishing. But lately? not as much. Not as much at all. I think finally for the first time am starting to let go some of those pieces.

WAIT. WHAT...

This blog took a weird revelation-al turn, didn't it?

A la Keanu: whoa.
This all seems negative in reading it back... but I don't FEEL negative. I feel good, really. I think, that I'm just... looking for something inspiring. Something rejuvenating. Something to breathe life into the staleness that has not only become exhausting, but counter productive. I know I'm speaking in generalisms. And many of the things I'm thinking about in my head are things that I should definitely just let.... fall away. But some of it isn't. And while I'm starting slowly to rebuild my life from the ashes (again), I'm truly looking forward to finding the glimmers all around me and the subtle joys within the things we so often take for granted.

Essentially, I'm opening myself up for new experiences, better than the ones I've been having lately. I've been sort of, in a very strong routine that I'm finally ready to break out of. And thats something to celebrate!

That being said, I'm going to Wildwood, NJ tomorrow for "vacation" and drum corps. That means beach, hotel, Kelly's, drum corps, good friends... so, who knows what  Martha is gonna make her appearance this weekend! I hope its the super flirty fun one, I like her. ;) I'm also so so so so so excited ALSO because of HOLY HAIL batman! I'm not taking the sun for granted for a really long time. Me no likey wakey up to floody in my roomy.

Sorry for the rambling. I had some thoughts, wrote 'em down. Maybe you've felt this way, maybe you haven't. But if you have, I hope you've found some light in my spaghetti of a brain! :)

Go forth and be awesome,
~flave